control my anger

It wasn’t that I could control my anger, it was more that I needed to listen to my gut feeling, tap into my intuition, value myself, have faith, and take the next step. I took long enough, but I am in a better place, and for me, anger was merely the by product of other bigger issues not being addressed. Note to self.

my anger was all fueled by my consciousness being stifled and me staying in a place that did not serve me. now, not a trace of anger can be found. funny. I hope I will be smarter in the future. happiness is so much more fun!

than anger. although they seem like cousins. this is one of my challenges to work with what seems to me a sense of overstimulation that i feel at times at work or at home. it’s like I have these internal rhythms, and if I don’t get time to withdraw and regroup, I get eaily annoyed. then I try to contain it, but most everyone can read my moods quite easily. so it’s almost silly for me to try to override my crankiness….... I guess what I am trying to do now is identify these times and try to seek out solitude to let it pass. when I’m not stressed or overwhelmed, my resiliency comes back.

I have been house sitting for two different friends for about three weeks now. I still go home to get mail, check on the cat, get clothes etc. But having space, time to myself, time away from the bf. It has been good. At first I was really resistant to change my routine. But overall, I have felt more grounded and calm having more time to myself. I’ve also been exercising more, and doing things to take care of myself. I still have moments of irritation at work, but it has all been much more manageable. I think this will crop up again, but it has been a relief to get some space and feel alright.

I’m struggling right now with a familiar cycle with my bf. He has a bad day, his neck hurts, and he likes to tune out in the evenings. I know this, and try to keep it in mind, but after months without conversation, hugs, now we don’t even kiss anymore…..I have to say, it’s hard to not feel hurt, and thus angry with him. I feel, in my case, that this relationship is showing me a raw side of myself and my guy. I am seeing, up close, how we humans can be ever so tricky. Unfortunately, I am also seeing the large range of negative emotions that can flow through me. It is hard not to judge myself, as I still hang onto an unconscious belief that a good person should either not have bad emotions or at least be able to control them. Sigh…... this whole life thing is very humbling. I have much to learn and work through. I think of the quote from Rilke, who instructs “to live the questions”. It’s a great quote, I should look up the whole thing again. I used to have it on a post card, think today would be a great day to get that postcard and keep it on my desk at work!

does anyone have a recommendation for a book on how to deal with strong personalities.????

I have just moved into a managerial role, by default mostly, not by ambition…. and I am doing a good job, except for my own internal frustration I feel as I am triggered by the inundation of other people’s issues. I am also learning, and seeing that it does take someone to sort of hold a larger space and “be a mother” to the employee’s. I have three personalities that feel to me to be very needy, they are constanlty seeking me out throughout the day for various reasons. And I thought I was just being irritable, but I definitely have at least three employees who are self sufficient, professional, and appropriate…....

well, I havve a lot to learn, regarding dealing with these other types, and I really want to control my frustration and be able to see the bigger picture.

whew…..I am really working for my moneyt these days. My department was entirely dismantled, and now we are running on a skeleton crew of staff, with new agency people everyday who need to be oriented to everything…..It is just a disaster, and yet, life goes on. I’m’ starting to see, that I have to just breath and really just look only at what is going on in the moment. I have had mixed successes and less anger today. It did help that one particular coworker was not there today. I have also started to move my office, so I will not be sharing an office with said coworker. Some times I just have to try and keep distance between myself and triggers. I have been reassured by many staff that I am doing a good job with the tools I have, so that felt reassuring. Also, my supervisor told me to give it 2 months before systems are in place to get the program running more smoothly, and that put things in perspective. I’ve been feeling pressure to help smooth things over, but in the end, it is just going to take time! SO, I had better calm down, because I cannot continue to work with this stress level, for two more months!!! If I can make it through this, I can deal with adversity! I know I will learn and grow from this uncomfortable place!

I’m really frustrated that in the passing of the change of management, my coworkers who I looked up to and confided in, all quit. And the few employees who I found most challenging, have stayed on…........ I’m trying to see this as a learning experience, as I have no choice other than to learn.

My job has changed, and it is so easy to see during change, how much I really crave a routine that I can use as a starting point. Also, I feel overwhelmed by having triple the amount of people asking me for help during the work day. this is what managers do. And I am being asked to step into a managerial role, but I don’t crave power, or necessarily want to make big decisions. It’s an interesting place to be. I”m being recognized for my good qualities, but by the end of the day, feel zapped from having to put others needs before my own. Well, I am going to do some free form journal writing tonight to vent even more energy from the day.

Well, it sure does feel like it runs in my blood to have a short fuse, of course usually my anger is stirred by hot topics, like my relationship, trying to make compromises with my man, and when I’m over worked and feeling overwhelmed at work. Guess all that is not really to be blamed on heritage…... Seems I am still aiming towards trying to keep a healthy balance in all respects, and to try to recognize earlier when I’m reaching my boiling point so I can retreat before my temper comes into play. Easy to say now as I sit at home with my cup of coffee. The real test is back in the frying pan.