keep my house clean

F is the only cleaning lady I cn bear to have see my house when it is at its worst. As my depression took over my life, my house started to shout to the world that something was wrong. She doesn’t judge, she lets me talk and just sweeps all the sh** into a pile, sorts keep from toss and moves on. 6 hours later, my house is no longer a hazardous waste zone. Truthfully, she is not the best housekeeper, but I am not at the stage where I need someone good – I just need someone helpful and positive. Thank you, F.

This actually works, and I will start following the baby step principles today. I need to get my mind under my control – ight now, I have no ontrol, I make no decisions, I simply fall into the usual mess and then scramble around like a . . . well, almost exactly like a crack addict. I behave like a drug addict. Somehing to think about, right there.

My thought processes are so messed up, I don’t behave in any predictable way, in any sensible way. I need my fix, of the internet or music or time alone or tv or attention, and if I don’t get it, I am unbearable. And all the while, nothing gets done.

By the way, this counts as something. I avoid this place like the plague, because it makes me look at myself and all I see is FAIL. The fact that I am here today making these entries is a sign of effort on my part to grow and change. Every time I make it here and honestly evaluate myself, I am taking another step in the right direction. And considering the fact that I often have nothing good to report, this is actually a good day. So, I am going to take this confidence into my kitchen, and try to get some dishes washed.

I have finally realised that I have to pace myself. I make to do lists that don’t take into account the fact that my body needs rest. My depression makes it hard for me to motivate myself, and I need to give myself time to recharge between tasks.

And everything I do counts toward my daily total. Even if it it is done before 6 am and I go back to bed. It all counts.

I’ve started, finally. And the steps are very very tiny. But they are steps forward.

who wants to do this because it will make life less complicated.

Learning to pick up after myself and look after my OWN home is an important physical step towards emotional maturity. I don’t have to do this, no one is forcing me, there is no compulsion behind it. It is my decision to work towards achieving this goal. At no time will I make this a ‘must’, because that will add stress that I can’t bear and don’t want to deal with.