Be patient with myself, forgive myself, and accept myself where I'm at, exactly how I am.

it’s been a slow realization, silly, I cannot influence him to forgive me. there is nothing I can say or do. I am totally out of control. it’s shocking that I felt otherwise, I have had this false sense of control at other times in my life as well. I am repeating this to myself today, to remember that I only have control over myself, and that is a big enough task. his feelings are something I need to let go of worrying over. it’s done. it’s in the past now. I accept this. I release the desire for his forgiveness and forgive myself.

I spoke with my ex tonight, on the phone, for an hour. He reluctantly shared with me that I have hurt him deeply and he can never trust me, nor does he feel he can forgive me. He blames me for causing his pain syndrome, and said that each day he is in pain it reminds him of all the damage I caused him.
after almost nine months, he is still hurt and angry. he seems to remember none of the love, only the things I did to transgress him.
and I pause to consider….
to me it feels terrible to have hurt the one I love. to not be granted his forgiveness, just continued blame. Am I that bad? am I so damaging? perhaps I am. I also hurt my ex-husband. I did many things wrong in the relationship, only to realize too little too late.
I can’t seem to objectively judge just how dangerous of a being I am.

my parents did not model any healthy behaviors to me in their relationship. my brother also, has been repeatedly unsuccessful in love, are we doomed to dysfunction? will all my relationships end in heart break of my crafting? I realize I’m spiralling down here a bit, but it’s just me pausing and reflecting.
I have been hurt by others, and I have hurt others. But going forward, I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I want to heal my own pain, so I do not cause others pain. I am very sad by how this relationship ended. I am very sad that he is in pain. I am very sad that he has not forgiven me. I must forgive myself.

i was thinking last night…
would I trade this year, so marked with emotions, high and low, would I trade it for a cozy, snug, relationship…..
and I think, but all these sharp edges of life would be lost.
all this tasting of being in the world.
I’m out on the cliff’s edge of life, as David Whyte would say, and that is an important place to be, periodically, cyclically.
so, No.
I wouldn’t trade these times.
i am finding a bittersweet beauty in my process, that i think makes me more authentically present and honest with myself.

was in such a mood yesterday…pms probably amplifying it all. In the end, I did get my butt out the door to walk, and after three hours it helped. I also made two phone calls, and that was priceless as well. Hearing about other people’s drama helped me laugh and make light of it all. Yes, life is crazy, and we all have our stuff. It is so great to be reminded of that as often as possible. Engaging with friends helped me get out of my head. So, today, feeling better, feeling more accepting of this grieving rollercoaster! Realizing, at least in this moment, that it will get better, and eventually I’ll have new problems to worry about!

Not quite feeling patient and accepting today. Feeling annoyed at grief, annoyed at sadness, who has time for it?
Well, at least I am alone, and the cats don’t seem to mind my moodiness…
Today I am accepting heart ache, painful memories, tears, and not knowing what else to do about it.

still have two bikes and a massage table left to get out of his place. going back there feels like a spear through my heart. the pain is all fresh and raw again, still there, ready to bring me to tears. the neighbors came out and helped me carry a few boxes and all said they missed me and my cat. I know it is for the best, that I did the right thing, why does is still hurt so much? I found my new theme song which I blasted on my way over there. Jill Scott’s “Hate on Me”. Yes, I did all I could, and he still hates me, nothing I can do to change his heart. It has to be on him now, to be the one emitting such negative energy. For me, I will love and forgive and cradle my delicate, broken heart.

I feel all over the place, like I’m shattered into so many pieces. Some of the pieces are beautiful and feel good, and yet many pieces are sharp, jagged, and hurt! I’ve made a huge move, and broken up a relationship that I had invested my hopes and dreams into. I want to speed through the grieving process, but I know there are no short cuts (doesn’t stop me from looking and hoping though). I have alot to be thankful for, so I am in good ground to learn and deal.

i feel so sad.