journal my dreams

I’m still not clear on what my dream means, but I will say that I’m not exactly in a good way, of late, and my unconscious is more or less occupying the domain of my everyday. It’s like the content of my dream life has migrated into the field of my waking life, and I am presented with a unique opportunity, of actually working through this.

I am someone who depends on my sleeping quite alot. My dreams are often very instructive, signally issues that are coming down the pike. This old freind of my mine has been appearing quite a lot in my dreams of late – and I have just as bad a vibe about her good intentions as I did when I ended the friendship. However, change really can be quite difficult – lonely, isolating, antagonistic – a really vulnerable state.

I digress. But I’m looking forward to getting some insight from my dreams.

Odd dream – I’m touring these luxurious homes with terraces of hot tubs and some latter promise of return – meanwhile, I see an x-friend of mine riding by on a bike with her stupid little dog in the basket. In my dream – all I can think is – you phoney, trendy, nitwit – which was essentially my reason for ending the friendship.

Latter, I am crossing the lawn of a large estate to join the people I’m supposed to be meeting with—

No idea what this means, but I suspect it indicates that my self esteem is improving. In the past, the spaces I would occupy in my dreams were utterly destitute.

I am sickened to realize that my dream was an absolute portent of what was to follow. I am wondering if anyone else is noticing the same thing. I wrote the dream about being introduced to the woman-hating serial killer awhile back – the iconography of which is so lame, that I hesitated to put it down.

When I read it over, months latter – it was a clear warning of everything that followed, and I really think interpreting this dream, or at least documenting it, really helped to prepare for the worst that was to follow.

The man I’m working with on my thesis – who pursued me, to work with him – is really out to bust my chops. The only reason I over-road my feelings about him, and my intuition about his personality – is because I wanted some security in my working life, and he was offering it, in a way – funding, publishing opportunties, etc.

AS SOON as I signed on the dotted line, so to speak – he turned into an absolute evil bastard. I think he wants to sabotage my work, but of course I only sound like a paranoid freak saying that. I’m not. The reality is that narcisistic freaks abound, and if they feel threatened by your talent or your strength, and seek power and control over you – it is all very apparent. And let’s not be naive people – humans are aggressive. It’s part of our nature – some people are just lower on the evolutionary chain than others.

It’s so weird how dreams anticipate events. For me, this dream came the day before I got news of that girl who’d been abducted for 18 years, news that has stuck with me for days. Like a lot people, it’s opened up this profound sense of how vulnerable girls, children, and so many women are, and how this vulnerability is amplified and reinforced by a culture that places diminished value upon their voices, experiences, and knowledge.

It reminds that, even when I feel really self indulgent making these kinds of entries, the connections with a broader context exist, whethter I can see those connections or not, at the time.

In the meeting I mention at the bottom of the last entry, I mention my advisor, and my anxiety about working with him. And in fact, during my meeting, he mentioned Freud once again, and my need to address the notion of “desire” as it appears in the work I’m looking at. I said, off the cuff (though I’ve thought long and hard about it prior) that I think there’s something seriously wrong with Freud, beyond being a completely outdated theoretical model, and that is, specifically the notion of “infantile sexuality” that’s nothing more than an apology for pedophilia. His jaw dropped and he looked disgusted – he looked at me like I was a complete ignoramus – and I immediately doubted myself – my perception, my understanding of the material. And meanwhile, the other “advisor” who was present, said nothing.

After reflecting it, and reading the news that followed my meeting, of course I am totally right!!! Freud is just part of a broader continum that culminates in all sorts of actions, perceptions – one of which is violence against girls and women. I’m hardly suggesting that he’s promoting this, or creating this reality – although he is – but that he’s a part of it, his ideas come out of this context. And what I need to remember is that my advisor comes out of this context as well. We live in a “lady killer” culture, whether we want to admit it or not.

Another odd event that followed this dream, was the message I got the very next day from a guy I hadn’t spoken to in months, a real manipulator. Had I not had this dream, and allowed myself to reflect upon its contents, I don’t think I would have had the same degree of objectivity that I had when reflecting on that situation, because I’ve been pretty isolated with my work lately, and vulnerable this kind of attention, from this kind of guy.

And I hope I don’t need to say – that I am not painting all men with the same brush.

Lately, my dreams seem to be about me acting like a fool, in some capacity. Of course, I’m not aware of being a fool in my dream, but when I wake up, it seems pretty clear.

Very odd scenario last night. I’m at someone’s house, and I’m being introduced to a man and warned he’s a “serial killer” (???) – in other words, a woman-hater, a dangerous man. In this respect, he can be interpretated symbolically as a misogynist, and as a danger.

At some point this man suggests he show me some “real estate” (???) as I am apparently (in my dream) looking for property. I think this can be interpreted as my looking for territory, or my trying to set boundaries in my waking life, my desire to be “grounded” -

In any event, this character seeks to exploit this need/desire of mine, by appearing to meet it, or answer it in some way, to “give me what I want” – or claim to. This is of course, the classic ruse of the manipulator – the “offer to help” that is utterly self-serving. In my dream I can see this clearly, and I am not “fooled”. Instead, I play to the crowd, and begin challenging him, asking him questions I know he can’t answer, such as “where is this property?” and “why can’t you tell me?” etc. As if by asking questions I will expose if not his ruse or my knowledge of it – then to display my (wholly impotent and without purpose or design) “courage to confront”, to those present.

