Listen, I mean really listen to people when they talk

was a good day for that.

I was feeling good and there was nothing urgent on my mind, and my communications were all easily taken care of.

last night when my sister called.

I shouldn’t have answered the phone. I thought it was important, but she just wanted to talk and talk and I was trying to leave the house.

Next time I’ll ask to call her back.

At work was alright today.

special effort this week.

Especially at work, as it’s my last week there.

(let’s see if I notice any marked changes)

Could not keep any attention in church today.

But I think that’d cos’ the speakers were echoing everything the priest said so I couldn’t hear anything. Bah. Better luck next time…

At the elder home, it was pretty easy to listen. I was also there just an hour. And it was one to one conversation with one of the residents, and you could tell he had something he needed to say, to someone, anyone. I was also there just an hour, my threshold time.

At the group home, it was even easier to listen. Most of the time. When I was playing ping pong, most of my focus went to that, so I wasn’t really able to watch the other’s reactions, nor able to pay full attention to what they were saying. My retention rate for things said during that much lower than the one-to-one afterwards. There weren’t really distractions, nor were there any restraints on time for most of it. I was actively engaged, and I think that makes a difference- it was an actual conversation.

Also, paying more attention to how I deal with conflicts, and even more so, how others deal with conflicts.

was pretty good today

Though I did have a little trouble listening when I didn’t understand the accent.

It’s easier to remember what people say if I take notes during or after the conversation (there isn’t always that option).

Listening was good today.

Towards the end of the day I was tired though. Listening was still good, but responding could’ve used improvement.

Women of the World class
Last week we got our midterms back, and the professors (because they like to give feedback) wrote lots of comments. One of theirs to me was encouraging me to speak up more in class, especially because of my social justice background.

So when I was reading the documents for class (and there was a lot of them) (read: too many), I wrote plenty of notes and questions in the margins (read: active reading) so I would understand better and be prepped for class. In class, I was active and contributed a lot on many of the documents and things we talked about (read: I didn’t talk too much, but more than many). Because I was actively involved, it was easier to keep my focus and I think I only drifted off for a few minutes in the whole 2.25 hours. I was also interested. I’ll try this approach again next time. (The only problem is that it takes more time to prep for the class, and time is a limited resource for me).

Piano class
Not amazing, but much improved. Even though I was so tired, I was able to keep my attention on the class and be actively involved (read: I wasn’t participating because it’s not a discussion based class, but I was playing on the keyboard when prompted). Key things to note here- I think my attention would be greater if the prof did invite discussion (and maybe it wasn’t at 8:30); also a change in attitude towards the class, for the better.

Criminal Thinking class
Although I wasn’t actively participating (verbally; I was non-verbally), my attention was very good and only waned for a sentence or so in the hour I was there. Key, interest in what the people are saying- genuine interest; connection to the people speaking.

My attention was shot last week in piano class, and in my womenoftheworld class. Piano is just way too early for functioning, and the prof goes much faster than I can keep up with so I get frustrated and it puts me back. Womenoftheworld, that’s mostly just a long long class. It’s so interesting, what we learn, but so long.

My attention at Almost Home was optimum. Also, ping pong requires attention, especially intense ping pong. ;)

The 10 Step Program to Becoming A Better Listener
from Dumb Little Man – Tips for Life by Jay White
I once had a professor who had opportunities to meet and work with others who were masters of their trade. He said that after working with top architects, directors, and business executives, he realized one common trait.

When you spoke, they listened. Not only did they hear, but they also listened. In my professor’s words “Whatever problem you had, became their problem. Nothing was more interesting to them than your words at that moment.”

A good listener is not only someone that people want to be around, to confide in, to trust, but someone who knows how to use listening to benefit him- or her-self. The good listener knows that a good conversation is definitely two-sided, but one learns through listening.

Here are 10 tips to be a better listener:

1. Be Legitimately Interested: As mentioned above, be interested. Drop whatever you were doing and focus. Stop focusing on the email you were writing or the article you were reading and really listen. Put yourself in the speaker’s place and make his or her problems your own. The speaker will consciously or subconsciously pick up on this and you will learn more from the conversation.

2. Avoid Planning Counterarguments: It is a natural response to automatically start planning a counterargument as soon as something is mentioned. As hard as it may seem, don’t. Mentally record your disagreement and formulate a response later after the whole message has been received.

3. Be Honest About Your Time: If you really are in the middle of something important, tell the speaker. Apologize and plan for another meeting where you can ensure your full attention and focus. This will let the speaker know that you appreciate their coming to you and you want to give them your full concentration. It’s much better than lending half-an-ear and not listening well.

4. Accept the Speaker’s Point-Of-View: At least until he or she is done speaking. Some of us have the desire to get our point across and a word in for every sentence spoken. Even if you disagree with the speaker’s stance on a subject, allow him or her to finish their thought before voicing your disagreement and then only if necessary. Remember, you are trying to be a listener, not partake in a discussion.

5. Use Body Language, Eye Contact, and Repetition: Using body language and eye contact the right way can really have an impact on the speaker. To show you are listening and interested, lean slightly forward in your chair. Not so much that your elbows are on your knees, but enough so you aren’t reclined back on your chair. Make consistent eye contact, but do not stare. Make noises like “mm-hmm,” or say “I see,” and frequently repeat what was just said. These actions show that you are interested and actively listening.

6. Go Beyond the Words: Good listeners are actively thinking not just about what was said but also why and how it was said. Why did this person come to you to talk (or be heard). Is there excitement in their voice? Resentment? Jealously? Once you determine the motive of the speaker, can you react more smoothly to their words.

7. Get Rid of Distractions: Just by slightly closing a door or turning off your monitor you can portray to the speaker that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say. Focus.

8. Be Aware of Your History with the Speaker: As a corollary to tip 5, think about how your history with the speaker may affect what is being said. Is there potential for flared feelings? Sympathy? Fear? Figuring this out will help you better understand the speaker’s motives and, thus, respond accordingly.

9. Ask Questions: If there is something said that is not clear to you, ask for clarification. Be careful not to use questions to rebut or represent your point-of-view. Only ask questions that’ll help your understanding of what the speaker is saying.

10. Watch and Learn from the “Good Listener”: We all know one or two “Good Listeners”. Next time you are speaking to them, really pay attention to what they do. One can read a ton of articles and not learn as much as they would from actively watching a good listener in action.

Being a good listener is an invaluable ability and sure to make you happier and more productive in your life. Try these tips out and good luck!

Written by Tim Bridge of PersonaDev.com.