divorce

Where do I start? I have been married for 19 years and like any marriage there have been ups and downs, good and bad. Over the past few years though, I see I am not in love with my husband. I do love him and don’t want to hurt him, he is not a bad person, he does not hit me, and he takes care of things around the house and the cars, does not gamble or stay out all night. He puts me down often though, and he does not make me feel good about myself. I feel if I am not perfect he does not love me. If I put on 5 pounds (I’m only like 115 lbs) I get an hour conversation about losing weight, exercising, dieting what to eat, how pretty I am if I lost the weight, etc.
We have both cheated in our marriage. Him early on once, and me once 13 years ago, and one time that is current. He knows about the one from 13 years ago and it almost ended us then. This time it’s very different though, and I feel I’ve found a man that loves me for me, and I would really like to be able to give him all of me. Right now we rarely see each other, but we chat on the phone or email during the work week. I know I am in love with him and I know he is in love with me. He is everything I want my husband to be.
Meeting him has made me question everything. Did my marriage fall apart because I stopped wanting to love my husband? Was it because deep down I knew I couldn’t take anymore abuse? Was I never as in love with him as I thought I was, and just didn’t know any better? If this other man wasn’t in the back of my mind, would I love my husband more? How do I choose between a man I have known more than half my life and a man I have only known for about 4 years? I am hurting both of them, and I know making a choice is needed, but I am so scared. I don’t want to hurt either one. The only constant is, I know which one I’m in love with.
Over the past 3 years my husbands and I’s lives have changed. His position at work was cut, so he has a lesser position with less pay while at the same time I was promoted with a pay increase. I’m a much different person at work. I’m a go getter. With him though, I have always been a yes sir type of person. For different reasons he has lost contact with some of his friends over the years and I have made new friends and become more independent. I think he may be jealous and that has put a strain on the marriage. Many of my new friends are out of state and work for the same company I do. However he’s not one to want to go anywhere, so if I go and visit I always go alone. We haven’t been on a real vacation in forever, and it’s not for lack of trying.
He says I don’t make him feel loved and he is lonely when I travel. I travel a good bit, it comes in spurts but it averages out to like 7 days a month. When I’m home I’ll help him in the yard, and we’ll watch movies and tv together, but he helps me with nothing. I can watch the newspapers stack up for a week and he still won’t do anything about them. I feel like being a wife is a 2nd full time job. I still have to pay the bills, wash the clothes, clean the house and go to the grocery store. When I’m out of town, sometimes he does wash the clothes and clean the house. I hope you see the picture, I understand he is lonely when I am traveling (I am sorry my job causes me to travel) so yes, I can understand his feelings but when I get home I would like groceries in the house. Do they not allow men in the grocery store?
Our sex life? I just do it to get it over with. It’s the good wife thing to do. I don’t enjoy it with him anymore. Am I being too hard and not understanding? He says I am selfish and mean. I think he is selfish and mean. I was raised in a way that it’s my duty to keep my husband happy. Did I fail?
Over the past 6 months we have had several conversations about him being lonely and not feeling loved, every time I start to say something he tells me everything is my fault. Please someone help me…. is it my fault? We have no children, and I’ve been with him since I was a teenager. I’m afraid to leave him, because I don’t want to hurt him, but I really do want out. I want to be with someone who loves me for me. I’m afraid if I try to leave him I won’t be able to handle the emotional side of him begging me to stay. Is it wrong to fall out of love with someone?