understand myself

ok, it is saturday the 29th september 2007. I am going to write down my life goals.

my three main ones;
1) to earn enough to live comfortably and not have to worry about money
2) to find a man I love, be happily married and never divorce
3) To own a house in the countryside, with a country kitchen and fields around it.

by the time I am twenty I want to have:
1) visited 10 different countries (so far america, france, italy, switzerland, holland, romania)
2) figure out what career I want, one that I wont resent going to in the morning
3) figure out my whole take on life, sort out my philosophy and beliefs

by the time I am thirty I want to have:
1) hopefully get married
2) have my own house (owned, mortgage, even rent, just my own property)
3) gone to Australia
4) paid my parents back in some way for all the things they’ve done for me
5) learnt how to pogo stick

throughout my life:
1)to read all the books on the reading list I was given as a 16 year old (it’s alphabetised, about 200 books I think)
2) never stop learning
3) have a huge library in my house
4) encourage my children to read and to think for themselves
5) campaign for animal rights.
6) stick up for myself and stand up for my rights
7) appreciate everything

I will add more later. time for breakfast!

I have come to understand that I hate ‘the middle’. I don’t know how to explain this but I am going to try, at least to try and figure it out myself.

I think in extremes…it’s either one or the other with me, all or nothing, I can’t stand the middle ground, mediocrity, in-between. To me the middle is an excuse, it is lazy, with anything, the middle is pointless, to an extent compromise is pointless. agnosticism annoys me. and yet I can never make my mind up.

However I have always been stuck in the middle, always feeling at a loss. My family weren’t poor but we were not comfortable, we were some strange ground in the middle…I didn’t fit in with the groups that hung around my neighbourhoods as a kid, with the people whos parents had little, but yet i didnt seem to fit in with the people who had big houses and disposable incomes and could afford to do things. My parents weren’t particularly academic, which is no problem at all, but i tend to think and read and digest everything around me, but I am not, nor am I anywhere near, being some sort of intelligent genius. My weight is middle, I am not slim nor am I large. I am independant to the extreme yet I yearn to be love and to love. I am a social butterfly, I have many close friends from different circles, and again i seem to be in the middle, not wanting to get to close to anything incase I miss out at the other end. politically I am either ultra conservative or unforgivingly liberal. religiously/spiritually I flit between extremes. I polarise. It some times feels like there are two parts of me, I am ruthless but I am compassionate, I want to work with special needs adults around the world but I want to be a lawyer and make a lot of money…I want to keep that money and buy a big house in the country side…but I want to give the money away.

This indecision about anything makes me annoyed, I over analyse…I don’t see the point if being in the middle, it really is one or the other….what is the point of flitting around on the middle ground, refusing to make decisions and never taking a stand, sitting on the fence…to me it seems like a cop out. Yet i seem to occupy this space permanently…because I see things from both sides, I analyse both arguments and still cannot make up my mind, a lack of wil power perhaps. If I could just make my mind up. one way or the other, my life path, my thought processes would be so much clearer, I wouldnt divulge so much and confuse myself, less inner conflict I guess.

Oh god I am spouting such self pretentious bollocks…I am trying to explain myself as best as I can but I really cant….