Fall in love without losing myself

It’s a bit private.

But it’s pretty awesome.

This goal is tricky to unpack. What marks progress? What’s the measure of success? How does this concept “fall in love” pay the semantic bills?

Some would say that falling in love is an “I know it when I see it” kind of thing. But then that sucks. I hate shit like that. If I have to see it to know it, then how do I find it, or go about creating it? Some unpacking is necessary, or else why bother setting the goal in the first place, since by definition, you don’t even know what you’re talking about unless you’ve already done it?

Is it progress that I’ve had 2 highly enjoyable dates with someone that I find fascinating and unbearably sexy? Or, is it possible that, somehow, this interaction will never reach the “fall in love” state, and so, is actually just a distraction? Or, more complicated still, is it possible that a distraction is actually a requisite part of getting to a place with myself where “fall in love” is even a possibility? How much of this is rational and how much is rationalization?

The “without losing myself” part is easier conceptually. In a lot of past relationships, I’ve done stupid things. I’ve moved in with girlfriends too soon, agreed to things that I didn’t really want, and generally ignored my own desires and feelings in favor of doing what I thought was expected or proper.

The new approach is radically different. Being so soon after the end of my marriage, I am playing the odds and saying that anything new will almost certainly end badly. The goal of “make this relationship last” or “make sure she keeps liking me” is thus pointless and full of fail. Instead, assuming that it will end badly, my goal is to have as much fun as possible in the meantime. So why do anything I don’t want?

Ironically enough, I think the reason most of my past relationships have ended sooner than they could have, and were less enjoyable than they could have been, was because I wasn’t approaching them this way. The two that I did were the only two where I wouldn’t have said that I’d lost myself.

But “fall in love”. I’m not sure about that one. I mean, clearly it is some kind of measure of degree, and even if precision is not possible, a rough estimation or comparison would be worthwhile. I was clearly “in love” on the night of my honeymoon with B. There were some times with KW that would certainly qualify.

It seems to be a particular collection of feelings and beliefs that collide and cause a feedback loop of sorts. I’m not sure if this is all of them, but a few seem to be:

• She’s awesome – I have a high degree of respect, admiration, etc.
• She’s beautiful – Aesthetically I am struck and captivated by her.
• Nothing’s in the way – Being in love is ALL we’re doing right now. We’re not worrying about bills, or playing freudian games with our mommies, or bolstering our self-esteem, we’re just here and now doing this only.
• She loves me – She’s doing the same thing at me. If it’s not reciprocal, it isn’t being in love.
• We know it, and know that we know it – That is, I know that she thinks I’m awesome; she knows that I think she’s beautiful. She knows that I know that she knows that I think she’s beautiful. Etc.

It seems like hitting this particular set of beliefs and feelings requires finding the right person, but it also requires that I be the right person. Without the right mental set, this collection is impossible. Without the right partner, it’s at least dishonest, which throws a wrench in the equation.

I’m not sure if I’m ready to fall in love yet. Though it’s intensely pleasurable and very much a desirable state, I have a lot of baggage right now. I’m burnt out on work BS, got drama with the stalker, trying to keep making friends with the ex, furnish an apartment, change the world, it’s a lot of fucking work, and it takes a toll.

Maybe falling in love will have to wait. Or maybe I’m just saying that because I really like my distraction, and by rationalizing a relationship that is not in line with my goals, I actually AM losing myself.

God damn but this is a tough nut to crack. I’ll have to revisit it later.