finish my dissertation

After I switched chairs, it left me needing one more person from the department on my committee. The committee is a big deal and it matters for the job market who you have on yours. I will not have an African American lit specialist on mine for a variety of reasons, so it was essential that I at least get someone else from my period. I e-mailed the professor that I really wanted, and she finally agreed to be on my committee. I am really excited about this, and I finally feel like I have a committee that wants me to graduate and believes in me. She has already given me a lot of great advice on how to better structure the project so that I can get done faster. She also had some reading suggestions for me that look like they will be really helpful. I got one of the books in the mail today, but I just can’t bring myself to spend my spring break reading a philosophical discussion on the nature of torture. So, next week that will be on my plate.

The even better news is that I figured out my finances last week, and I don’t have to work this summer. I usually teach a six week course in the summer that pays really well and is really rewarding from a teacherly standpoint, but it sucks up so damn much of my time. Well, this summer I can instead focus my energy on writing. I think that if I set a daily routine, I can get at least 75 pages written, maybe even a little more. Outside of a trip to Winnipeg to visit my favourite Canadian and hopefully her coming here for a visit, I plan on focusing on getting my dissertation close to finished and this damn albatross from around my neck. I will be on the job market in December, and I will be graduating next May. No more excuses, no roadblocks, no more bullshit. The opportunity is there waiting for me to grab it. Now, it is up to me. I’m thrilled and terrified all at the same time.

My next bit of news involves my dissertation. If you remember, in a previous entry I wrote about how my director kept throwing up roadblocks and was impeding my progress. I’d write 50 pages, he’d read 5 and reject them out of hand. I’d come up with a way to get myself unstuck and move forward. He’d reject my idea without giving it a chance. I’d talk to him about wanting to graduate with a dissertation that would make me competitive on the job market. He’d tell me that he could care less if I got a job. That sort of thing. I never once had a meeting with him where I did more than 10% of the talking. I knew I needed to get rid of him and that keeping him as my director was bad for me, but I was scared of hurting his feelings and of there not being anybody else to take his place. My fear of the unknown was keeping me chained to a known that was bad for me and my future.

Well, I finally got up the courage to do something about it. I went to our Director of Graduate studies and told him everything about how my progress was being impeded and how I was not receiving the type of support I deserved. Then, I did something I am often not very good at. I asked for help. He agreed to help me anyway he could and was quite alarmed at how poorly I had been treated.

Not only did I get a new director, but I got the one that I really wanted. My new director is not only one of the top scholars in the country and someone with limitless connections that he’s willing to use for me, but he loves my work and wants to help me graduate quickly and land the type of job that I am looking for. The change is official and has been formally made. He has already done more to help me than my previous director did in the last 3 years.

I am thrilled to finally have the type of support on my project that I need, but I am proud of myself for a different reason. My relationship with my previous director is typical of me. Someone treats me poorly, doesn’t value me, or fails to provide whatever I need out of that particular relationship, and I both let them and stick around because I scare myself into inactivity and believe that I am getting what I deserve. I finally stood up for myself and got rid of a negative force in my life without other people pushing me. More importantly, I did it because I valued myself enough to believe that I deserved better. This is indeed a major change for me for a whole lot of reasons.

I started to wear down a bit today, but I still managed to produce another 11 pages, bringing my four day, and final, total up to 52 pages. The chapter is still not finsihed, as it is a beast that cannot be fed, but I am elated at the sheer number of pages I produced this week. I think that I can now enjoy my holiday guilt free, or at least until one of relatives asks “so why aren’t you finished with your report yet.” I am also quite exhausted, both mentally and physically. I have tendinitis in both arms, so my hands are killing me. Fear not Liz, I will be posting my next nerd story before bed.

Today, I managed to write 14 and a half more pages, bringing my 3 day total up to 41. My goal for the whole week when I signed up to do this was 40 pages, so I’m excited about meeting my goal already. I feel so relieved at how productive I’ve been. Tomorrow is the last day. I want to write at least 10 more pages, so that I can exclipse 50 for the week. I think this would be awesome.

Today, I managed to write another 13 pages, bringing my total for the week up to 26 and a half pages. I feel so virtuous that I believe I will go to the movies tonight and watch Will Smith shoot some vampires.

