Share and enjoy the pleasures of smoking cigarettes

When I was in high school, I was fascinated by smokers. They looked like they were really enjoying their cigarettes. I longed to be one of them. I was secretly attracted to women who smoked. I wanted to try it but I was afraid of what people would say. Sometimes I would smoke in secret but I really longed to join in with other smokers and smoke in public. I just couldn’t make that leap. So instead I became an outspoken anti smoker. This had two purposes. The first was to deny my true feelings and the second was that it pretty much insured that I would never smoke because I was afraid to look like a hypocrite. I have also always been into fitness and was afraid to face my family and friends as a smoker. So I never really began smoking although I would have one in secret from time to time. I would have been mortified if anyone knew. However, I always wished that I had the courage to act on my urge to become an unrepentant out in the open smoker.
In my early 20’s, I started dating a woman who was a smoker. She was beautiful. Everyone liked her. People would sometimes comment however that they couldn’t believe that I was dating a smoker because I was so anti-smoking. But because she was so nice and quite attractive people understood my ability to “overlook” her smoking. Surreptitiously I enjoyed that she was a smoker. Eventually we married and have been together for over 20 years.
I confessed to my girlfriend (who eventually became my wife) about my desire to smoke but only at home in front of her. She tried to discourage me. She didn’t want to be blamed for getting me started. But knowing how enjoyable smoking could be, she gave me her support. Once I got started, she was into the idea of me being a smoker. After a while, smoking became a habit that I practiced only at home or when I was out of town and nobody I knew would see me. This went on for 2 decades. We never had children so smoking in front of kids was not a problem. However, I was never able to fully enjoy smoking because my fear of being seen in public by someone I know was unbearable. I envied people who had the courage to smoke in front for their friends and family. My wife and I would go out and she would be smoking. I did smoke in public from time to time but on occasion I was almost caught. So although I enjoyed smoking, my anxiety over being found out pretty much kept me smoking at home only. Eventually I quit altogether. The pleasure of smoking no longer outweighed the anxiety over being caught caused me. That was about 5 years ago. Shortly after, my wife quit also. So now we were both nonsmokers.
About a year ago, my wife started again. I didn’t complain or nag. I figured she would quit again. She hasn’t. About 2 months ago, I started smoking again. I smoked for a few days and then stopped. I was starting to enjoy it but I didn’t want to go through anxiety of having to hide it from my friends and family again. About a week ago, all I could think about was smoking a cigarette. The urge was so strong that I stopped at a drug store in my neighborhood bought a pack, and smoked one right in front of the store. It was very enjoyable. I went home and told my wife that I was smoking again. She rolled her eyes and said “that’s nice”. She figured that I would smoke the pack and that would be it. It had been years since I had smoked and I was really enjoying this pack of cigarettes. Finally I decided, I said to myself “I don’t care about my family and friends, I am going to smoke in front of everyone.” “I LIKE SMOKING AND I AM GOING TO SMOKE!”
The next day I went to my mom and sister’s house. I brought a pack of cigarettes with me. I told them “I want you to know I am smoking.” “I have been smoking on and off for years and am tired of keeping it a secret.” “I just started again and don’t want to have to sneak.” I was nervous. I felt like I was seventeen years old again but I didn’t loose my nerve. When I was young, I used to criticize my mom and sister for smoking. I expected them to call me a hypocrite and tease me for all of the crap I gave them over the past. When I finished speaking, I took out a cigarette and lit up right in front of them. I didn’t care what they thought or said. A weight was lifted off of my shoulders. That cigarette was one of the best I have ever had. They were both very surprised. They had no idea that I had ever smoked. We talked about it for a while and I smoked another cigarette. I gave them the whole back story. They were kind of shocked but I felt very comfortable smoking in front of them and talking about it. I was back over there today. I no longer have any anxiety. I smoked in front of them again. They have no problem with it. Smokers understand the lure of smoking. They said that it will take time to get used to me smoking but they understand why I want to. It was the best thing I have ever done. I wish I had come out long ago. My wife feels a little guilty about me smoking again but she is glad that I am out in the open. Today I bought a carton of cigarettes. I will enjoy them finally the way I have always wanted to. I have no regrets.