write my mother's life story

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.”
- Kierkegaard

and it is quite strange that after 39 years I now am able to actually look at things that were just a “no-go” area previously.

If i do nothing else in what is left of my life I hope that i can finally look the loss of my mother in the face, just that.
Everything else in my life that I may attribute to this loss or to other things, is separate.

What I need to do is examine her life and death.

She has been with me in everything I do. All I am has been shaped by her death, and now I need to let that go in a loving way. Not in the way i have let go previously…which was a dismissing of her death as something matter-of-fact. Whilst it is still that…matter-of-fact it is also something that needs to be looked at.

Only now that I am strong enough can I do that.

I have had to edit this several times as i cannot remember how long it is since I lost my mother.

Now I am going to let it take shape – though it won’t really be a life story – I don’t have much information – it will be a fiction but about her and me and our family. Just for me, no-one else. I think it will be a work of joy and not one of hopelessness.

I am thinking about my Mother as it is an anniversary day.
Maybe today I will start writing? It would be a good day to start.

the other day. I have to talk to a few people this week if possible. “There is no time like the present” someone said once somewhere. Am I brave enough to ring my aunties today and arrange to go over to see them this week? i feel a bit bad as we never see them and it’s kind of like…”Hey how are you? I need something from you so that’s why I am ringing!” I suppose it all works both ways in life. As a child they rarely made the effort to see me and keep in touch so I guess i shouldn’t feel guilty now….or should I? Arrghhh!

I have often thought about doing this but it would have to be fiction as I don’t know enough to show the truth. It would be my take on her life.