stop my scar from holding me back

I told my four housemates (and their two girfriends). I let one of their boyfriends see, because I’m not close enough to him to care if he knows. I have been wearing no sleeves around the house. I went to Sainsburys on my own and left my cardigan at home.

Sometimes I can forget I’m not wearing sleeves around the house, but it’s not so easy when I’m out, especially on my own.

Some people come round the house who don’t know yet, and then I have to wear sleeves. Most friends outside the house don’t know either. I don’t know how to tell them. I’m not as close to them as the housies and it was hard enough with them.

I have not made as much progress on this as I’d hoped. I have had dreams while I was asleep, in which I achieved more than I have in real life. I would like to make more progress this year, though realistically, in the time, that probably won’t be much.

So, what to do? In order of least to most scary:

1. Wear no sleeves around strangers at every chance I get
2. Tackle my flatmates
3. Tackle Dad, since he already knows, just hasn’t seen? Will also require tackling my brother, who doesn’t know.
4. Tackle my uni friends (this one’s scary)
5. Tackle extended family – not sure if that is a good idea or not. Probably should ask Mum. Not sure which one is scarier, telling Mum’s side or Dad’s side. They are the people most likely to judge me.
6. Tackle my old friends (this one’s even scarier)
7. Tackle my boyfriend’s family – they do know, but have never seen it, and they are so lovely, I don’t want to upset them.
8. Tackle Grace – very nervous, since she’s young – probably mature enough, but I feel guilty.

Hmm, what would I like to have achieved by the end of the year? At least #2 I suppose, and #3 as well. #1 isn’t really an achievement, just furthering what I occasionally do already. It would be nice to do #4, but I’m not sure how. Probably best to do #2 and see how that turns out – but for #2, I might just not wear sleeves (have almost been doing that already), but I don’t think I could do that with my friends.

I’ve been thinking about getting skin camoflauge, but that seems like step back, and seems deceiving.

I’ve also been thinking about my motivations – I’m doing this for me, for selfish reasons. It isn’t because I want the people I care about to know my secret. I feel guilty about that too.

I’ve also been thinking about seeing the uni counsellor, but there are quite a few, all with different treatment approaches, and I’m not really an important / dire case.

I am thinking about telling my Mum I’m bi. I can’t imagine telling my Dad or any extended family right now, but all my old and new friends and flatmates know. I see a lot of similarities between coming out as bi and as a self harmer – but people are ‘supposed’ to accept gay people. Also, being bi (with a long term boyfriend) means it isn’t on my mind that much (since I’m “half normal”) – SI is always on my mind, and is much more personal. If someone doesn’t accept that your bi, you know that’s because they don’t agree with homosexuality, a bigger, inpersonal subject (i.e. it’s nothing personal) Self harm isn’t the same, especially because it’s not (at least it feels like it isn’t) widely talked about, and hasn’t been historically much bother.

It’s harder to tell people you know, even if you don’t know them very well; it’s much easier with strangers. That’s why I wanted to come to uni not wearing sleeves – but, since Dad helped me move in, I couldn’t.

Now, two weeks later, and I’ve barely rolled my sleeves up when washing up, and walked from the shower in only a towel, but I don’t think anyone noticed. I wouldn’t really mind what my flatmates said though, since I’m not close to them. However, I have met some friends who share some of the same interests, but the mostly seem quite conservative / “straight laced” – so telling them will be hard.

I know I should do it soon, but I’m so scared. I don’t know many people, and I’d not like the people I do to stop wanting to be around me. But I know that I can’t leave it, or I’ll be in the same position I was in at college. I’m also so scared to reveal my secret, purely for the fact that I’m revealing it, and more so than the thought of losing friends.

I wouldn’t even know how to go about it. I’ve thought of writing people letters, but that would be awkward the first face to face meeting after. Facebook would be very good, since then EVERYONE would know, and it wouldn’t be a secret from anyone – but, my cousins are on facebook, and one of whom is of an age that I would feel guilty exposing him to such things. While my other cousin isn’t so young, and him knowing wouldn’t be so bad, it would be very awkward if / when the rest of my family found out. My family is quite proper, and such a thing isn’t ever spoken of, nor do I know if they’d understand, or if they’d take it well. Probably not.

The other side of my family, well it’s much easier not to tell them. They are all quite a bit older (my dad was the youngest), so their mindset probably wouldn’t be so accepting. While I don’t feel they would be as judgemental as my Mum’s side, I can’t imagine what it would be like if any of them knew.

Of course, my worrying may be pointless, for all I know, my parents might have told them already. My Mum is more likely to have told than my Dad, I think he wants to ignore the situation. While I don’t mind them telling (it makes it easier for me), I don’t know who knows, so it doesn’t help. I’m not brave enough (at least right now) to ask.

Back to telling people at uni – for my flatmates, I think I’ll just give them opportunities to see; if they ask, I’ll be truthfull but short. Friends, I’m not really sure. A few of them do psychology with me, so they would probably be more understanding. I don’t know them that well yet, so I don’t know how they will react – perhaps I should bring up the topic of self harm, and see how they react first. I think that it might be a better idea to tell them individually, though the ‘telling’ part will be immensely difficult.

Sigh…

EDIT: I think I’d like to tell people before my birthday, since we’ll probably go out, and I’d like to wear something nice, not necessarily with a cardi for once.

I was on a dog walk with my mum recently, and I was too hot. She told me I could take my cardigan off, but I said I wasn’t that hot – I was.

I don’t even take my sleeves off when I’m on my own, and no one is going to disturb me. I don’t look at my scar. It’s not that I hate how it looks; I don’t think of it as ‘me’.

