not be upset if I don't have kids

funny how I’ve ended up here, and not necessarily by design. I’ve lost touch with my maternal instincts and now just feel acutely aware that I am not in a place to take on such a responsibility. I think there is risks either way, so whatever happens, happens. NO kids, sad at times… in the future. But also having kids, can be soo stressful, brings it’s own problems. Life is life! I will live my life in whatever form it brings and be thankful for the ride!

although, let it be said, that I half felt like I was fighting back tears, 10% feeling sorry for myself, 5% feeling all alone in the world, and what does that leave left…..35% just enjoying the party and being happy for my friend…... when I walked out I felt like I had made a successful appearance, smiled, and reminded myself on the way home of all the abundance I do have. Now home, and almost recovered, but it was something alright! I feel so much like Samantha from sex in the city right now, except with the desire for a child… a combo of Samantha and Charlotte, that’s me, what a frickin combo!

a picture of the sweetest newborn baby boy…...oh, he looked like a perfect cherub! those babies stir my hormones something terrible. I need some quick contact with teenagers to set me straight! asap.

I”m so utterly exhausted….. I can’t imagine having to care for another little human. right now, I’m feeling like it’s good I don’t have kids! definitely not ready right now.

I dug out my paints and art supplies and found a collage I had made two years ago. It was during my high time of really being in baby mode, my uterus was at the helm so to speak. I had made a collage with baby/family themes, including a ring and pregnant woman looking so blissed out and beautiful. Now, two years later, I have the ring and hardly wear it, and finally the baby urges are giving way to reality and common sense. It seems that I have been riding out a hormonal storm! Those darn hormones can be dangerous! I think my hormones could be harnessed to develop weaponry, really powerful stuff. Look out Baghdad, they are dropping some of her hormones, yikes! An idea though, it would definitely probably thwart terrorism if they had to deal with my estrogen.

today was on a woman trying to decrease fighting between her two daughters by paying the older daughter $25 a week to play and be nice to her little sister. Oh my goodness, all baby urges have left my body after listening to that. They also replayed excerpts of the kids fighting, yuck! I know for sure I could not deal. perhaps me not having kids is a blessing in many more ways than I fully understand.

My christmas eve was a gift in a way. B’s uncle invited us down for a traditional swedish dinner. His uncle is a retired banker who is always generating ideas, producing videos, writing, he’s fun to visit. He also has four adopted boys ages, 15, 19, 22, and 24. The 24 year old luckily lives on his own, but comes home regularly for food and supplies etc, and has given them grief countless times with drugs and alcohol. The 22 yr old still lives at home and has never had a job for more than a few weeks. He promises he is looking for work and he emails one resume a week and considers that an apt job search, what with all the time he’s watching movies and playing guitar hero. The 19 yr old just got obliquely involved in gang activity stealing in exchange for drugs. Now the 15 year old, he was cute and well behaved, and the parents are really hoping that he will not want to follow his brothers. I could see how stressful it was for the parents, feeling so little control over these boys. They also complained how much their friends influence them and they cannot be reasoned with. I was not envious to say the least. In fact it was downright disturbing to consider dealing with teenagers. So, this week, I’m feeling another release from my hormonal drive to procreate. It feels so good not to have that anxiety and all the thoughts that go along with it. And a girl at work is adopting a baby and I felt so excited for her, I felt a hint that I could feel good about that option in the future perhaps as well. I feel good about starting the new year with a gradually improving perspective on my feelings towards wanting a family. What sweet relief even if just for now.

I watched this movie last night, it did not help things. But it was a pretty cute movie.

I don’t know why I can’t seem to get a better handle on this. I remind myself to relax and trust the future, that things have always worked out, and yet, I remain upset! I seem to keep the lid on this most of the time, but about once a month or so, I realize I’m just pushing my feelings down, and all that upset is just sitting there, not diminished in any way. Darn. I think being around teenagers and screaming babies helps. Perhaps I should check out the local high school for a reality check. This is what it’s coming to.

which brings up many of my own fears and insecurities about aging into my mid-thirties. Just when I feel okay….I get triggered. This is still a hot topic for me. I wish it were all simple and easy to navigate. Rather, life is much more interesting than that! I will find a way to love what cards I’m dealt. Life is an amazing journey!