live passionately

is a good way to start holidays, especially while two films to watch are Gran Torino (even though it’s not exactly a comedy, the dialogues were so brilliant that everyone was constantly laughing xD) and Curious Case of Benjamin Button, which I recommend even more.

now I think of going to the shooting-range with my friends again. we were there with school this week and really enjoyed it, so why not? I will also finally have more time for my passions (for my goals!), maybe for some meetings – and now I think I should go to sleep, as it is 5:15am xD

...my recently-bought guitar, developing drawing skills and the enthousiasm for Japanese, French and German, having English Olympiad in prospect and going all crazy over Proust and Mann, discovering more and more music bands (Van der Graaf Generator! Jack Colwell!)... I can say that my life has gotten more interesting lately!

Personal life sucks though. No love and I feel I’m losing one of my friends. I hope that I will just ignore the first thing and deal with the other one…

Today, my mother left for a 4-day trip. I’m alone for the whole four days ^^
Hardly had she shut the door that I burst out with laughter, dancing, jumping, sparking with joy and lightness of being. On my own! Like… independent? I don’t know what fills me with this joy, but I feel it.
I’ve always altered my personality in order to suit the people around me. This time I’m completely alone, there is noone to affect me. I’m my true self. And my true self is ovrcome with joy :D
Listening to Queen, Pink Floyd, Magic Position (Patrick Wolf) and some blissful anime songs while dancing helped me to get this joy out, to live it.
And I’m wearing a beautiful skirt, which in my private world of symbols means freedom.
And I’m empty, meaning that there is noone I’m troubled with.

I WANT CHANGE. This is the time for change. How much can one change in four days? I don’t know. But I know that when my mum comes back, she will meet another person. Self-confident, happy, joyful, wearing skirts and pony tails, laughing out loud, juggling, dancing, singing, playing a guitar (soon), drawing, maybe even writing, going out, learning the fucking Japanese, going to win the Olympiad, successful and living her life to the fullest.

I know this dream will come true. It has to. I have noone by myself. Which means – I have noone to stop me from living as I like. From developing. From being happy. It’s… it’s all so beautiful.

___ “Prince Charming” Jim’s Big Ego __

you’re gonna have to be your own prince charming
gonna have to ride your own stallion
gonna have to find your own castle
gonna have to raise your own sail
and there’s gonna be a happy ending
but that’s only the beginning
this ain’t no fairy tale
it’s true
it’s real
it’s you

___“Innuendo” Queen____

You can be anything you want to be
Just turn yourself into anything you think that you could ever be
Be free with your tempo be free be free
Surrender your ego be free be free to yourself

Oh yes we’ll keep on tryin’, we’ll tread that fine line
oh we’ll keep on tryin’, till the end of time

___“The Show Must Go On” Queen___

My soul is painted like the wings of butterflies,
Fairy tales of yesterday, will grow but never die,
I can fly, my friends!

The Show must go on
The Show must go on!
I’ll face it with a grin, I’m never giving in, On with the show!

I’ll top the bill! I’ll overkill! I have to find the will to carry on,
On with the,
On with the show!

The Show must go on, go on, go on, go on, go on

hah, I just have to give an account of this “passionate” week that just passed. Firstly, I got myself drunk, for the first time in my life for real, I don’t really remember what I said or did xD
Not that I’d like to repeat the experience. But it’s good to know how one feels then.
Secondly, the night walk in Wilno with my friend. Pure, unadulterated parade of joy ;D
some serious talks. oh well.
and I’m started to get passionate about drawing.
and Patrick Wolf ;) and music, in general.
and this little story of mine to write is still on my mind, getting ripe. It’s also something to be passionate about ^^

did I mention going to Emilie Autumn’s concert? definitely one of the most passionate things that happened to me this year!

I feel that I’m going in the right direction – my life pace is faster, more meetings, things to do, something happens and I’m driven into it. Even this week I have 1 more party, I go to the cinema, theatre, and with a friend for a coffee (quite a new friend ^^). I’ve been also a bit more loquatious recently. it’s all exciting!

but living passionately somehow doesn’t accord with systematic actions. I’m slacking with my “Remembering the Kanji” goal and some other, less important ones. It doesn’t feel good… but passion comes first, huh? I want to find some time to work on them anyway!!!

In the last two days, I experienced my first “breakdown” this year. It’s a period of time when I’m completely apathetic, dizzy, not wanting to do anything, not smiling… you know, just like the opposite of what “a passionate life” looks like.
What helped me get through it? Inspiration. I watched a few episodes of anime telling the story of an over-energetic girl (Haruhi Suzumiya) – it sort of cheered me up and made me want to imitate the girl a little.
Also watching films about people determined to achieve their goals, listening to powerful music (although this “musical” incentive may be not sufficient), coffee or coca-cola… and I’m alive again.
Also getting up early is vital – when I get up at 12 o’clock I feel that half of the day has already gone by and the feeling of loss overwhelms me. so, the goal of “waking up when my alarm clock goes off” has suddenly become an essential part of “living passionately”! :D
It’s also good to talk to somebody in person, it may help.
Also… to cry. Shedding tears clears your mind and organism.

I have been feeling really cheerful for the past few days! Two parties, one nice family meeting, I am continuously striving to achieve my goals, I have the energy to do things, it’s fantastic!
To crown it all, today I got the best note (6) in Polish for an essay while I usually get fours. I couldn’t believe my eyes, it made my day, really. And then I could go home two hours earlier than usually… Such a nice day it was.
Looking at my recent morale-o-meter (9-10-10-10-10-8-10) makes me feel good. Many things happen, I do not constantly doze… I want to keep it up and even improve, I want it so much!!!...

just a while ago a friend of mine invited me for the New Year’s Eve. So I will experience a perfect New Year’s Eve, with a group of close friends, I love it so awfully! and until today I feared I would stay at home…
what’s more, two days later, I’m invited for another little party :D and my birthday is on 22th January, I will have to give it some thought… and passion ;)
It sounds like such a happy beginning of 2009!

I think that’s the best way for me to describe the state I’m in. It is like I was in a daze, not fully awake. That’s why my world is hazy and I’m so inert, incapable of undertaking any serious action.

but life… life is not a dream, it’s real! I have to wake myself from this incessant nap. that’s the goal. For starters, I listen to some lively music, reading about the House of Hannover – for the English olympiad.

It’s going pretty well, but I’m still somewhat inert, unable to fully DEDICATE myself to what I’m doing. I don’t know how to overcome this, how to develop lasting, strong emotions towards anything I’m doing. Now, I’m just… glad, and glad isn’t passionate.