Stay present

I’ve changed this goal now from “overcome anxiety” to “be at peace” and now to “stay present”. I think this last goal will help me do the above two and other things as well.

I was in a place and situation last night that could have easily triggered an out of control anxiety attack. But I didn’t get one. It almost felt like a choice. I had a few moments to myself at the beginning of the evening. I took in the atmosphere and looked around at several potential triggers for attacks. And some kind of calm just switched on. I felt content and actually looked forward to the evening ahead. I started the night with my mind on the goal of peace, calm, relaxation, and contentment. I did a little breathing exercise and then enjoyed the night. A good step forward I think.

I changed this goal from “overcome anxiety” to “be at peace”, so I can shift the focus to what I WANT instead of what I don’t want. I think it will be a never-ending cycle if I keep focusing on the word/idea of anxiety instead of trying to create what I actually want for myself. Pretty elementary, but monumental in its possibility for change. Just in shifting the focus.

I also learned from my counselor that I wasn’t really doing the breathing exercise correctly. I was persisting with it for too long, kind of staying in the moment of the anxiety. Instead, it’s really just an acknowledgment of the feeling, a reminder that I am indeed safe and don’t need that feeling to protect me, and now with the shift in focus to what I do want (joy, peace, calm, contentment) I think it makes more sense.

She talked about how the tension comes when one of my beliefs about the world is being threatened. When a “should” is threatened. So, my belief I guess is that things SHOULD be secure, safe, predictable and in control. She said some work could be done to investigate why/when I began to believe that. Because really things in the world just are what they are (she said we were kind of getting into some philosophical stuff here). There are no “SHOULDS”. When I am anxious, for example, because I think a guy is being too aggressive and erratic, he is just being the way he IS. It just IS. I may not like it. I may feel anxiety around it. There may be some consequences for his actions that he has to deal with, but should he be another way? I really only have control over me.

The world will continue to have erratic, uncontrollable, unpredictable things happening in it. The only thing I can control is my response. She talked about testing these responses I have to see if they are true. The question to ask is “Can I absolutely know this is true for sure?” My “this” is lack of safety in those moments of being overwhelmed with anxiety. Am I absolutely not safe? I can focus on the present moment which is that I am completely safe. More arrows point to safe than not. “What ifs” do not belong.

For now, she suggested I do whatever I need to do physically/mentally to work toward the goal (being at peace, feeling joy and contentment). If I need to walk away from a situation for a few minutes, if I need to move something from my line of vision or ask someone to stop doing something, that’s all right for now. It will feel messy and strange at first. It may feel like it’s not working, but it takes time.

So, a few deep breaths acknowledging the feeling of anxiety and reassuring myself I am indeed safe. Then, I will refocus my attention on what I want, what will lead to my ultimate goal of calm, joy, peace, contentment.

Okay, World, bring it on…again!

I shared my discussion with the counselor with a friend who was inspired to see a counselor for her anxiety issues as a result. That’s pretty cool.

Yesterday, I had a chance to use the breathing tool, and I can’t say it really worked. I also know that it may take some time, and I wonder if it might get worse before it gets better, anyway.

My counselor discussed anxiety being a fear of the future, and that because I am so “in my head” during an anxiety attack that I am no longer living in the present. I am sort of escaping the moment, and my goal is to live more in and accept the present. There lies the major dilemma with this technique. I end up feeling anxiety about my anxiety. Will the technique help? Will it just make my anxiety worse? Will I have this anxiety forever? So, it’s hard to be in the moment, especially when the moment feels so bad.

So, first try…and I’ll just keep going.

So, I met with my counselor for the first time today. I felt pretty comfortable right away. I like that she just talked to me—it felt like a purposeful and real conversation. I gave her several examples of when and how I experience anxiety. She asked me how I respond to those situations, and I said I usually just wait it out or try to “talk myself down”. She pointed out that this rational tool of “talking myself down” has worked well for me in the past, and I will probably continue to use it, but our work together would be about adding new tools to the belt.

Particularly learning to work with anxiety, an emotion with physical responses, with more emotional/physical tools. Since it isn’t a rational response when I panic because someone is fiddling with an empty water bottle, or kids are batting balloons back and forth, trying to rationalize my way out of the response will only take me so far.

My counselor said that the goal would be to get to a place where I trust myself to experience any emotion or situation that comes my way, and have complete confidence in my ability to “survive” or even thrive. She says anxiety in whatever shape or form we experience it is really just our fear of the future. What will happen if/when? How will I survive/be safe?

She gave me this great metaphor that this anxiety is like a student who needs some attention right now! He/she keeps saying my name over and over, but I’m busy with something else important. So, my response has been to try to ignore or shush up the insistent voice of this anxiety (she also called it emotional energy). Instead, she suggests recognizing it and validating it.

So, as silly as this sounds, my tool is a simple breathing exercise where I say something like “I acknowledge that I’m feeling anxiety” as I breathe deeply in, and as I breathe out say something like “and I am just touching it with my mindfulness”. She said it was from some little Buddhist guy and giggled a little because it sounds kind of silly or new age. But she said she’s tried it with her anxiety and it worked. She also said that I would learn whatever “mantra” (my word) works best for me. Maybe thanking the anxiety for trying to keep me safe on the breath in and telling it I’m already safe on the way out. Or maybe even the fact that you’re saying “mindfulness” to yourself just distracts you enough in the moment that you are able to separate yourself from all the anxious thoughts.

That’s kind of the goal really. To actually be present and experience the emotion, acknowledge it, and do something with it. I’ve been stuffing for my entire life. So, in a way, I’m kind of interested in getting another anxiety attack. That sounds very strange to hear myself think that, but I feel empowered. I want to try this tool.

I also feel supported in that my counselor said that this is a very manageable issue and something I could overcome in a matter of months! I’ve been dealing with this my whole life! And she’s telling me that by the time I go back to school that maybe I’ll have this under control? I started crying!

Project Me off to a good start!

Since I’m a teacher and have summers off, I have decided to name this summer: Project Me! One of the first things on the list is to see a counselor about my anxiety problems.

I have suffered from anxiety since I was a little kid. I was always pretty shy and uncertain in big groups. Not that I didn’t have friends or talk to people, but it was a little tough at first. One of the major problems I have that started as a child is I think a sort of phobia. I get what I think are anxiety attacks (feelings of dread/impending doom, quickened breathing & heartbeat, distracted) triggered by balloons, beach balls, empty water bottles, or really anything unstable or out of control.

When I was little, it was balloons and shopping carts. Now, it’s just anything out of control. Not all the time, mind you, or I wouldn’t be able to do anything. I think it’s worse during times of stress, but it comes up when I’m seemingly relaxed. They’ve gotten more frequent in the last couple of months. Now, they’re starting to happen at work, too, and I’m nervous this might impede my ability to do my job!

So, Monday I meet with a counselor to address this issue as well as what I think is a little bit of depression. I’m anxious (of course) but looking forward to some help! I used to be extremely embarrassed about this issue, but I have found I am definitely not alone. I even have a close friend who has also admitted to having a sort of balloon-phobia as well. Hey, I’m not the only “weird” one out there!