nothing

everyone wants to feel good loved accepted 4 who they are. no one gets it.ive felt horrible and been wanting to kill myself since i was 13 idk wats kept me here. i have had multiple failed attempts from cutting to drinking to drugs to drowning etc. each time ive always been saved at the nick of time, why? idk. i suffer from severe depression and att one point when i was ploting weekly i finally got meds and a doctor. now that im just above a minor no one thinks i matter. im on no meds and im resorting to just writing and hoping for someone anyone to even pretend they care. the tourment started as a kid my own family saying how ugly and dumb i am. i could go on 4 ever about wat got me to this point but the worst part is i got better for a moment and the same man that made all my pain go far away somewhere made it come back ten fold.what more could a man want besides love hot meals clean house and well taken care of kids. no cheating at all at least not on my part idk wat he does anymore. i am not good enough anymore i sopose.i want to die sooo bad, i just wish i had something anything that would help so i wouldnt be such a chicken like pills or something. alot of people say ‘o just do it’ if it was that simple do u really think id be wasting time even writng this? no. i havent gone to a movie or bowling or out with a friend in almost a year. i stay home alone every single day trapped. i havent been away from my kid in almost a yr do u know what that does to a person? to never ever get a break and have a sitter> it makes u lose ur mind.get up clean take care of kid clean cook kid clean kid nothing esle day in day out. im only 20 but if i have to live like a chained up dog id rather die.i have 2 friends no family in this entire state.its prison without crime.each morning i hate that i wake each night i wish it to be my last.if only there were a way to show my heart and how broken it is….if someone gave me a siodine pill or hpwever u spell it id take it the day i give birth. they would both be to young to remember me at all so it would be ok. and my husband can finally get someone new better looking and hey the world will keep spinning. now i just need that pill or that extra push to do it