be more loving, patient and compassionate with my parents

think i am there (well, most the time…)

not sure why, but not only am i finding myself much more patient and loving, i also am choosing to spend time with my parents more, and actually enjoying their company.

i’m glad.

the ambulance just left – it’s 5 am and my mom was just taken back into hospital again with thachychardia. the consesus last time was that it wasn’t angina so not sure what the deal is, my dad called the ER service this time – i was asleep – so i don’t know what happened.

i know it sounds immature but i just want everything to be ‘normal’ again.

my boss is going to freak, it’s the first day back at the office after the holidays. i wonder if this is how the whole year is going to be?

i hate that when Raph wakes up i have to tell him this, he was so freaked out when she went in last week.

4 of my siblings arrive this month for a vacation, thank goodness. i wish i could say that they will make it ok but when their holidays are over they get to leave again and go back to their homes abroad.

someone told me this week that fibromyalgia is seen by some as a syndrome based on being a caretaker of other people’s needs. interesting, but not helpful. here i am, here they are, this is the way it is.

today was my parent’s golden wedding anniversary (50 years). we had planned on champagne at sunset on Chapman’s Peak. Instead at the breakfast table my mom had what appears to have been a ‘cardiac episode’ – scary, sudden, my dad was not home but Raph got to witness the whole scene. the day became one of ambulances and oxygen masks and drips and long hours in hospital. with no clear indication as to what to expect. she’s being kept in overnight and is still having pains. I am so tired, but can’t sleep.

50 years of wedded.. well. weddedness. they seem to be getting on ok at the moment. but with his speech failing from parkinsons and her hearing going communication is not too good – then again it never has been.

i’m taking dad to buy mom a gold bracelet and we’re all going with him to have a gold stud put in his ear – yes bless him at 73 he’s finally getting a piercing. my mom’s idea – i said he would never go for it and she said she can get him to agree to anything – seems she was right.

hehe.

4 of my siblings are arriving for a few weeks from around the globe in mid Jan. they should be in for a surprise to see the old man sporting a gold stud.

:)

for a couple scans on thursday following a check up at the doctor last week. she’s had cancer twice and has been clear for a good number of years but she’s been unwell lately and is heading for 70.

last night i had a really horrible dream about her, she was bleeding great drops of sticky black blood from her arms (weird i know, but that’s dreams for you) and i knew she was dying. i asked her in the dream if she was frightened and she replied “all the time”.

i keep seeing and hearing this over and over and when we got back from the music festival this week end she was feeling very unwell and i have been filled with tenderness and compassion for her (which is not my usual way of being with her).

i will be driving her to the scan on thursday.

i emailed my mom last night a list of all the things (i stuck to recent years) that she’s done ‘right’.

she really appreciated it and i’m glad i did it, esp. cos we never know when a missed opportunity becomes a lost-forever opportunity.

sometimes he seems so determined not to help himself in any way. i know he is depressed but he could do something – anything. he refuses to do anything to get out of the house, and indoors he doesn’t read, do puzzles, even watch TV – he just sits and stares at the blank screen, or lies on his bed with the door closed, or sits on the stairs. he looks lost and i feel sorry for him but there is a lot he could do if he would apply himself.

the thing is, he has never been interested in anything beyond his work. never had a hobby, never enjoyed playing or even watching sport, never DID anything after hours except sleep. Now that he has parkinsons and increasing dementia it’s like he is literally just waiting to die. i want to shake him so hard and tell him he could have years ahead of him and he needs to find something to do, but he stubbornly refuses and walks away and sits back in his room, staring at the floor, with the curtains closed against the sun.

i decided to head off to gym before i start work (which i do from home today).

Raph’s still off school with the asthma, my dad has a few days of work believe it or not (how they can let him work is beyond me and the thought of him driving gives me nightmares)

so i left Raph with my mom, just for an hour, he was reading and she was i her bed next door.

two minutes down the road my muscles already start relaxing and i feel free for a few minutes when my cell rings – mom’s heart is racing and she’s having a panic attack and please can i come back.

so i did. calmed her down, made her tea, told her 10 x it was ok (she was apologising all the time) and now it’ too late to go back.

i wish i was one of those people who really is happy to do this, one of those saintly people who honesty are fine with it but i’m not. i’m pissed off. not with her, but with my 5 brothers and sisters living around the world and not having to deal with this.

my dad (he with the Parkinsons, early Altzheimers and Prostate Cancer) and my Mom (the cancer survivor who is currently laid up in bed with a cough so bad she can’t talk without choking, and IBS and no appetite) are both in the depths of depression at the moment – well Dad is often / always and mom gets beside herself with worry and then gets weepy – well the two of them have needed lookin after the past week, so i’m cooking, shopping, etc, and now Raph has asthma again and that means little sleep as he is in my bed so i can hear if he needs medicine or to be nebulised. Today began aat 5 with coughing then off to the doctor for cortisone for Raph, then the chemist, then i tried to work from home inbetween watching Raph and helping my mom cook her breakfast after she nearly fainted in the kitchen and then had to cook lunch but had no time to eat before heading off for my appointment with the neuroloist and then had to pick up a new tyre from the mechanic and buy food, cook food, wash dishes, have Raph throw his food away, throw mine away cos my appetite is gone then get Raph showered and into bed and then tidy the house before my friend came round for hot chocolate at 9 pm.

i am exhausted, my personal life is all over the place, i am having stress symptoms, my boss is not happy that i’m not working faster, my dad is driving me crazy asking me the same questions all the time (at the moment – when am i going t cook the frozen vegetables he bought two days ago and won;t they go off? – he asked me that all day)and my mom is dong the ‘i’m sorry to be such a pain i’m not sick on purpose’ thing and Raph is suffering from cabin fever and doing things like spitting on the heater to see what will happen and shooting water pistols in the house and wetting stuff and i am too wired to sleep eve though i am tired.

ok, had to get that off my chest.

i feel like i’m running an old aged home and a hospital and a restaurant and a school all at once and i am pissed with my siblings for all being across the world and leabing me to do everything.

i am also feeling very sorry for myself.