be happier

i’d rather be dead than… well seemingly anything right now. i feel trapped. and stupid. i feel like i should be passionate, but i’m simply not.
i should feel guilty perhaps, though i have done nothing wrong as such, but… i don’t.
should i feel tied to something that has no passion?
( i do not think it means what you think it means )
maybe everything just goes downhill from here, everything keeps going wrong. hey, hasn’t it for the past, oh, two weeks in particular, three years in general? perhaps i shouldn’t talk like this, but it seems more likely than not.
who understands what passion is? obviously not some people i could mention. (i won’t)
my life just seems to be so many more mistakes than good decisions.
i can’t do this anymore.

what happens when you lose your happiness?
i need to know whats going on… whats happening to me
give me an answer, make it up if need be,
i need to know this isn’t only me

tell me theres light at the end of the tunnel
that my joy will soon return
tell me its going to to be alright,
my heart will no longer yearn

(libby, i wish you could see this,
i wish you’d never left,
we carried each other through the hard times,
together we laughed and wept

but now you’re gone,
and i feel so alone
though i cry so often,
my heart has turned to stone

listening to this music
remembering what has been,
for better or worse,
i’m still clueless as to why i’m here.)

i still admire the forest,
i know i should be filled with awe,
but it seems nothing can change my mood,
the problem is right at the core.

i still talk to people,
but i don’t feel them,
or them me,
it’s like an unspoken agreement, covenant

i still go through all the motions,
and though to others i seem like a rollercoaster
it feels like i’ve been stuck at the bottom for years…

i can’t talk to people- i find no joy in it anymore.
i don’t understand, and i’m scared to know..
when i find out too much… how will i cope? what will i do? how could i try to make it alright? how could i just sit by andwatch? how can i help otthers withoutknowing myself? how can i help MYSELF without knowing myself???

i don’t know what to do… please,if anyone can help at all, please do… email me at k8_aitken@hotmail.com… i need to hear from you