live without regret

where this fits really, but I feel so torn. I keep swaying back and forth from opening up and making myself vulnerable (whenever I have profound thoughts about life being short and regretting things you didn’t say/do to/for people in your life that are important to you and could be gone tomorrow – scary thought) and holding back (when I think about certain aspects of some relationships and myself that make me snap into a reserved, insecure, careful mode that make me want to distance myself or close myself off – protect myself from some feelings). The first part is what drives me to making that phonecall in the first place, the thought of God forbid, something happening to him and the unbearable grief I’d feel, the regret, missed chances just to hear his voice and talk about little things…but the second part eats me up after I hang up the phone…the doubts flood in, I start analysing how I might have been perceived, what sign me calling him gave…did I give myself away that I was unsure, that my heart was pounding out of my chest, that I needed time to fill the spaces in the conversation because I was nervous but that I was desperate for there not to be any awkward silences because I didn’t want to seem like I cared too much, like I wasn’t casual and confident. It’s getting to me now and I feel frustration, irritation and regret calling. But at the same time, it was nice to hear his voice, when he got a word in edgewise.
It bothers me so much that I just can’t let it go… that it’s so hard for me to just let it be…it was just a phone call,talked about random things but for me it feels like it represents so much more and somehow I find a way to make it about my “inadequacy” or moment of “weakness” that I shouldn’t have shown. I got that giddiness in my voice that I usually would get when I spoke to him, I got tongue-tied like I did in the beginning, I was quiet in the spaces between, I got quiet and pensive when I knew the conversation was coming to an end, as I used to… I feel like I blew my cover of being cool and relaxed, unphased and unaffected by the fact that as of late all my feelings for him have resurfaced…KNOWING that his have too, and feeling extremely confused by it all at the moment. I’ll be seeing him soon…after a long time and I don’t trust myself. I can barely control my expression on the phone – I won’t be able to be indifferent when I see him and that is really making me uneasy.

...are the risks we didn’t take.
Someone special made a poster for me with this quote and this has since been something I have tried to keep in mind and use in life…because I really don’t want to wake up and look back one day, only to realise I missed out on great opportunities and ended up sitting on the sidelines of my own life because I was too afraid to seize the moment, caught up in rationalisations (sometimes warped by my often negative perception of myself). I still feel like I live so much of my life in regret… This is a major goal for me and not an easy one to achieve. There are so many things linked to it – aspects of my personality and childhood experiences growing up that cause me to hinder myself and hold back from doing/being what/who I want to be. I still haven’t let go of so many thing’s I could have/should have done (differently) in the past and unfortunately, I am still weak in many situations, so I keep adding to the list and feel like my days are only half-lived, because I don’t allow myself to do what my heart wants me to do…