get over my ex

Even if I’m almost certain it has few chances of success, I fell in love and it feels great!

Yesterday was her birthday. I struggled not to call her even though it’s a date that means really a lot to me. Made me sad not to be able to tell her sweet things.
Then it was her who called and told me she had been thinking of me and remembering the great times she had on her birthdays with me.
I ought not to think this as an approach and yet… she amazes me.

I was okay, really. Until I had to phone her from work: had to ask some data from the papers she kept (our marriage’s papers). She treated me astonishingly bad! Then she hung up and woulnd’t pick the phone again, even knowing I was in need of that data.
Moved again to insult her, sent her horrible text messages, tried 5 or 6 times again the phone. Back to crying too, can’t hold it, even being in the office.

Back to day one, no advance on this goal. Oh this is horrible.

I don’t really get how hurt I am until I see her again. Then every good thing I had commited myself to (like “not saying anything that may make her sad or hurt her, or not saying i love you and i miss you, or not trying to get answers to the most obvious questions”), vanishes. Then I play a clumsy, unhappy clown, I screw up big time once again and the result is risking my ability to see and spend time with my daughter, the now far very far chance of her ever wanting to talk with me, and my selfrespect too.
Man this is a nightmare.

She’s living 20 miles away now from Santa Fe (in Paraná) and my daughter still comes here for school. So I invited them lunch today (the weather is awful), and she told me they already had plans to lunch somewhere else.
Yeah, where else? who with? with my grandfather, that immediately was on her side? with the people that saw and in a way or another helped her be so unfair to me?

Oh I’m so f*ing far from achieving this goal.

Tonight she rang to say good night to our daughter but she was already asleep, so we talked. I told her she can expect to get anything she wanted from me because I couldn’t hide what I felt for her.