Yet, at the same time, I’m becoming more and more sloppy with keeping my sleeves low enough to hide most of my scar. It’s not a huge problem at home, but around friends, I really should be more careful.

Uni worries me too. I don’t know if I’m able to be open about it – especially since I’m doing a psychology degree. I don’t feel like a nut, but then, what if I’m deemed not of sound enough mind to be a psychologist? It makes me think I should have done biology, or environmental studies, then I wouldn’t have this problem.

I was thinking of going to the uni councellor when I get there. I thought about seeing the one at college, but I was too ashamed at the idea of someone seeing me there, and they never had any free slots. My mum once said about me seeing someone when she first found out. I didn’t think it would be worth it, since I wouldn’t know what to say, and I felt bad about taking the opportunity from someone who really needed it.

Now I feel lonely, I have no one I can talk to about it. While my boyfriend is wonderfully supportive, he doesn’t understand, and it makes him upset. My friends don’t know, and are too ‘straight laced’ for me to feel able to approach them. I wouldn’t feel able to talk to my mum about it, I would feel like I’m adding to her already large emotional burdens. I used to have a few friends who I would talk to about it, but I’ve grown away from them. I suppose I could post on a forum I’ve registered to, but I barely know it, and there are so many people that it is too… distant. All the threads wizz past too quick as they are pushed out by the new ones, and most of the people have far more to deal with than me – especially since I don’t really ‘do it’ anymore. I hope I meet some friends at uni, I seem to have run out.

I’m having trouble making the self harm ‘fit’ with me. I can’t even bring myself to think that phrase, ‘self harm’ – that is the first time in this whole entry I’ve used it. I’m not a self harmer anymore. Sometimes I have thoughts, but I don’t let myself think them, I can’t, I mustn’t – because I know if I did think, I wouldn’t know why I shouldn’t.

I used to be a bit ‘gothy’. And that was ok, it was sort of associated with those sort of things, and wearing arm warmers fitted. Now, I’m plain. I wear the same cardigan in a few different colours – at all times, with everything. People that know me, but don’t know what I do – did, wouldn’t suspect anything, it doesn’t fit.

I don’t feel much like ‘me’ anymore anyway. It reminds me of a line from Alice in Wonderland (the newest film) – “You’ve lost your much-ness.” I feel so blank. No, that’s not the right word – I used to feel blank, but that was different to this. I feel plain, dull, faded, missing something.

I’ve been being bitten by bugs a lot this summer, and earlier, I scratched my arm and thought, ‘oh god, whats that lump, that feels like a huge insect bite!’.

It was my scar.

And I did something similar last night (18th – 19th aug), wondering what it was on my arm.

I dragged my boyfriend swimming today, and we were the only people in the pool for a while. Then, my family friend and her parents got in… the ones that don’t know about my scar.

I’d even thought, ‘what if I see them’ before we went, but thought it was very unlikely.

I stayed still with my back to them going “OMG OMG OMG :( :( :(”, so we had to make a quick exit. We’d only been in the water about 10 minutes. :(

I was very disappointed – I still am. It’s only my fault, but my boyfriend has to suffer too. I feel bad about that.

Last night, I went camping with my boyfriend, two of his mates, and one of their girlfriends. I hadn’t met one of the guys, or the other guy’s girlfriend. I managed to go round for some of the evening, and all the morning, without sleeves. It wasn’t too bad, but I don’t know if anyone noticed – especially since I didn’t see much of the other couple.

Back at my boyfriend’s house, I was worried about his parents coming home and seeing my arm. They know, and apparently won’t care, but it is very difficult – especially when they see me as quite polite and well mannered. They didn’t come home while I was there, but I did feel uneasy. I think if they had come round, I would probably have sat there with it somewhat hidden and try not to draw attention to it – I might even have put a cardigan on after a while, if I got too uncomfortable.

I ended up putting my cardigan on when I left his. I told myself it was because it was getting cold, but it was really because I felt so uneasy without sleeves. I am fine with my boyfriend seeing, and I do sometimes take my cardigan off if it is just me and him – but even so, I normally wear my cardigan all the time, unless showering and sleeping. It felt very strange to not wear sleeves, as if I had forgotten a main garment (e.g. I wasn’t wearing a skirt / trousers, only my knickers!). I felt almost ‘nude’, in a way.

I was disappointed I put sleeves back on, but perhaps it was for the better – when I met my mum, my brother was there also. While he probably wouldn’t really understand the significance of my scar, he doesn’t know, nor am I ready for that – though perhaps I should have done it anyway.

Hurdles I still need to tackle – dad, brother, boyfriend’s parents, possibly the rest of boyfriend’s family, family friend and her parents, college friends.

swam (swum?) in the sea, with my boyfriend and two of his mates – this was probably a few weeks ago now. I have also been to the local swimming pool with my boyfriend and my Mum, probably in February. I have briefly walked around the shopping centre with no sleeves, cajouled by my boyfriend, and by a friend on a two seperate occasions – this was quite a while ago.

In other news, I think my scar has faded a little, but is still quite temperamental, and can be pale or dark when it feels like it.

Mum found out today. It went suprisingly well. Once dad and brother are good with it, I can start wearing short sleaves around them.

Then there’s the problem of family friends who frequently come to visit, then there’s some of my friends, people at college who would talk / insult, and then, perhaps even boyfriend’s parents!?

It’s strange not having to think about what i wear in terms of, ‘does it cover my arm?’. It’s like decency rules suddely relaxing, and being able to walk around half naked.