Mind, Body, Soul

Things are pretty bad right now. I’m not sure how to fix it, but I’m working on it. Very stressed. But it’ll all be okay! Just don’t know when.

So I need to remember that I didn’t turn around today. I could have, I could have gone back home and pretty much blacklisted myself from this line of work. I could have given up.

But I pushed on. Spent 13 hours in my car when it was supposed to only have taken 10 1/2. Made it to my initial destination instead of dropping short. Kept myself awake. Drove through 4 different areas of blinding rain, so bad I couldn’t see the road. Pressed on despite the storms. MADE IT.

The next few months are going to have rough patches. But I don’t want to give up just yet. Not yet.

One of those DAYS!

I painted my room yesterday and I kind of like it, but kind of don’t. In fact, I either love it or absolutely HATE it. And I don’t know why it’s such a big DEAL. It took one day to paint it all, so it’ll take one day to paint over it with Kilz and another day to paint over the Kilz. So really, by Friday next week I could have it DONE, furniture back, etc.

But I want it done NOW because it feels like my whole life is in flux. Having my bedroom torn apart and not feeling like it’s my room isn’t helping with all my weird anxieties that have popped up since I’ve gotten home. Having my stuff all over the house isn’t helping, either.

I feel like I’m going to throw up and I can’t stop crying – which I’m pretty sure is just PMS – so I’m trying to tell myself that by TOMORROW I’ll be feeling just fine. Just fine! I wish I weren’t so damn LONELY right now. I’m meeting a friend for coffee at 6:30 and texted to see if she can meet earlier. Ugh, I feel so needy.

I’m supposed to be hearing back from a job today – hopefully – but even so it’s a 19-week position and I’d have to find housing, and it’s 14 hours from home…but at least then I’d know if I HAVE a job.

Everything just feels like chaos.

And my walls are the color of a shamrock shake! Who thought that was a good idea!

I talked to wonderful boy(friend?) today and was all teary because of a terrible, terrible crime that just happened to my sister’s boss and he’s great, but I think was probably like “whoa, she’s emotional” which who knows, might not be a good thing. I don’t know! But at least I get to see him in 12 days, so…bright spot. Even brighter than my walls, which are pretty damn bright.

Interviewed for a job today. Nailed it.

Whether or not it works out is yet to be seen, but I’m just happy that I got an interview, that the interview went well, and that God has a fun sense of humor. :D

“Be in love with your life. Every detail of it.” – Jack Kerouac

Just having one of those sad days. What is going on??

Between the Korean music that I can’t understand, the late hour, Ash Wednesday, and the text messaging, I’m having a WHAT is going on here moment.

Went to church for the first time in a LONG time tonight. It was great, surprisingly. New pastor, which is definitely a GOOD thing. I was nervous about going, but everything turned out fine. Lots of hugs, lots of people happy to see me. So that was really nice.

Sitting here listening to music and playing a mindless game, and I get a text. “Happy Early Valentine’s Day” from…Coffee Prof. What?! Just, what?!

So we’re trying to have a text conversation (first ever?) and we’re DEFINITELY not on the same page with anything. So, this is weird. I think he thinks I’ve left town again, and I’m talking about my having left a year ago…

And every time I glance up and catch my reflection in the mirror I see a black smudge on my forehead and remember that it’s the ashes…

It’s times like these I JUST want to know what’s going on.

1) silly as it is, I wish his facebook status didn’t say “single.”

2) if I were mad rich, I’d send myself flowers on Valentine’s Day.

:D

(I should also add that I wish it didn’t say “single” because of me. Not some girl who lives 4000 miles closer.)

Dear Valentine,

Really wish I knew how you felt so I could write my card to you accordingly. I mean, I think I know, but I’m a girl and we second guess things sometimes. Either way, I think you’re keen, and I hope you like the card I’m sending. And that it reaches you in good time.

xoxo

http://jasongood.net/365/2012/12/46-reasons-why-my-three-year-old-might-be-freaking-out/

made me giggle a LOT. :D