heaveemetal in Denver is doing 40 things including…

deal with my issues

211 cheers

 

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heaveemetal has written 13 entries about this goal

As I explore...

and adapt to current events,
there are certain core events that repeat.
Acknowledgement of those facts
and
memories
Can provide clues as to how to
negate those negative
thoughts
or
things…



Breaking the Habit...

The difficulty of changing something
that seems a Monster
when the cues happen to awaken it
Is a search within me.
To understand the triggers
and divert those into other avenues.
Vocalize calmly
Think rationally
Divert and deflect.
All of my brothers have a rage issue
as well as my son.
Learned?
Or Genetic?

Self improvement makes mandatory the understanding
and control of short fuse syndrome.
For that inner monster damages hopes, dreams and those close to me…



It was...

inevitable.
People in my life had told me.
Especially women.
My anger when aroused had a life of it’s own.
A whole personality
Similar to the Mr. Hyde
to my normal mild mannered and understanding Dr Jekyll.

Strange but true.

“When you hear similar things from multiple persons,
most notably women who you care deeply for,
action seems required.

And so
after much research
talking to people who have tried it
and discussing the subject with my Doctor,
I now am among the users
of the antidepressant
Citalopram.
To the tune of 20 MG a day.
I must say,
my rough edges are a lot smoother.
6 weeks and counting.
This goal will never be complete.
But it may become less of an emergency
on my list
if my progress continues…

Video Metallica, Rock Am Ring Bleeding Me



This song speaks to me. The lyrics just fit and define a lot of my inner demon type of issues...

It’s no wonder I hang around this genre of music.
It has helped me to understand what the fuck goes on in my head at times.
And perhaps put myself together inside soon…

We seem so lost and jaded
Well what a price to pay
It can’t be overstated,
and you seem infatuated
with finding who’s to blame.
While it can seem so hard now,
I got a feeling we ain’t meant to live this way.
Don’t tell me it’s too late,
cause I feel it too, we all love to hate
and let others lead the way.
Some searching to find
That life with a new piece of mind.
And still we march further away,
Singing our songs of yesterday.
While so much still stands in our way,
Voices with nothing to say.
Some feel that life’s a favor,
While some don’t have the time.
Worship and kiss the altar,
All hail the mighty father,
but love will keep you blind.
Same questions we keep asking,
Won’t hear the answers
cause we’re scared of what we’ll find
We try and compensate through our troubled faith that should keep us safe
and keep searching for a sign.
Some searching to find
That life with a new piece of mind.
And still we march further away,
Singing our songs of yesterday.
While so much still stands in our way,
Voices with nothing to say.
There won’t be another day, no changing of the seasons,
And no one’s gonna save us from the lies.
The greatest story ever told,
Is only what you make it.
There will be struggle and fear,
All by design
And still we march further away (So lost and jaded)
Singing our songs of yesterday (Nothing’s got all the point, the blame)
While so much still stands in our way (Yeahhh! )
Voices with nothing to say



My issues...

while being much better understood
and most certainly are a lesser problem
unfortunately
rear their ugly head from time to time…

I have a firmer control over the release of
the destructive forces.

And unfortunately
when my anger is released, it is directed at others
and not at myself
as many do.

perhaps it would be less harmful
to direct these laser
beams at myself…



My issues lie in the past...or have deep roots there...

From my childhood, my experiences, my little detours to try and avoid them…

Ain’t it fun when you’re always on the run
Ain’t it fun when your friends despise what you become
Ain’t it fun when you get so high
Well… that you, you just can’t come
Ain’t it fun when you know that you gonna die young
It’s such fun
Good fun
Such fun
Such fun
Aah such fun
Such fun
Such fun aah
Yeah fun,
Just fun
Such…
Ain’t it fun when you taking care of number one
Ain’t it fun when you feel like you just gotta get a gun
Ain’t it fun when you just can’t seem to find your tongue
Cause you stuck it too deep into something that really stung
It’s such fun, ah
Well, so good to me, they spit right in my face
I didn’t even feel it
It was such a disgrace
I punched my fist right through the glass
I didn’t even feel it
It happened so fast
Such fun
Such fun
Such fun
Ah such fun
Such fun
Such fun
Ah such fun
Ain’t it fun when you tell her she’s just a cunt
Ain’t it fun when you she splits you and leaves you on the bum
Well, ain’t it fun when you’ve broken up every band that you’ve ever begun
Ain’t it fun when you know that you’re gonna die young
It’s such fun
Such fun [x 13]



My ISSUES...

cause hurt beyond belief to those they are directed at…

irrationality fueled by anger…

And ultimately the realization that a great wrong was committed…again

Maybe the last 10 hours were not so good…unless I learn something from them...



The last 2 days have been...

out of control…

I’m serious

I haven’t been able to think straight at times…

Sat down and talked with 2 of my friends…they calmed me down by mentioning all the negatives as compared to the few positives…

Thank God for friends…I was making stupid mistakes at work…things I NEVER do…



Should I be able...

to download the text messages from my cell phone…I am going to post the response to some proof of what a monster I can be when I get mad…

I am like someone possessed…and it sucks…



I believe...

I have conquered my jealousy and possessiveness issues…however, my anger that I try so hard to keep walled off is another matter…

Something that defies any attempt to water down once the right formula brings it to a boil…:(



heaveemetal has gotten 211 cheers on this goal.

 

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