Daily: Reflect on at least 5 things for which I'm grateful (Happiness Manifesto #2)

1. I am back in counselling.
2. I can talk to my husband about anything.
3. My supervisor understands struggle. She might not get a lot of stuff, but struggle she can empathize with.
4. My family life is good.
5. I finally feel strong enough to come back to 43T and look myself in the eye. I have been hiding, lurking in the hedges like something that fears the light. It was too hard, too much, too painful, but I am trying to engage the world again.

1. I had an amazing vacation with my family. We stayed with friends who have four kids, and my son had a wonderful time with them.

2. My husband started his new job yesterday. He should enjoy it more than his last job, and the pay is better.

3. My relationship with my husband continues to improve.

4. I continue to grow as a person. I was met with criticism of my work on my first day back from leave, and although I couldn’t stop my automatic response (a bad tummyache) I was able to pull it together and handle it. And have a moderately productive day.

5. I have been given another opportunity to develop a friendship with an amazing woman. I was not capable of friendship before, but I intend to make the most of it this time around.

1. My son is happy and healthy. He enjoys himself playing in my office, even if the noise he makes is not appropriate for the work environment.

2. My son gets two days off from school. He needs the time off.

3. I know I have the ability to do this job. Even when it seems hard, like it does today.

4. The three days I worked late made a difference.

5. I am physically healthy.

1. My husband and I are reconnecting.

2. My son is a precious, precocious little baggage.

3. My mother lives around the corner and doesn’t really mind giving me lifts.

4. People on this site read my entries and comment and cheer me on. It really, really helps.

5. The future is not as bleak as it seemed 2 months ago. I have only ever thought about suicide twice, but I was scared that I was going to give up and just let everything slide the way I have done on previous occasions. I was Sisyphus toiling up the thrice-damned hill, barely putting one foot in front of the other, knowing that all my efforts were for nought.

1. I am happier than I have been – ever – right now. Even though I am behind at work. Even though my home is a pit because I haven’t been able to do housework for ages.

2. My husband and I played and laughed and kissed last night. At midnight. When we were both tired. Usually, I would have started an unpleasant row so we could both be miserable as usual.

3. I worked late last night and got some backlog cleared – small steps.

4. I am working late again tonight. Small steps.

5. My mother and youngest sister are picking me up tonight. We laughed so much last night, and I am looking forward to more of the same.

1. It is Friday.

2. It is after 4. Officially, the workday is over.

3. My husband keeps our son at his office on Friday afternoons.

4. I know that if I do a little bit at a time, I will get through what I need to do.

5. I have a weekend to make some steps towards sorting out my life. I feel bad because I accomplished very little this week at the office, and I carry all the work home with ridiculous expectations. It is not rational to think that I can solve all my problems in two days. I start every weekend with that thought, and end up frozen foetal in bed with anxiety. So this weekend, I am doing one thing at a time, in 15 minute increments (5 minutes if necessary!) just so long as I do something. TO PRODUCTIVITY! YEAH!

1. I saw a bird sitting on a fencepost this morning. I was feeling anxious about work, and worrying about my relationship with God at the same time (multitasking!) and the bird just sitting there, clearly not worried about a damn thing reminded me of that passage from the Bible – and I paraphrase – if the flowers and the birds are cared for by God, so they don’t need to worry, we should have complete faith in God because we are more to him than the flowers and the birds. I want to believe this.

2. I was tired this morning. It reminds me that I need to take care of myself.

3. I was late this morning, AGAIN. It reminds me of the importance of organization at home, and I am happy to say that I am not depressed or despairing about it. I just know I need to work harder at being on time.

4. I found my son’s other clean sock.

5. My husband convinced me to get the following items (at different times) although they cost more than I flet we could afford: the washing machine, the water tank, and the garbage bin by the gate.

1. My husband got the job he wanted. He will make more money, which is good, and he will be doing what he enjoys, which is better.

2. My supervisor is watching cricket. Which means she isn’t here.

3. I am trying to focus, to get in the flow of work. Success is limited, but I give myself points for effort.

4. I am not overwhelmed and panicky. I never got used to feeling that way, even though I felt like that most of the time.

5. I am taking the days one at a time. Today is one day, and I am dealing with it.

1. I survived the weekend

2. I can always see my doctor the same day

3. I am getting treatment, so there is someone I can talk to

4. I know I can feel better than this, so I am not just accepting it. I am doing something about it

5. I don’t work in customer service. Or marketing. Or public relations.

1. My son’s faith in God is so uncomplicated, and so genuine. It reminds me to keep my existential crisis to myself.

2. It is Friday, and tomorrow is Saturday.

3. I was not yelled at or berated during the meeting yesterday. It is a small but meaningful thing. My boss has been yelling a lot lately.

4. It is Friday.

5. It is Friday.