focus

Been having a pretty hard time with this lately. I don’t have as much to keep myself in check, kind of running amok. It’s all a process, I know. I just wish I was better with my willpower.
There’s just soooo much out there these days. I’m not sure what to focus on. What to make my baby, to let consume me. Or do I continue to sprinkle myself to all the little things that seem right at the time? Never really giving myself fully though…?

I’ve been a (pot)smoker for a while now. Pretty much since the first time I got high…. 10 years ago. WOW! That’s kind of crazy. I cooled it a bit in college (because I was determined to get the best grades possible) and take a break every once in a while to “clear out” as I call it. But I’ve come to realize that if I HAVE it, I SMOKE it. Call me an addict, if you will. But that’s just the way it is. (contribute it my DNA, perhaps) I just thoroughly enjoy it.

However, I know what it does to me. It makes me lazy, unfocused, unmotivated, constantly hungry and sleepy. So I decied to “clear out” recently and not buy anymore. It’s been a few weeks now since I’ve had my own around the house (not gonna lie, I’ve smoked with others if they’re offering). But the point is, I’m not waking-up and counting down the minutes until I feel it’s ‘appropriate’ to smoke…. then nearly-instantly feeling guilty about it.

Since then (as I often do on these breaks) I’ve noticed a definite difference. I’m more aware, alert, motivated, sharp, etc. I just wish I had better self-control. I wish I could have it and not feel the need to smoke it ALL THE TIME. Use it as a way to unwind after a long day (like a glass of wine), or heighten an experience (like going to the movies with friends), or clean (ohhhhh I looooove cleaning when I’m stoned!) So until then, I have to work on my will power. I wish I had some kind of safe or something that only opens at certain times of day, or knows when I’m really ready for it. I tried to have my roommate hide it from me…. but I always ended up asking her for it the next day.

I wish I could get over this one so I can still enjoy it (from my own stash) every once in a while, but not be a lazy pothead.

I feel lost. I feel like I’ve been treading water for a while now, never really going anywhere. At this point I’m not even really sure what direction to start swimming to. I’ve lost the shore. I’ve lost myself, my drive, my motivation. I’ve lost knowing where to go and how to get there. I feel stagnent and I don’t know how to change that.
I hate this feeling!