be more open

feel so confined sometimes

and I hate that feeling.

It makes me want to run. Far away. And immediately.

I never physically run….. but mentally I distance.
I just need my space. Where I can feel free. And not be bothered.

I feel pressure to figure out what to do after graduation. There are so many opportunities and I can see myself at each of them, and I feel like I need to choose, but I just don’t know which one to go after.

I feel satisfied when my full concentration is on one task.

I feel relaxed not to have tests, papers, meetings, or classes for a month.

I’m feeling overwhelmingly sad right now. I feel afraid to get attached to things and people and sometimes I don’t because of how vulnerable it leaves me. I got attached to something recently and I think I’m losing it now, and it’s really hurting. I feel terrible for being persistent, and guilty for feeling terrible because I don’t think I did anything wrong and I don’t need to feel that way. I think the stress of school and car troubles is getting to me, because I don’t usually feel this depressed and lost. I know I’ll make it through finals and things will be fine.

I needed a pick-me-up… and I found one in the same place it’s always been: http://www.candidcamera.com/dailyMovie.php.

I feel satisfied with life when I am living in accordance with my beliefs, when my actions hold meaning, when I take the time to walk slowly in the rain, when I am able to express myself creatively through photography, coloring, drawing, and words.

It really helps to get all this out

even if it’s just a blog and not to a person

I know it helps me. I feel better after writing these entries.

It weighs on my soul when I hold it in. Dragging me down….

I’m tired of holding my tongue when I have something to say and it may not be exactly what people want to hear. If I have a comment, I’m going to say it. I will not be silent.
I’m tired of people telling me they’re going to do something and then not. I get my hopes up. I believe that they will. And then they let me down. Maybe it’s time to hold certain people accountable?

I have to admit, though, I do feel better after sending an e-mail to my group about the low attendance at meetings (I was the only person at the last meeting, out of a possible 163) and how I felt overwhelmed with all the work that needed to be done that I was stuck preparing because no one else would show up. I feel better and maybe I’ll feel even better after getting a response or two?

If something’s bothering me, if something’s eating at me, I really have to let it out. I have to tell someone. I feel so dishonest keeping it in. Like I’m not showing the real me… and what does that make me, but not genuine? I can’t let that go on.

So there’s this group that I’m in.. and that I was one of the founders for and grew to be a facilitator of- I really just do whatever no one else picks up. Lately, that’s been an awful lot. People haven’t been coming to meetings and there’s this big event that they were pushing for earlier in the semester that we’ve been planning for- but the past few meetings- I’ve been the ONLY person at the planning meetings for it. I can’t let that go on. That makes me really disheartened, really sad. I can’t do this alone and I feel like I am alone now with it. Where is everyone? I think I need to engage the others in dialogue and talk about what we can do to facilitate things- what would make them want to come to meetings, how we can meet each other half way- just figure out what is wrong, because I’m tired of this and it’s wearing me out.

I feel like I haven’t been as open lately as I would have liked to be. It’s hard sometimes when my shyness catches up to me. But I really want to do this. JUST HOW???

More I-statements?

I feel frustrated when people are disrespectful of others’ lifestyles that may be a little different than their own. Especially when they try to convert them.

I feel overwhelmed when I study the wrong chapter for a test I have, and realize it almost too late.

I get upset about policies at my school that discriminate against certain minorities.

I think its time to be more vocal. More expressive. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have the vocabulary for expressing myself accurately. I have difficulty finding the right words. ..maybe it will come in time?

So what’s stopping me?

Well. Fearing that people might not listen or care. Having trouble finding the words to express my feelings. Not being in environments that foster that sort of communication.

Okay, well, none of those are overwhelmingly horrible. I know I have friends who care, who will actually listen. I can change my environment. And I can cultivate ways of expressing myself, which may take time, but- I’m sure it’s worth it.

Good. Plan=Good.