identify 10 things that make me who I am

I consistently get myself into situations that are life-changing and stressful. Lately it’s been my driving school bus. I have hit four cars now. I went into places where no bus should go, and have clipped tail-lights when it really shouldn’t of happened. My powers of observation are failing. So now I have to pay a fine of $300.00 and if I have ONE MORE INCIDENT I will have to take a ‘defensive driving course’. I really am not a bad driver – it’s the bus! I am humiliated and ashamed and flabbergasted. My lesson learned is: stop and think, stop and think, stop and think. Ask for help, ask for help ask for help.

People have colours around them and I can sense who they are by the colours I see. My aura is moss green fading to copper with hints of turquoise. My daughter’s is copper with sparks of turquoise. Lovely.

I am afraid of confrontation, hurting other people’s feelings, I am afraid of getting angry. I just don’t feel like it’s worth the energy for me to try to prove what I think or my point of view when no one really wants to listen. I find myself more and more keeping quiet and listening and not saying anything. Sometimes it’s just a waste of words and thoughts.

I really don’t like to be noticed. I am comfortable around a few people, especially if I know them. I wear the cape from Harry Potter, the one he can wrap around himself and he becomes invisible. I become silent and no one can see me. I used to wish I was extroverted and got all the attention and laughter, but I realize I couldn’t be like that, my energy gets zapped too easily. I enjoy observing people. If I were an animal I think I would be a quail of a grouse. They hide unseen in the grass and when everything is safe they pop out.

I bend to people’s opinions and try to please most of them. Inside I just think it’s better not to rock the boat, I’ll do it my way later anyway. I don’t ask for advice ever, if it’s given I nod my head like that’s a good idea and later do it my way. I don’t like to cut people down or enforce my will on anyone. Live and let live. I try to treat people like I would like to be treated. I can take a lot of critism, ridicule and eye-rolling, but I have limits. Rather than fight or argue or try to state my case, I’ll just leave.
I have a sister that has to get right in my face and let’s me have it, but I don’t want to retaliate in the same way. I don’t want to be as mad and hurtful as her to win. I think that if I refuse to fight where’s the battle? If I were an animal I think I would be a deer. They don’t necessarily run from danger but stop and wait quietly until it’s safe again. A deer only runs if danger runs at them. I sit quietly and wait for chaos to pass, or I retreat to a safe place. I just don’t see the need to make everyone yield to my will.

I just feel more comfortable with myself. I never seem to be able to have a conversation with anyone. I try to talk but people are just unaware of me and keep talking. I make the correct noises like ‘oh’ ‘neat’ ‘too bad’ but I wonder what the fuck I’m doing. My mother talks right through my sentences so I just shut up. My sisters (I don’t know why I’m mentioning this) just totally ignore what I’ve said, it’s like I’ve opened my mouth and no sound had come out. I feel hurt and rejected. I know I am not important to them. I just stay away.

I am aware of how other people are feeling and that effects my moods. I really need time alone just to recooperate, but that doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely. When the surrounding gets too noisy, smelly, or crowded I feel exhausted. I often feel like an outsider, especially in my family, I am easily hurt, stressed out , frazzled, but on the otherhand I hear, see and feel more and have a strong sense of empathy. I have a vivid imagination and find beauty everywhere. When I am in crowds I like to have a ‘wall’ around me so I can feel safe. I am happiest when I am with my daughter, my mother or my little 11 year old niece. I love my animals, my dogs AXL and Lil. Just being around my horse Tucker revives me.I am reading “A New Earth” and that helps me deal with my pain. I keep telling myself it’s not about me. I’ve always felt like I’m ‘weird’ but at the same time I don’t want to be like those others. I see this now as a gift, a chance to be an artist. I know that my family sees me as weak and needy, but they are wrong, I am strong.