fix my relationship

I’m pretty sure my relationship is as “fixed” as it will get. It’s far from perfect, but I don’t think we are on the verge of breaking up or killing each other.

The turning point was that he came with me to meet my entire family. I am SO grateful for his presence and the fact that he paid for much of the trip. I adore him, I really do.

I sometimes think we aren’t going to last because I don’t get “butterflies” anymore when I am near him. But I know that is not realistic at all, and eventually relationships grow out of the stage. Still, I long for more spicy moments here and there. I don’t enjoy sex as much as I want. I think the new baby and our opposite schedules contribute to it.

Wow, reading those old posts, I am happy to say things are much better now. I’m glad I am not living that way anymore!

We still fight like cats and dogs, but we bounce back quick. We fight over the dumbest things known to man. I am too embarassed to even mention them on here.

Last night my b/f suggested we wait until next month to go. Are you kidding me? We are barely hanging in there as it is! I told him that was a really shitty idea and I expect him to find a Dr. THIS WEEK. He is the one with the insurance, so HE has to find someone. If it were in my hands, I would have found a doctor MONTHS ago! It seems to me he doesn’t care!

Things are going sooo bad right now. We officially broke up yesterday. Now he is telling me he wants counseling. I suggested this dozens of times in the past and he never wanted to do it. Now that I’ve practically moved on he wants this.

He isn’t a bad person. He’s just selfish. I have a really hard time feeling unimportant and unloved. He doesn’t prioritize me when I really need him. He says my expectations are too high. I say I won’t settle. He says I verbally beat up on him becuase I don’t let things go. I want an apology before I let anything go.

The last words he said to me were “I hope I die” before he drove off to his gig. A lot of times I feel sorry for him.

What I hate and resent most of all is that we fight in front of our 6 week old child. I am failing as a parent by doing this. I think the guilt of it is making me want to leave. I don’t feel safe with my boyfriend anymore and he doesn’t feel safe with me.

Numan and I still argue, but we are very quick to bounce back. We say “I love you” much more often, and we kind of teamed up in raising our baby. I feel much more committed than ever.

My boyfriend has a lot of issues that were never resolved. He blames me for everything and takes no fault for any of his problems. I’ve been adjusting very well to the change of having a baby. I’m the one holding this relationship together. He posesses the same qualities as my sister. He is very immature and stubborn. I am willing to stick around though. I really want to be with him. He needs to stop dumping me every time we argue though. I hate feeling so insecure like I might not have a boyfriend at the end of the day. We break up about once a week lately.

I love him more every day. I am a little scared still. Our relationship is so rocky – full of ups and downs. I want it to last. I feel like I do everything I can to make it successful. I want him to want this too though.