Graduate

I think I will take my papers out after I have got results from the final exam of ecology. This doesn’t mean that I am graduating, I still have my master studies to do. But I think I might have better chance to get job/internship if I have my bachelor papers.

Lately, I have been a bit scared of graduating. After that I should get myself a job, know a lot of stuff, act like an adult etc. Like yesterday I was watching a news and they said that the unemployment has increased under the people of 25. And I don’t have experience on my job field at all! How I am supposed to get a job? And first of all, will I even ever graduate?

But then again, mostly I have optimistic feelings about this. Like right now :) Sure some things are uncertain, well most of things are. But I know I will be alright. Everything will be alright. And my master thesis is on it’s way, I will get soon the results to put on SPSS and then I can start analyze and write.

I don’t yet know what I will do next summer. But I am sure that I will figure it out by then. I think I might postpone my graduating until next fall so I can be able to get myself a traineeship. Or if I find out great job opportunity, I graduate before the summer. Either way, things usually go as they are meant to be even it’s not clear to me.

Today I emptied the pit falls first time. Well not all of them. There’s still 6 forests I have to visit. And after that I have to separate the ground beetles and spiders from everything else. Then there’s all the plant inventions. I feel a bit hopeless already. So much to do. And the identification of the beetles will be so difficult as well too cos my mentor moved out from Jyväskylä.

Well I just made plan B (or A cos I actually hope it would be possible) for my future. Smart move or not, I don’t know. I just know that for rest of this month, my life is so messed up :D

And I really have to talk with Antti about this…

So I am totally fucking my life right now. I have this master thesis position already, but they are not going to pay me any money what so ever. And today I heard a change of plans according to it; the city supposed to do thinning in the near forests this spring, but they are doing it instead this fall. So that would be way too late for me. I have option to do the research in previously done forest, but the hypothesis I had in my mind are now changing. And I am not that keen anymore.

I also planed to take this job at cemetery for June and I supposed to let them know tomorrow that I am coming. But now I suddenly decided to apply another training position at Tampere for this summer. I can’t wait until I can hear about it (will I get it or not) cos I really need to let the cemetery know am I coming or not by Friday. So I have to say no to that job even I wouldn’t get that job from Tampere. And my professor will probably get mad at me, cos if I get the job I won’t be able to do the thesis in Jyväskylä.

So my life is quite messed up right now. I am not sure do I really really want to change everything I had planed this summer, but I already did that. I just have to hope now that everything will work out as the best. What ever that means…

EDIT and I forgot to mention they PAY for that training position. 1050 € per month for 4 months.

I just came from school where I had chat with one teacher. And now I have Master thesis position! And the best thing is that I got the topic I wanted to and I didn’t have to start fight about other topic that my friend was interested.

This thesis will be quite challenging cos I have to research ground beetles that I don’t know nothing much at all! I really don’t have to research them, but I want to. I’m excited! Now I just should find funds to live in the summer cos they are not paying me about this thesis (I can thought apply a scholarship, but it’s uncertain will I get any).

Argh! This work is driving me nuts! I know that right now I should be concentrating in it fully, but I just can’t. This feels like a jigsaw puzzle; I have all these pieces and they don’t seem to fit together. And I don’t have any clue how the completed picture would look like. So no it seems that I try to gather pieces and I have no idea are they even from the same puzzle :/

I ordered material to library just awhile ago. I don’t know will they provide me information that I need, but I hope that they get me at least a bit closer the conclusion. I have enough time to do this; this has to be ready at Feb 1st, but I don’t want to leave it until the last day. I just feel so stressed now :/

Graduating actually scares me a lot. What if I don’t know anything? What if I don’t get in the job I want to? What if I graduate with poor grades and nobody wants to give me a job?

I am sure that this is the subject that I want to study. This is so me. But it’s not easy. Sometimes I feel so stupid ‘cos I don’t understand what the teacher tells. And I don’t even get very good grades :(

So what if I am stupid after all?

There’s still many years before I graduate but still it scares me :/

I want to graduate so I can start changing the world. I still have at least 4 years left. So it is long way to go. Until that I will enjoy my student life :)