post whatever stupid stuff I feel like posting

for you

suicide just isnt an option for me, for one simple reason: my sister. she has noone – no boyfriend, no parents, no siblings to count on (aside from me), no friends, a crappy job- she needs me. i couldnt possibly make things better for me because it would ruin everything for her. i have to try something else. well besides this rum.
my boyfriend called a few minutes ago. his wallet was stolen. kindof weird because he’s always haranguing me to lock my car doors. and then he leaves his wallet in his car unlocked. i dont know. he told me he’d be really upset if he came home and i wasnt breathing. he has nothing to worry about.

i took some time off from 43 things because i wasnt feeling so great about myself (for many reasons) but i’m starting to feel better so here i am.

i’ve accomplished alot this week: i applied for a 4k loan, was approved and made a list (shiver, wretch, cringe) of all the things i’m required to purchase for next semester. i consolidated my current loans. i called my car insurance company and asked them why they were charging me nearly double for the next 6 months & got it cleared up. insurance companies = satan. i accepted two social engagements. i’ve tried my best to come clean with and slough off a “friend” thats been sticking to me like beach tar. and i finished another painting. not too shabby :)

she doesn’t like to share her water.
i love her face. i know some people dont like snakes but i think they make the greatest pets. she’s so quiet and so damn cool: the way she moves, the way she eats, the way she sheds her skin. she’s pretty amazing.

me: are you still gonna like me when i dont wear glasses?

him: haha, yes, of course. i’ve seen you without glasses your know.

me: so which is better? with or without?

him: i love them both. you have two totally different looks. its like i’m dating two different people.

me: oh i get it. (pause). so you wanna have a threesome later?

him: haha

me: (wearing glasses) i’m here to get things started.
me: (takes off glasses) and i’m here to finish things off.

and feel a little better. i also went to the post office and mailed her pilates dvds. in the email i told her i wasnt going to bother calling her because she doesnt return my phone calls [email rejection is easier for me to take than phone rejection]. i told her if she wants her weights and mat, she will have to make time to see me. kindof underhanded but i cant be expected to ship such heavey and cumbersome items.

its so weird how people will email you and say “we must get together, heres my phone number [again]” and then you call them and they ignore you. we’ve had about 5 rounds of that in the past year, all at her insistance. i’m giving up though. i really suck at this friendship thing. i’m so much better with romantic relationships than friendships. i dont mind too much being broken up with, or breaking up , or starting something new, or ending something old, i guess because i feel confident theres someone better around the corner. but this female platonic relationship business, i just suck at it. oh well, i’m done. i’m over it. and i dont expect to see rainah again. anyone want a pilates mat and some weights? :)

Ikuy: so, mom what kind of place are you looking for?

Mom: well, safe and spacious but not more than $800 a month

Ikuy: okay, well the place we looked at yesterday was really nice and just a bit more over $800. and it was gated and came with a security system…

Mom: but it was in a gated community

Ikuy: right, and?

Mom makes ugly face.

Ikuy: so you want something safe but not that safe?

Mom: well, the terrorists lived in a gated community.

i keep thinking about adding the goal “be less like my mother” but i feel this horrible gut wrenching guilt everytime i try to add it. what is that? i only know one person who feels more guilt than me over trivial irriational things. yes, my mother.

i guess i’m worried that she’d see that goal and feel bad. but i truly dont want to be like her. if i could achieve that, i think i could finally be happy.

i am more like her than any of my siblings. it makes me want to sit in the garage with the car running.

okay so my friend that i dont want to be friends with is back from her european trip and has asked if i want to hang out.

i’m not sure HOW to respond. i’m thinking “i’m busy.” will cover it… or maybe i’ll be a manipulative cuntface like she is and say oh sure i’d love to! and then just be busy for every suggested time and if she asks if something is wrong say “of course not! you are the greatest i love you, i’m just so busy!” this is exactly how she acts to the person she wants to dump but doesnt have the balls to break up with (instead she cheats on her and talks about her behind her back). hmm. it looks like im pretty good at stooping to her level.

so this woman i used to work with is retiring and i recieved an invite today to her retirement party.

she is super nice and was like a mom to me when i worked with her. we are totally opposite – she’s a “local” person who’s been a secretary for 30 years, doesn’t think much of higher education, doesn’t vote, is very concerned with flashy clothes and being tan, doesn’t “get” public radio, takes 50 smoke breaks a day, but you know what? she’s a really good person who looked out for me and really cared about how i was doing. so even though we have like 2 things in common (being female and caucasian), i really liked her.

so here’s why i suck: i dont want to got to her party, and for totally selfish and superficial reasons. a) i would have to be social and talk to people b) i would see a bunch of women (like 25) that i used to work with and they would ask all about me and i’d have to answer personal questions and i just cant take the embarassment and the blushing (which is my response to that kind of attention c) i’ve gained 10 lbs since i last saw these people

so i think i’m just going to make up some excuse and send her flowers. yes. i am the lamest person ever.