refuge of my most and best truth, though often the most painful kind.
hazeltov has written 21 entries about this goal
I can hear alright, there’s little amiss with my perception, but I’m starting to realize that there is something off in my response. What I’m starting to hear is a lot of fear – my own – and resistance. To put it simply, I am afraid of what I have to accomplish in this life. I’m not afraid of doing it, I’m afraid of all the changes that are going to come with it. It’s like a default reaction, this fear of change. Why are we wired like this? I know I’m not alone. It must have something to do with the evolutionary gap between perception and mobility. Maybe once we became bipeds and gained the power to displace outselves in various enviornments, the anxiety alert is signaled after millions of years of knowledge about how damn hard it is to adapt to any enviornment – the primal part of the brain that remains unwaware of various developments in gathering food and building shelter…given that this was once the sum total of our human existence, and all that “change” demanded of our capacities to simply survive, I guess it makes sense, the anxiety, fear, resistance. The idea of uprooting myself (again) exhausts on a level I can’t quite get hold of. I won’t let it hold me back, but it is an energy sucker, for sure.
I know I’ll never get rid of my fear, entirely, it’s the human condition (apparently)—but I’m tired of it taking up so much space in my brain, and the exertion of energy required to overcome it. I mean, it’s really exhausting, at times, and weirdly reinforcing. So I need a strategy. I want to transform all that fear into positive energy. Instead of being terrified, I would prefer to be excited, and clear headed. I’m going to try to listen to the voice of reason in my head – really work at this, consciously. I intend to gain significant ground on this – my goal is zen-like calm. I’m sick of wasting valuable brain power and life energy indulging this mental hand-wringing, this stupendous fear. If I aim to be master of myself (and I do) I need to take charge, assume leadership inside my own head. If I have any freedom at all, and power of choice (and I do) I will do this. I will LISTEN TO THE TRUTH – and the truth is not this irrational, imaginary, amorphous catastrophe, that I see out the corner of eye. And no more mental duct taping the doors and windows – I want to see through the “danger” – not respond to it I will hear that alarm, but I will not LISTEN to it.
That is the plan.
Today I listened to the insecurity roaring in my head, and instead of writing it all down and thinking it through and weighing the pros and cons, I just said a prayer. There was a time when I would have considered this a major cop out and an insult to my reason. The fact is, however, that I cannot trust some of those voices running through my head to lead me anywhere good, and my reason has it’s limits. Am I going to be limited to what I know or think? I don’t think so. I need to reach beyond what I know, what I think, and who I am, on a regular basis because I am limited human being. In other words, because I’m human. Call it whatever you like – wisdom, truth, goodness, God, “the universe” – I need to be connected to it, at all times, because I have a lot of questions and a lot of confusion and a lot of growing and learning to do. And I have no intention of lying to myself about any of this. And so I reach, and I listen…
I’m not afraid of listening anymore. When I first made this a goal, I had no idea how fearful I was of letting other people in my head by way of listening to them. I think I was just unconsciously expecting to be criticized or something. I had to get over that, which took awhile, but I’m over it.
I watched an old Bette Davis movie while visiting my folks. I was totally into it. It was the dialogue – it was amazing – so smart, mature, psychologically astute – how did I not notice how brilliant “All About Eve” was, the first time I watched it? When it was boring me silly? Because – I wasn’t listening, and I wasn’t connecting with the what I was watching. Because of this, I missed the whole experience. Now I’m totally into old movies – one more thing to like, which makes me happy. If anyone has any suggestions about “classics” I should take a look at – please let me know if you have a favorite you’d like to share.
oh, I’m listening alright. I hear the distance, and the suspicion. I hear the fear, loud and clear. I have to listen more deeply than this, to the real sound, underneath the noise of all this clattering projection…
I’m getting better at listening, and I’m learning a lot as a consequence. Some relationships have improved as a consequence (my mother) , and others have fallen down entirely (my sister).
I listened to what my sister said, and I’ve reflected on it. What I heard was a lot of defensive, self-justifying crap, alot of accusation and judgement.
I’ve tried to be sympathetic with her point of view – but really, what for if it’s just a lot of distorted nonesense?
I need to listen to my rational mind as well. My sister is hurt, and totally self-involved. I get it. I’m self-involved as well. I don’t have any right to “judge” her – I get that to. I have no right to make any demands of her, and I will heed this for the future. No demands, no expectations. None.
Nevertheless – I need to accept the reality of what I see, the reality of what I hear.
We might as well be from different planets. Sometimes I think we are.
and oh, how often it does.
And which means, in addition to listening, I need to grow a backbone and get over myself.
Not always easy, always worth it. Must continue to do so
I think I am slowly, slowly learning to listen to what other people are saying. It isn’t always easy, and can sometimes be quite hurtful, but how else am I going to learn and grow unless I’m open to the truth of others, and unless I’m willing to listen to their side of the story – and there are so many, many sides to every story.
It was hard to listen to what my sister had to say, and I can’t say I agreed with it. It has taken me about 5 days to get to the point where I can say that: I’m glad I called and that I think I can appreciate (if not “agree”) with what she had to say. And honestly, I’ve learnt something really significant here, and so I’m going to proceed with learning how to listen.