be a zombie in a George Romero film

Normally, there’s only one good zombie movie a year, if that. However, a mere two weeks after I got to go see Diary of the Dead, the movie that has the opportunity to be the greatest zombie movie in the history of zombie movies is opening here in Lexington this weekend. In fact, this film has the potential to be the one zombie movie that Unc wants to see, too, or at least understands why I want to see it. The name of this masterpiece? Zombie Strippers

As if it really matters, the plot of this masterpiece centers on a stripclub owned by Robert Englund (Yes, Freddy Krueger) in Sartre, Nebraska, which features Jenna Jameson, Roxy Saint, and a whole host of other porn stars as its dancers. One of the strippers gets infected by some government chemical spill, and good old Bob decides to exploit her as a new fetish. The other girls get infected, and the obvious chao ensues.

I can’t wait to see this. I love movies that are so trashy that they aren’t afraid to be upfront about it. I mean I have Creature from the Hillbilly Lagoon in my Netflix Queue for goodness sake. It won’t be the legitimate film masterpiece that the Romero films are, but this movie has the chance to replace Redneck Zombies has the best trashy zombie movie that I have ever seen.

I’m going to see Diary of the Dead, the most recent of geroge Romero’s zombie films tonight. I’ve been waiting for it to get to Lex for almost 2 months, and I finally get to go see it. It will also be the first George Romer film that I’ve been able to see in the theater. Even though it marks me as a nerd in many of the worst possible ways, I can’t help being utterly excited.

I know that for many of you this goal seems strange or even a bit silly, but this is something that I really want to do. I started watching George Romero’s movies about three years ago and ever since then have wanted to be a zombie in one of his “Dead” movies. Yes, I know he doesn’t actually call them zombies, but still, it sounds better than saying I want to be a stench or a thing. I also know that if I ever get to do this that I want my zombie to die by being decapitated, so that hopefully I could take my head home with me.

For a long time, I thought this would just be one of those goals that just sat there and declared to people that I really like Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, etc. However, there is actually a small chance to make this happen. Romero has recently begun filming his next Dead movie in Toronto, and I am trying to figure out how to make this happen. On the off chance that I do, I have figured out some options for my character:

1. CEO Zombie: I would wear a 3 piece suit and do a zombie version of a power walk while talking on my cell.

2. Red Cross worker zombie: This just strikes me as too funny for words. A zombie working at a blood bank? That is comedy gold

3. Disseration Writing Zombie: This seems to make the most sense, but I’m not sure how to signify that particular character.

4. Fast food eating Zombie: I can just see a fat zombie waddling after people with a McDonalds or Taco Bell bag in his hand.

Whatever I go with, the walk is the most important thing. This may be the one thing that I ever do in life where my bad knees are actually an advantage. Except for choice 1, I would pattern my walk as a slightly customized version of David Emge’s zombie walk from the original Dawn of the Dead (seen above).

Anyway, if I put this much time and effort into planning my dissertation, then maybe I would have a degree by now. That said, if I can actually find a way to get me doing my zombie walk to George Romero, then maybe, just maybe, all of you will be able to saunter down to your local cinema and see me get my head cut off. Although, come to think of it, having my head explode would be pretty cool, too.

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