feel centered again

Torn between where to put this entry — it could go under “finish writing a book” as well as here. Ultimately I went with this goal since it should get less attention here, and I’m writing this for me, not for people out there who want to write a novel. ;)

Today I uncovered an old writing project of mine — not a piece of writing, but a goal project I had, to write one page a day, every day. I started a long time ago. I never finished. I gave myself two weeks to try it, and see if it worked; I never made it that far.

But I kept a log of what I did do. And I started a new log today, in honor of resurrecting the project. In honor of my old self, and in support of my new self, I will finish what she started.

I will write every day for at least two weeks. No limits on what I’m permitted to write; I merely must write. One page. Every day.

We’ll see what comes of it. But just setting this goal puts me back into a mindset where I feel more myself, more balanced, and more centered.

Which is why it’s appropriate to leave this entry here. ;)

There’s a nice blog post here with writing exercises to help heal emotional pain, which helps get rid of the mind-clutter that keeps me from feeling really centered: http://jennymannion.com/healpain/2008/07/5-writing-exercises-to-help-heal-pain/

Felt good driving around tonight after seeing Tom Wilson live, then walking around Ybor for a little. I like driving with fun music after a theaterish thing. I really am an arts person in a lot of ways … way more than I am a mundane office person. At least now I have contrast for proof. ;)

Brian and I are recovering from the are-we-going-to-lose-the-house? fiasco, and he took some time off last week, which was exceedingly nice, but at the moment I’m still feeling mentally out of it: that’s what happens when stressful situations try to pile up. Like, hi! Since May I’ve

• lost one of my few close friends to a stupid romantic relationship;
• had to move all my stuff from St. Pete to Palm Harbor in under two weeks, with less than two weeks’ notice;
• almost lost my new home to a financial fiasco due to slacking all around and my inability to do anything with financial accounts that don’t have my name on them;
• had an unexpected and expensive (for my budget) medical procedure; and
• had my mom diagnosed with a malignant breast tumor.

On top of it, right now I’m in financial limbo which could potentially save us from having to worry about finances, but I’m waiting on things to be finalized, and if I keep having a blurry intuition that drags things out and gives me yet more excuses to worry, it’s just going to stress me out more.

(Oops, guess I shouldn’t have sent it Certified Mail, because they tried to deliver it on Saturday when no one was at the office and now I don’t know if it will even make it back to me if returned to sender due to a crappytiny return-label stamp? Oh, really, I should have made sure that Brian’s resume had my cell phone as the contact number because he sent resumes out on Wednesday but we didn’t get the home phone reactivated till Monday and people have a tendency to call immediately and want immediate results when he applies?)

Yaaa. I know that practice makes perfect, but that doesn’t mean I won’t feel like whinging when my life seems to demand that I practice not worrying at all, no matter what happens, for four months straight. YAAA!

I am seriously frustrated by pointless delays to rectifying this financial situation. I have waited over FOUR MONTHS already, not even counting the many months I’ve waited on Brian to get a new job (which has been delayed with usually reasonable reason that doesn’t make it any less stressful). Now someone is breathing down my neck to hire me and I feel like I’m losing the opportunity due to stupid things like sending the papers back Certified instead of just trusting them to First Class mail. Ugggh.

I need some of Brian’s Calming tea. We ought to just buy it in bulk. ;)

I had a moment yesterday for which the most accurate description will sound fluffy, so fluffy I shall sound. Once upon a time, there was the me who could Whipcrack people—it’s like what some channelers do in the Wheel of Time world to convince people to do what they want. What’s it called, again? ;) The Whipcrack is the difference between telling someone they’re stupid and having them get pissy, and telling someone they’re stupid and having it sting so much they remember it for a while afterward, and are forced to ponder why I would say such a thing. The Whipcrack could, I suppose, be considered a variant on the Bene Gesserit Voice, but yesterday I remembered that that’s not all it is, or at least that’s not all it feels like.

Yesterday, I was somewhat annoyed by the idea of Brian continuing indefinitely to not understand his own (past) addictions, and I instinctively considered Saying something to jolt him out of it; I haven’t really had that instinctive impulse in a while, although I have had the urge to do it … differentiating between the two subtly (and possibly very temporarily, mostly for purposes of this entry ;)), using “impulse” as a strong feeling that comes on suddenly and “urge” as more of an inclination that comes to one’s awareness. In any case, I had the sudden strong feeling that I ought to Say something and jolt him, and then I had an energy field shift.

See? I said it would sound fluffy. ;)

But that’s what it felt like, anyway, and phooey on anyone who can’t take any meaning out of things that sound shades of fluffy. The reason I call it the Whipcrack is that that’s what it feels like I’m getting ready—an emotional-mental energetic lash that will make my message sting and leave a mental welt. The Whipcrack won’t leave permanent damage in the right hands (much as the damage done by a cat o’ nine tails depends on how the wielder uses it), but it does demand that one be conscious of it for a while after it’s inflicted.

Anyway, I formed a theory yesterday that one reason I haven’t had the impulse to Whipcrack someone in years is that I haven’t actually had the energy to do it. The Loony Theory version (meaning one that’s not really meant to be taken seriously, although it could still be true ;)) is that when I’m more centered, I use up less energy on fighting to be myself, and thus I have more energy to use in “spells” like the Whipcrack, and other People Effects I used to have and use. That’s a very gameresque/fantasy-novel-esque way to say it, and I’m not saying it’s literally true, but it does seem to fit as a general guideline for how my talents work. It is undeniably true that I haven’t had the energy to be myself in years, and that’s just one of the ways I haven’t been myself—I’ve had more mundane effects on people than I do when I feel centered and energetic.

So yeah. I’m more frequently feeling closer to centered these days. I even had a moment when Troy was over the other day, when we got into a tangent about meditation, and I was describing walking meditation, and I could suddenly center myself again—I could suddenly do what I was describing. I haven’t quite had the knack of it again afterward, but for a moment there I was functioning somewhat like I used to.

So there’s hope yet. ;D Cheers.

Fort Lauderdale Renaissance Faire this weekend was good. Stars and trebuchets, new friends and old friends, the opportunity for moments of quiet between periods of feeling like I was doing something, beautiful pirates belonging to me and waiting for me to utilize their support, the memory and phoenixes of old feelings from Once Upon a Time—all these things and others helped a little toward restoring my balance, my coherence, my awareness, my self.

Pirate Fair didn’t help, but it may have gotten me back in practice for dealing with Faires that do help, so cheers to that. May the rest of this run do me just as much good. :D

Cheers!