Recover from my love addiction

Sucks. I haven’t been doing well. Up and down. I need to stop talking to him.

I went back to him. (Temporarily)

Yes, I know I deserve better. Yes, I believe I will one day find better. I feel guilty for going back to him. I’m trying to be conscious that relapse is part of recovery, and I am recovering. I’m not going to beat myself up about it. Each time I go back to him, I yell at myself for knowing better. One of these days the therapy and book advice will click, and I won’t go when he calls. I won’t start the cycle all over again. I’ll use new behaviors in place of the old ones. I need to try and remember that just because I’ve gone back to him again, not all is lost. I don’t have to start all over again. I’m wiser each time. I learn more about why each time. I’m more aware of what I’m doing each time. I’m moving slowly, but I’m moving.

I’m not sure I’m doing well with this or not. I’m not dating any love addicts, but I’m also still talking to Brandon. I’m not sure if I’m not dating anyone because I’ve grown, and no longer need to seek out unhealthy relationships, or if it’s because I’m still hung up on Brandon. The thing is, I’m not even sure I’m hung up on Brandon. We’ve moved to a stage we call “friends”. We talk when we’re both online, we tell each other about our day. It’s like when we were dating, except there’s no physical aspect, and we don’t talk quite as much. I’m just not sure if it’s good for me or bad for me. It’s unhealthy if it’s preventing me from doing the things I’d normally do in my life – but it’s not. I’m not sure if it affects me much at all. I just don’t know what to do.

He’s been calling me. I’ve been talking to him on the phone, fueling the fire. I don’t want to fall in “love” (addiction) with him again. It hurts too much. I don’t know how to get out, other than putting my faith in and drawing my strength from God. So, I guess my prayer is that God will help me excommunicate myself from him. The problem is that I’m not sure if that’s what I’m supposed to do. Maybe I’m meant to help him. I don’t know if I’m supposed to be his friend, or it I’m just not listening to God because what I want is to be his friend. I don’t know. Pray for me.

If I were and Alcoholic instead of a Love Addict, I’d be getting my 30 day chip. Working on 60 days.

Okay, I DO have a problem. I love people who are emotionally unavailable. My current love addiction is a father-to-be. It KILLS me. He was my boyfriend for 3 years. I thought I would be the mother of his children. I need to let go.

Arrest all addictions:
1) The love addiction of the Love Addict
2) The addiction(s) of the Love Avoidant
3) The co-addicted relationship itself
4) The other addictions possible used at times by the Love Addict to medicate the pain of love addiction.

To do this I must:
1) Confront the Addiction Within Myself (Check)
2) Examine the Harmful Consequences of the Addiction (Check)
3) Intervene on the Addictive Cycle (Ex: stop chasing somebody who doesn’t want to be with you, stop having sex with inappropriate people, stop drinking, stop overeating – working on it)
4) Experience Withdrawal (Oh, the PAIN!)

I’m a love addict. I choose partners who are love avoidants. I want to break this cycle.