stand up for myself

Standing up for myself is, I am realizing, about doing exactly that. And I need to keep this more top of mind than I have been doing, because I do have a habit of rolling over and playing dead, just to avoid the bother of conflict and confrontation – which I don’t fear, but which strikes me as pretty pointless, for most part. However…standing up for myself has nothing to do with fighting, or asserting myself, or being aggressive. It’s just a matter of standing up, for myself, at all times, no matter what – and if I do happen to get knocked over, thrown off balance, or end up on my ass in any other fashion, I will remember to stand up. Because it is my right and my responsibility to do so.

Why does it feel so unnatural?

Boy, if only it was as easy as “standing up” – however, dealing with difficult people often requires sitting on your hands when you most feel standing up and smacking the fool who is causing you greif. Anyone else have the experience of having to tone down their assertiveness to placate the insecurity nit wits in positions of power and authority?

I thought this meant asserting myself, so far as other people are concerned. I’m beginning to realize it means asserting myself so far as I am concerned. I need to change my attitude at a fundamental level. I need to stand up for my own self, because no one is going to be doing and standing for me, or they should not do any standing for me, because I am entirely capable of doing this for myself.

Oh God – I find this such a royal pain in the ass…I really don’t enjoy “asserting” myself. I can’t say I even fear it so much as – I’d just as soon avoid it. Feels like such a waste of energy, but it is required, it is reality.

Life is negotiated through various networks of power and this is a fact. If you don’t stand up for yourself – you don’t participate in power – you are subject to it, end of story.

Standing up for myself means standing up to my laziness and resistance and sloth, generally. Because when it gets down to it, I’d really rather just…read a book.

I’m begining to realize the magnitude of my fearfulness, and that I’ve made it a way of life, replete with a history and many good, sound reasons justifying my fearfulness and lack of courage.

It’s all bullsh*t.

I’m also coming to a more mature perspective on life, which is not all that pleasant, but I want to live in reality, so I had better figure out how to navigate it.

I am really timid, and I’m sick of it – or I’ve turned it into a habit, which I’ve indulged. I have avoided all sorts of things and it’s time to get really honest with myself.

So today, I need to stand up for myself, for what I really want – which means standing up to my cowardly, negative alter-ego.

I’m actually doing this, which surprises me somewhat, because I haven’t intended to – it’s just sort of been the outcome.

I seem to have a lot of family drama and turmoil other people don’t have – is this because they have better things to think about? Probably.

Well, this has been a long, hard struggle for me, and it’s just starting, really.

I am really bad at this, and supremely disinclined to bother with it. But I guess I am standing up for myself, in my own way. I don’t fear conflict, I just find it a tremendous waste of time and energy, for the most part. People change their minds so fast – or at least I do – it rarely seems worth the bother to debate a point I’ll probably change my mind about tomorrow…But I do need to stand up, because I am lazy and passive, and this is because – well, I guess this is my personality in some ways, and in others – I really am a “pacifist”. I don’t believe in fighting. I don’t think it works. And it generally seems alot easier to just step aside rather than “stand up” – but I need to do this never the less, or I’ll never get anywhere near I want to be in life.