realize that, when you get right down to it, it's just you

I have a friend who has a deep, rich, inner life. I wonder how I myself can cultivate this. I find myself longing for outer satisfaction, be it through sex, food, wine, movies, etc. I had this big anticipation about watching BSG tonight, but the episode was meh…....
I said, “Oh, I don’t feel satisfied at all!” He said “well that’s the problem, if you are looking to television to satisfy you….”

I thought, yeah, well, hmmmm…....

I would like to cultivate more of an inner life. I am learning how to be single… this seems like a good thing to work on!

while being single is fun and free…
I’ve been blown off this week, cancelled on, and then out last night it just is so hollow and superficial going out to bars, ugh, I’m not into that scene at all! Had a painful conversation with my ex on Tuesday, and it has been tough to recover from. the rest of the week I’ve been tending a sense of loneliness. I remind myself that it’s all relative, I was lonely in my last relationship too, and then I was also trapped and not able to live on my own. Yes, just need to take stock and get my perspective back.

I knew deep down today was the day. I still fought it, as I looked at her, she still looked so fluffy and cute. She even woke up with energy and appetite this morning. In hindsight, I can see she rallied this past few days. I feel so grateful for all the extra cuddles and purrs she left me with. What a trooper. Tonight at the vet, they found her lab values were “incompatible with life” and yet, she remained a true lady till the end. She gave the vet hell, but once they brought her to me she quieted down and was calm, still recognizing my scent and my voice. I was able to hold her on my lap, stroke her, and reminisce about these past eleven and a half years together. I got her as such a small kitten, barely weaned from her mother. I chose her because of her spunky attitude and the crescent moon markings of white on grey on her back. I named her in the car, driving home, trying out all manner of names until I came to Shasta, and it fit. Shasta she was. She has been my touch-stone of peace, laughter, companionship, trials, transitions. She always would wake me up in the morning, gently pawing at my nose, and then biting my nose to rouse me to feed her. I even have a memory of just several days ago, awaking to her by my face, seeing that sweet face first thing, I loved waking up with her. She would sit on my chest and purr every morning. When I was sick, she would purr on my chest. If I was sad and crying she would sit next to me and look at me with concern, and if I was crying while lying down, she would sit on my chest and purr. She was my angel. I feel 100% positive I did the right thing, and that I made every effort to comfort her and keep her as comfortable as possible. I do not regret any of the vet visits, or 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th opinions. I feel complete. I was blessed to have her for almost the entirety of her life cycle, she was nothing but joy and comfort to me. Even in the end, after she was passed on, she still remained consolingly cute, fluffy, and sweet. She was amazing.
Thank you to the 43 things family for following this with me, for all the support, hugs, encouragement. With all the tears, I must be growing in some direction. Despite the tears still flowing, they are more about the good memories, they are not tears of pain, but of the joy in life.

all I can think about right now is shasta. she’s declining, now I’m trying to find someone who will come to my apartment to give her the injection. I don’t want her to have to endure the stress of another trip to the vet, especially this past week with three appointments… poor baby. I’ve heard their are vets who will come to the house. I don’t know how much longer she will last, I think this weekend might be it. I felt better yesterday, but today my chest has a hollow ache. Luckily, I remind myself she’s not having the emotional experience, so even though it feels so bad to me, I think she just feels tired and nauseated. But she still purrs and plays with the string, which is heart-breakingly sweet. She’s been my angel.

I had the wind knocked out of me today, when the vet was even worried about Shasta, he said if she doesn’t improve in a week, she may need to be hospitalized, her kidneys are failing. I’ve been in denial, thinking that I have years left with her, that somehow, it will work out… Today I finally realized that, there is no guarantee, she is dying, slowly, but all the same, it just hit me. I was literally stopped in my tracks, I came home, fell apart, and still feel a heavy ache in my chest. I crave relief from this sadness, from this feeling of being an orphan in the world. She has been my constant companion through some of my lifes highest highs and lowest lows.
It really is all coming down to just me. I’d be fine with that if it didn’t hurt so much…

all it takes is some memento, my hairdresser today saying he’d seen him, he’s doing good, blah, blah, blah
I feel like a horse kicked me in the chest.
F#@#&*%, I want to be beyond this, and I am so not. I can’t kid myself, I’m emotionally wounded, walking around with a big hole. I’m staying in with my cat.
sorry to vent, rant, but I want to be mature, rational, beyond this drug like state of obsessing….......
how can I just get down to me and be cool with that, tears just don’t seem productive at this point.
bah~

had a date tonight. was proud of myself for going out, and not just being a home body… but he likes me! ugh! and wants to see me again, soon…...
funny, but it makes me want to RUN! I am unavailable and clearly not ready. also, my attraction to him, is luke warm… ah well. I’m reminded that time to myself is golden, that was the lesson of the evening! Me, my macbook and itunes! Oh and a glass of wine!

he still is in me, in my thoughts, I still think of him everyday, I miss the good parts. this is the hardest letting go I’ve ever faced… I can and I will, let go and live my life, but right now, it’s still hard.

somehow in the past month I acquired a friend with benefits….. it makes me miss having a relationship…. there is still a part of me that wants to fast forward myself into a relationship…. I am observing, and reminding myself, I’m not ready…. very interesting.

is a girl’s best friend! I picked up a desk today, free, on the side of the road. One of the perks of driving a wagon, I can haul stuff… managed to get it in the apartment by myself. very liberating. Now, looks like I have created another painting project for myself, even though I swore that stuff off…think I’ll paint it black