I get anxious looks from those who “know” who and what he “really” is, as if to be reminded that this is indeed a dangerous person, and not to antagonize him, or push my luck.

When the “killer” (lady killer?) stands up, he’s about 7 feet tall, but he stoops when he speaks to others, in order to make himself smaller and less threatening. I feel no threat, because I’m around other people. But my courage and confidence is completely false. I’m only safe, because I have “inside” knowledge that someone else shared with me. I don’t have that power on account of anything I know, or have done or discerned.

It strikes me, upon waking, that my entire attitude was off – almost arrogant, and utterly without purpose. I wanted to “stand up” to the danger I was faced with, and I did, while it/he was sitting down. One it (he) stood up – I realized that I haven’t the strength or stature to really stand up – for myself, or to him – and the best I could have done, was stay out harms way, and take care of myself. In other words, knowledge, insight, information and discernment are not enough. I need to coordinate prudent action with my knowledge, and not feel over-confident on account of it. I need to take the threat seriously, and be strategic. I need to act purposefully, and prudently. The point isn’t to provoke further engagement with a hazard, but to avoid it; to step aside.

As I prepare myself for my meeting tomorrow with what may well be my nemesis, I need to keep these lessons in mind. I have less power and far, far less stature than he does. He has made overtures to “help” me – but what’s his motive? He isn’t a nice person, or a generous person, and his work suggests he pretty misogynistic. All the women in that dept. pick up on it, and they have warned me. And so he’s at least potentially dangerous to me; he’s also a total narcissist. Historically, I’ve been intimidated by him – not overtly, but I sense how punitive he can be, and so I’ve played “nice”. Well, I’ve out grown that role, but I think my dream is warning me to not hazard a confrontation, not because I might be “harmed” but because I need to think about what I have to gain.

And in a more general way, I need to seriously consider how I can be most purposeful in my words and actions. In my dream, there is no purpose to what I say or do. It’s entirely impulsive, and ego driven. I’m showing off – again. I’m seeking immediate gratification as opposed to real advantage. I need to be more strategic, and more intelligent. I need to look at the situation objectively, and plan accordingly to my real situation in the present scheme of things.

I think that my dream has taught me that I just need to work around this guy; the purpose is to do good work, and forge positive working relationships, and that simply is not possible with someone like this. I can’t meet him as an equal or pretend that we’re “equal” because we aren’t. He has power that I don’t (yet) have in the world. That’s just how it goes. He has stature. I don’t. I have no idea why he wanted so badly to work with me, because he rallied hard for it. Since that time, he has been completely fucking useless to me; has given me no useful input, and all sorts of useless “advice” that only slows me down and frustrates me, having to answer to it. But thank God I don’t meet with him alone. The department chair has decided she wants to co-advise my project. I think she sold it to him as an effort to help him out, but I think she’s onto him. So many people advised me to switch projects – but I’ve put too much time into my research to really want to do this.

I see what he is, and I don’t trust him. I need to leave it at that, and make certain I don’t set myself up to be a victim.

In my dream I’m being a gigantic show-off, dancing with my sister – spinning her around, swing-dance style – but the whole time, I’m giving her orders, and I am completely conscious of the affect we are making on the intended audience of our “fun” – leisure as labor..everything is for “effect” and involves a great deal of effort and intelligence in order to appear effortless.

I’m using her as a prop, essentially, and I’m putting us both on display. What I desire is not her company, or “fun” – but the attention of a particular guy that is in the dream. I’m trying to get his attention, and all of this is a means of creating an impression. I don’t want anything else but his admiring attention. It’s completely narcissistic, pointless, mercenary. It’s like I hunger for attention, in my sleep, the way some people eat cakes when their dieting in real life.

I have not behaved like this in a long, long time. But I had to admit today, that I miss the positive attention I used to be so very good at soliciting. Since I stopped playing that game, I just don’t know who the hell I am anymore.

The truth is, the shallow, dance-mix version of my personality was a lot more attractive and fun than the present, unplugged, acoustic version of myself. But I guess that’s a matter of taste and preference and utility. Others miss my charm, I’m sure. But it also served their interests, didn’t it? I was so nice and compliant. And in exchange – I got a pat on the head, essentially. And I aspire to more than this for myself and for my life. And you can only “act” phoney for so long, without being phoney, period.

I’ve been learning alot from my dreams lately, where I’ve been occupying subject positions utterly contrary to my “real life” self.

For instance:

In one, I’m surrounded by all these beautiful girls, who are all my “best friends” and they all happen to be blonde. We are packed in like sardines in a room with white walls and smooth wood floors, steeped at bit of an angle, facing onto a another wall made completely of glass. My neighbor is also in my dream, watching me and my popularity and social savvy at an admiring distance.

