be more self-confident

It’s little things that get to me, and I find myself questioning. If a stranger is rude in the checkout line, or somebody posts a vicious comment on a blog or message board, it makes me wonder and stays in the back of my mind. I wonder if I did something wrong. If I deserved it.

Yeah, I know that I should keep in mind that the way people treat you is often a reflection on their worldview and experiences, and has little to do with you as a person. So why does this sort of thing bring up self-doubt? Why don’t I just let it go?

I think it has somewhat to do with my childhood and growing up with very little room for error on my part and serious consequences. It set me on a quest for perfectionism, and also for procrastination. The procrastination comes from the fear that I will not be able to get it good enough when I actually do it, so I put it off until a better time presents itself.

But, this hasn’t been working. The past three years have been spent on a lifestyle and direction I’m not interested in or proud of. That’s what’s causing the self-doubt.

There’s a time in life when the institutional settings of school and college are done with, and you’ve got to make your own path. That’s where I am now and I’m having a hard time with this, second-guessing my options, my capabilities, my strengths, my weaknesses. So when a random person on the internet said something rude about a post I made, even if he misspelled half of his comment and had a half-baked response, it bothered me. Why? Because in my mind, what I did should be so good that no one would be interested in tearing it apart. Because somebody trashed it, it means it wasn’t good enough.

Yes, this is a silly barometer, I know, and I guess I’m just realizing it. This might help explain why I am having trouble being self-confident, even after being successful in college and married to a wonderful guy. If I procrastinate on obtaining unrealistic goals and ideals, it’s bound to be disappointing. So, I guess this means I’ve got to learn to better accept imperfection to achieve this goal.

It seems almost counter-intuitive to think that in order to boost my self-esteem, I need to admit my mistakes, make efforts that I know will be less-than-perfect, and then be satisfied with less than 100%. To try new things and know that I might totally screw it up and instead of failing, learn something valuable. To realize that it’s a learning process and even if somebody wants to trash my efforts afterwards, I made an honest effort, which is the first step to any success.

I got a new haircut last weekend and I love it. It’s shorter than I’ve had it in years, with light sideswept bangs and layers that everybody seems to like right now. I’ve been wearing cute earrings that show off my hair, and even with my typical jeans and t-shirt self, have been feeling prettier and less self-conscious about things such as my weight. I’ve also lost 4 lbs, which while not much, has shown me that I’m moving in the right direction with healthier eating and more exercise. I’m trying to lose the weight I put on after hurricane Katrina (a/b 15 lbs.). I’d really never replaced my wardrobe after we flooded out, at first not wanting to shop, and later not liking how I looked. Now I’ve been looking through magazines, trying to figure out what current styles I like and would look good on me. I even tried on some summer sun dresses the other day…

You know, I don’t think people become more self-confident just by wanting it. I mean, knowing what you want is a start (there’s little that’s less self-confident than being lost, I think) but the only way to become more confident is to change. If you’re not confident, it’s because you think that there’s something to be not confident about. For some people it’s looks, for others the fear they’re not smart enough, or have bad luck, etc. I bounce between these things, depending on my mood.

I think I’ve figured why I’ve felt more confident lately. It’s because instead of avoiding things I was afraid of, I’ve taken a deep breath, quit worrying, and given it a shot. When I haven’t done well I’ve tried to stay positive about it and feel strong that I did something I felt was against the odds, and when I have done well, I’ve really felt my confidence in my own abilities grow.

This is my new year’s resolution: Reclaim faith in my own abilities.

My husband said he “liked the old Heather, the one who isn’t so worried about messing up” the other day. It made me think. I mean, I know that the hurricane, the depression I dealt with afterwards, and dealing with a prolonged job search have caused me to doubt myself and probably limit myself, but it has also caused me to be a less fun person. I can’t have that. I like being a fun person, a person who is good at things, and a person who can try new things, goof up, and be able to try again, still having faith in my abilities.