be happy on my own..not having to rely on someone else for happiness

I had such a good weekend, I actually felt happy to be single. It was a glorious feeling. I actually felt Happy! Can you believe it? It was wonderful. I think this year will be my golden year to spread my wings as an independent woman! Yay me!

I felt a bit lost last night when i realized, here is another weekend, alone, no plans, no one to hang with. And I thought that is the nice comfortable cushion of even a mediocre relationship, a buddy to take to brunch….Thankfully, I didn’t spiral down. Rather, I paused for a moment, and noticed what I was feeling, and then I thought of all the people I know or have known who were single and that they used to do stuff. It’s just a mind set adjustment for me. I guess i was pretty entrenched in the role I played in my previous relationships. Now, no one to worry about or dote on, except me?!!! That is good news! Then I realized, I can do what ever the hell I want. That’s when I decided to go to the spa. I don’t have to be good, I just have to do what I want. Lucky me! I think I am gradually “getting it”, and will be ecstatic with joy at my singledom. Just peeling off the old layers of my mind. This is so much better. What am I afraid of. I like being alone, I like my own company. Yes, this is a process, and slowly I am catching glimpses of my true self, and leaving behind the worry and fear that plagued me before. And patience, I must have patience with myself and this process. But I think I can get good at this.

I hate friday nights when I don’t have plans. I’m PMS’ing, which I think is the real problem here. I would probably feel cranky under any circumstance right now. Also, found out my cat has moderate renal failure and we are going to the vet tomorrow to learn how to give fluids via injection. It’s shocking how I always assumed she would just live forever and always be there for me. Yep, pms, okay, going to work out, that seems like the best thing to do right now. We’ll worry about being happy on our own later.

well, dad told me today, “you need to be happy alone” “you need to learn to live without a man….” “men never like it when women are needy”

oh, and “you should take dance lessons”

well, he was kind, and gave me his honest feedback, and he did listen to me obsessing and rambling in post-break up speak. I haven’t mentioned to him that I am sort of seeing a girl rignt now. Somehow, my thing with her is becoming more and more clearly a rebound/fade into friendship. My dad is right, I need to be alone and be good with it. I need to get my own plan back on track. Wait, first I need a plan, then I’ll see about getting it on a track. Before, my plan was, to try and convince B that we should start a family and get married. Now that plan has been flushed. I have no idea what my life plan is now…..survive, look forward to next paycheck, make sure a vacation is planned so I can have something to look forward to. I think it is high time I re-evaluate what I value and admire and want to embody. May need to set a goal for this. Getting back to basics, this is all good, just doesn’t really feel all that good.

well, I can’t say that I am surprised, I’m sure the universe is chuckling an “I told you so” to me. yes, it was too soon to start dating, but I’m in my mid thirties, aren’t I allowed to speed things up? Plus, wasn’t I grieving the relationship as it ended all of last year? Apparently not as neat and clean as I would have liked!
I have had almost two solid months of lust and fun, and love, and sex!, and so many good things like laughing and cuddling and holding hands, and watching movies together. And it all came to a screeching halt this week when I finally freaked out about the intimacy. All of the sudden it is clear to me that I”m not that ready to move into something so fully. The carefree part, sure, sign me up! But real honesty, communication, and relationship, whoa…..
I was surprised by how fearful I was to be honest, to be what felt like to me, the bearer of bad news. She totally understood, and is as loving and accepting as ever, which I am thankful for, but also secretly hate! Her even temper seems to mirror back to my my mood swings and fears. Very interesting times. I really see, that my communication needs some serious work! I hate confrontation, or even what I percieve as confrontation. And it is funny that what feels to me like confrontation, isn’t necessarily stressful to her or another person. Weird perception shift to figure that out. I still feel panicked and like I want to flee the scene. Her acceptance is a gift, I’m sure. Processing, processing…......
Back to this goal of being happy on my own. What ever happened to that?

moving has been so hard! and yet I am daily reminded that many people actually have “real” problems, like kids, mortgages and health problems. Why is is so hard to remember all that. I have inwardly resisted this starting over process. But, to my credit, I’m mastering the concept and practice of baby steps! that is the only way I cam make it through even simple tasks like changing my address. Yes, three months later, I”m still just trying to get my address changed…..
I bought a small table and chairs last week, and just yesterday finally ordered a tv, and brought home a microwave from costco. having a table and two chairs actually improves my mood and makes it feel more homey and not so depressingly empty! But am I happy on my own…. Not yet. I still feel anxious and fearful and small in this big old world. It’s odd, so many times in life I feel bold, strong and courageous, I know those qualities are still within, they just don’t seem to be taking center stage right now. Fear and anxiety seem to be constant under currents. Work is a great distraction, but at the end of the day, I still come home to myself and the dis-ease of being right where I’m at. I’m trying to breath into that tightness in my chest, and just let myself dialogue with myself. I”m also going to go walk on the treadmill and get some blood pumping. I’ve started dating already, and I”m unsure about that too, too soon, too much of an escape. But it also is irresistable and good and nice and loving. That can’t be all bad. I”m still left wondering though.

today I was feeling pretty strong waves of grief about my relationship not working out despite effort, time, patience, enduring pain, yuck, yuck. Also, I want to have kids…. and I find it hard to want something and not be able to control or influence progress towards it…. Today was tough emotionally, but I did go to yoga with a friend and that helped I feel much better after breathing and stretching. So, must get back into more frequent yoga routine again, definitely need it right now.

pretty darn happy these days. life is good. I love it.