develop a sustainable relationship

not without some close calls tho. such as new years 09.

but here we are, the ex-ex and i still together. who woulda thunk?

for now.

we’ll see how it goes this time.

i am feeling completely - calm this time. not excited, sadly. not scared. not hyper anxious about not fucking up. just calm.

(ok so it probably won’t last, but it’s a good way to feel as long as it lasts…)

of positives in no particular order:

things we both like:

stopping for coffee on the drive through to my office (when he’s here the x-x drives me to work so he has use of the car for the day)

swimming first thing in the morning even if it’s freezing, usually with Raphael.

driving around areas we like looking at houses and deciding which ones we like (we sometimes even like the same ones!)

Blood Diamond and Spiderman (there are very few movies we like, these are two i can think of and we’re both wanting to see Iron Man when he gets back next month so that could be a third)

eating out esp breakfast

beer (specifically we both like Stella draft, and Heineken)

red wine, occasionally

spending lots of time in bookshops (and if he buys himself a book he’ll usually buy me and Raph one too)

ditto CD shops

music we both like includes Jack Johnson, Ben Harper, and we’ll both listen to MOST of the music the other person likes and even enjoy it even if we wouldn’t buy it ourselves.

hiking in the mountains

long drives with music on

ooh! sex. with each other.

skinny dipping

the beach – walking, or swimming (he’s not keen on lying on the beach for hours like i am but…)

reading for hours

staying in bed with coffee and books on cold days

browsing shops (surf clothing shops, homeware stores)

buying groceries together is usually fun. he likes to pin me against the shelves with the trolly

ok that’s it for now. maybe other things will come to mind another day

to the point where we had the should-we-keep-trying-or-give-up conversation on Tuesday night.

i’ve been feeling lonely and neglected. and frustrated. the sex, as always, has been good – even better than good – but everything else has felt wrong, stilted, awkward.

it says something that the talk wasn’t a fight, but quiet and sad. he didn’t even argue when i said perhaps we just can’t make it work.

my reasons being the same as before – we have nothing in common apart from Raph. we live lives where we have different friends, different interests, different beliefs, different lifestyles.

i feel like we are two marbles in a small box. never connecting.

oddly, since the talk he has been truly lovely and loving. but is it enough? i know we love each other,
but again, when is love not enough to make a life together?

it was free and open and loving and nice.

there is always this feeing that something is missing, it may be missing inside me tho. hard to tell. as opposed to with us.

i am missing him a bit but it’s good missing, without regrets this time.

very very good

Raph, the x-x and i had fun shopping for couches, fridges and bunk beds ,for his new place; he bought Raph a Tintin book and me a dress and stocked up the groceries, filled up the car, we swam and had lunch out and all the while it was lovely, fun, peaceful, tender.

i know life isn’t always like this but i’m enjoying the moment.

the house is clean (thanks to the lady from the cleaning company we got in today)

the car is washed and buffed (thanks to Raph) and vacuumed and polished inside (thanks to me)

the legs etc are smooth (after a trip to the salon this morning)

Raph is asleep.

I am waiting for the airport shuttle and the knock at the door.

the x-x gets back tomorrow night. i am looking fwd to seeing him but feeling a little anxious as his last visit was awful and we have a tentative truce.

the thing is, instead of 4 weeks off he’s been only given 4 DAYS off and has to be back on the rig by Tuesday – 4 days in 2 months solid of 12 hour days / 7 days a week. he is exhausted and the last week his emails have dwindled to almost zero and i know his mood is low.

what i know is this: he needs a proper break and no stress in these 4 days, so whatever i’m handling and whatever ‘relationship’ issues need to be worked on, this is not the time to do it.

so i have a deal with my friend avalon – if he’s pissing me off, if i’m sad, or angry or scared or my anxiety or fybro pain or ANYTHING is stressing me out i am not going to put it on to him, i’m going to call her and vent safely there and just be a calm sane loving non-needy person – surely i can do this for 4 days right? there will be time to work on stuff, and he was very supportive with emails and calls when i was at rock bottom between xmas and new year, now i need to step back and let him breathe and not freak out if he is quiet or try make him discuss heavy stuff.

if he wants me around i will help him with buying stuff for his new place which he has asked me to do, if he wants to be alone and surf or visit friends i will get on with enjoying my family visiting.

i can do this. i don;t want to push him away. it’s a delicate time for us and i know i want to not mess up.

and i don’t want it to be in an email to the x-x.

maybe after i’ve made the dinner i’ll come back here and vent.