My older sister (who happens to be blonde, beautiful, “popular” in “real” life) hands me a strange little dog that has two heads and some sort of problem with it’s backbone – it’s hollowed out, like a shell. In the dream, of course this is all very normal and doesn’t bother me in the least.

All of us blond and beautiful girls are friendly and nice to each other, and it doesn’t even occur to me, in my dream, to say “no” – I will not take care of this little dog. I accept the dog without thought, and even though I have no idea why, or what to do with i.

However, it has sharp, needlely teeth, and its biting my hand, so I determine that I need to wrap it upt, in paper (?) and so turn to the young woman who is standing at the front of what looks to be a restaurant that has suddenly materialized in the way of dreams, and ask her is there is any paper. She comes back with paper, and begins to help me wrap up the dog.

She’s nice, but I know very well she isn’t one of our little group. It is a friendly arrogance I feel, a patronizing friendliness with this woman. We are all so “nice”, so happy, so self satisfied! And as for myself, in the dream, re: holding the little dog – so without reason or thought or intention, which is to say, intelligence.

Of course, when I wake up I’m somewhat confounded by the whole thing, but I am thinking about how strange it is that your mind can manufacture an experience during sleep that you’ve never had in real life, which feels completely normal. I’ve never been one of these women. I’ve never had these sorts of friends. I’ve always been somewhat contemptuous of them for being what they seem to be: fake, shallow, and stupid.

But in my dream, I enjoy the comradely, and no one seems particularly stupid. Everyone is so nice and pretty and happy, because it seems, they have no reason not to be so.

So I have this virtual experience of untroubled belonging, in my dream, the virtual experience of being popular and pretty and part of a group where everyone pretty much looks and acts like everyone else. There is a level of group understanding – which I guess is what belonging is all about.

It was only upon waking and reflecting for a few minutes that I had a clear sense of how different my life really is – its like that dream was a self portrait of me, drawn in negative. It gave me a very clear sense of what I am really like, what my life is really like – in comparison – but also, how I am prone to think and act in exactly the same way in my waking life and that is, a certain lack of intention, a willingness to hold on to things, or take care of things, or just “take” things – for no apparent reason. In fact, for no discernable “reason” – or processes of reasoning, at all. I don’t make choices – I react. I take things, because people hand them to me, like the little dog, and if they hurt me, I try to figure out what to do about it, with no thought as to why I “took” or accepted what was handed to me in the first place.

In other words, my dream revealed that I need to start thinking about what I’m taking and what I’m doing. I need to get out of the group mind, and its dumb self satisfactions, and actually USE that space that I actually have contrived around me, in real life, to the think about what I’m doing.

In my waking life, I’ve always been a bit of a loner. I’m an artist. I’ve never been comfortable in groups. I’ve never had a pack of girlfriends, so its odd that my dream experience as so vivid and convincing. It helped me to understand and experience a subject position which I have never actually occupied in “real” life, and I got a clear sense of it’s pros and cons – but more to the point, I gained a very vivid sense upon waking that was oddly objective – about my own self, and my own life, and how truly “alone” and distant from other people I really am.

I think my dream was less about my own desire to “belong” – though it was obviously about that – than my need to make choices. I liked being one one of the beautiful people in my dream. It felt good. But holding the dog revealed the hazards of being close to people and belonging in this way, because they will hand you crap you don’t need or want or know what to do with it, and you will “take it” because are part of the group, and that only critical distance from other people affords a person the opportunity to be suitably discriminating about what someone puts in their hands -

Which really gives me insight into why I choose to live the way I do, and how I need to make better use of the space I’ve created around me, rather than complaining about it, and feeling bad about it, as I sometimes do.

As good as it felt to belong, that is not my own life project for all sorts of reasons, not the least of which is on account of the fact that I am not blonde and beautiful and popular. That is not my life situation, as desirable though it may be – and it shocks me to admit to this, but I feel I have a greater understanding of myself consequent to thinking this dream though…I don’t belong in this way, I never will, and I need to learn to think for myself. I learnt his early, and I realized I needed space to do so. I’ve created the space, now I need to do the thinking. Really do the thinking.

And what is that little dog about? The one with the two heads? It doesn’t fit with anything else, it’s biting my hand, and I have no idea what to do with it, in my dream. It isn’t really my problem, or my responsiblity – but it was handed to me, by my sister, and so I’ve made it my responsiblity without even thinking…

And this is what I learned about myself, from this dream: I need to consider the consequences of what I agree to. People will hand me all manner of crap – and unless I am aware of myself, and not stuck in some “group think” mentality – I will not know what I’m doing or why I’m doing it. I will not understand the reasons for it, because they were never really my reasons to begin with.

Oddly, I feel less antagonistic to the “group” mentality, after my dream – and more aware of my own absence of awareness on certain fronts.

Instead of being reactive, in making my choices, which generally consist (so far as my family is concerned) in saying “no!” – like a bloody 3 year old, I need to accept and acknowledge who I am, let that space grow around me, and fully inhabit it, and when someone hands me something to “take care” of – for them – I will be conscious enough to choose – to say yes or no for my OWN reasons, and I will know what these reasons are (hopefully).

So…claiming my power is about claiming that space, and claiming my power to choose.