trust my husband

After nearly filing for divorce last year – through a rather magical series of events we reconciled. Then we began the long long and arduous journey called therapy. $90 per session once per week since last July. It’s very hard, but worthwhile.

Turns out that most of our issues have nothing to do with the two of us. Most of our issues have been with us since our early lives. It sounds pretty cliche, and at times it is hard to swallow, but it is indeed true.

We still have issues, including the issues with trust, but we are working on it. Sincerely.

Admitting failure is incredibly difficult, but somehow I feel empowered as well. It seems that the problem is him not being trustworthy. He keeps things from me and outright lies when it is to his advantage. The problem has been coming to terms with that, and the fact that no matter how much I love him I can’t change him. I have to let him go to learn his lessons elsewhere. I just added “get a divorce” to my list, so I guess I should officially give this one up. I’m very sad.

Strange how we try so hard to hang onto things that have outlived their time in our lives. I’ve spent years not being happy. This is different than being unhappy. You can become very comfortable with not being happy. That makes it very hard to decide that you are willing to do what it takes to be happy. This is the hardest thing that I have ever done in my life. Last week we decided to get a divorce. We love each other dearly and deeply. That was never the problem. We just don’t want the same things. Our dreams take us in completely opposite directions and by staying together neither one of us can carry them out. We’ve spent years waiting for the other person to change and meet our needs. We’ve been waiting for the other person to want what we want. Admitting all of this is incredibly difficult. It’s a decade out of both our lives.

We are both trying to be as kind to one another as possible. Since we stopped expecting anything from one another we’ve started getting along remarkably well. I hope that it will last and that we will be able to stay close friends throughout this. I don’t want him out of my life. I just can’t link my future to his. I want to be happy. I want him to be happy. I just don’t see any way that we can do that together.

we’ve been working on this for months. actually working on it. the problem has existed far longer. working on it for nearly a year since he told the BIG lie…

i don’t know if we are getting anywhere. i don’t know that he will ever stop lying. even if he did i don’t know that i would believe him even if he were telling the truth.

i love him, though. so i’m still here. for now.