I think I made good progress today. In the 6 hours I was there, I wrote 13 and a half pages. Then, I came home and read a book that I’ve been needing to read that finally came in the mail today. For the first time in I don’t know how long, I am fully satisified with what I accomplished on my dissertation today. I just hope I can keep it going tomorrow.

No, not that kind of boot camp. I’m going to dissertation boot camp. At the end of each semester, UK’s graduate school offers a four day program called “Dissertation Boot Camp.” Basically, they leave you with no choice but to write for 6 hours a day for four days. From what I can tell, I basically signed up to spend four days in Study Hall with a teacher who won’t let me work in a group or talk to my neighbor, but anything that keeps me focused enough to get something accompished is OK with me. So, while I don’t think I’ll be climbing over obstacles, doing one finger push ups, or chanting things like “One, two, three, four. I will write some more,” I do think that it will be slightly more intense than sitting in my office trying to write and play on the internet. However, I am sure that my director will be firing bullets of another kind at me once he reads what I write. My hope is that I will be able to write at least 40 pages next week, which should be most, if not all, of the chapter that I’ve been researching. This chapter is the key to the whole project, and I really think it will be publishable when I’m done with it, so I need to get it done ASAP. If I can do that, I should be over halfway finsihed with the whole project. My next big step will come in January.

Note to Liz: just remember you’ve agreed to a “Who’s the Biggest Nerd” contest with a guy who signed up to spend the first week of his Christmas break wriitng 40 pages :)

I finished the Foucault book that I wanted to finish. That means 75 pages read today plus making the schedule for the final unit for my class, putting together two handouts to help them with their 10 page essays, conferencing with 4 students, and teaching twice. I know I should be happy with that, since that’s what I set out to do today and Monday’s are usually unproductive for me, but for some reason I’m not. It just seems like I left something out or could’ve done something else. However, I think if I get the next Foucault book read by Sunday night (300 pages), plus meeting all of my teaching obligations, I will be satisfied with my week. That seems like a reasonable amount to expect of myself.

I read a Theodore Dreiser short story, a Stephen Crane novella, and 100 pages of Foucault. In the case of the Dreiser story, I had been looking for it for about 3 months and a new girl in my department found it for me. Even better, it’s going to be as helpful to the chapter I’m working on as I thought it was. The Crane book was interesting, but mostly unhelpful. As for Foucault, I’m using four of his books as the theoretical framework for the whole project. I know 100 pages doesn’t seem like a lot, but that’s about all I think most people can take of him in a single sitting. I wish I read French well enough to read him in the original, but Fanon is about as high as my French reading skills get. So, all in all about 200 pages read today, that’s acceptable for a Sunday. Now, I just need to finish this Foucault book tomorrow night and keep the progress going.

OK, so this entry is about 3 months overdue, if not longer. My dissertation has been as frustrating a process as you can imagine. That said, the last three months almost broke me.

At the end of July, I was almost 75% done. I discovered a book that essentially made the same arguments as I am making, only it was written 20 years ago. I don’t have to start over, but I’m back to being at best 25% done and I lose roughly 100 pages of work.
As I explore the book, I find enough information that suggests one of my former advisors didn’t tell me about the book and it wasn’t an accident. Everybody I show it to agrees with me. There’s more than this that I discover I can’t go into more detail here, but let’s just say I felt betrayed by somebody who I had previously considered my mentor, my support center, and my friend.

At the end of September, I meet with a new member of my committee, and he gives me a miracle suggestion that gets me out of my academic fog, has me motivated to get back to work, and even promises to bring me a publication. He tells me to clear it with one person, but assures me that it will be no problem. I smile genuinely for the first time in two months.

Three days later, the idea is rejected. I am literally back at the beginning a year and a half after I should have graduated.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have made some definitve moves, including starting work on the chapter I was told no on. If I don’t write it I’ll never finish. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but it’s my project and it’s time for me to act like it. I will have a 40 page chapter researched and written before Christmas. No or else. I just will.

The hardest part has been disappointing my parents time and again. They’d never blame me, and I know this isn’t my fault, but it still feels like it. They want two things out of life: me to get my Ph.D. and me to give them a grandchild. I feel like I owe it to them to provide one of the two in the next year, no matter what the sacrifice on my part, no matter how many hours I have to work in a day. I want the degree for me, but I also want it for them and for all the sacrifices they have made for me.