Live my life with arms wide open

I went to bed last night feeling downtrodden and lonely. I’m not sure why, given that I am so well and abundantly loved. Perhaps I was just feeling the hands of exhaustion clapped firmly and heavily on my shoulders, because I awoke this morning ready to conquer the world. I pulled on my favorite cuffed denims and a white cotton peasant blouse that shows my tattoo, some strappy sandals, chandelier earrings and jangly shell bracelets. Not traditional office attire, although today is undeniably an office day. Today requires an alternative mindset, a certain comfortable individuality. I poured an extra large cup of home-brewed iced green tea with ginseng, opened my car windows, turned up Mike Auldridge and drove, felt the wind on my shoulders, the joy passing over and through me on my way to my obligatory work day. For today I resolve this: nothing will sink my spirit, not the inevitably contentious phone call with my mother, not the brimming to do list, or the flourescent lighting, or even the raindrops that have begun outside my office window. This kind of resilience, or maybe it’s even dominance, shows Me who I am, gives Me hope for what is possible, and moreso what is likely.

Right now I’m doing this with audacity and unmitigated joy. My arms, my heart, everything about me is wide open, to the extent that it sometimes skews perspective and intrudes on daily living. So where are the words? The music? If I were only living my writer’s life in the midst of this, I would be complete. Throughout my life creative practice has been the door to my heart, but it seems that thinking, dreaming, is a substitute for writing these days. I have the fodder, and the wish, but not the inclination or the focus. I am desperately hoping to wrestle back that focus. I have to. My life depends on it.

but I just don’t know how to do it. There are people I know, am in awe of, actually, who live their lives this way on a daily basis, arms wide open, minds and hearts open, too. These are the people who are fascinated and excited by the turns life takes at any given moment, who actively seek to know their world, interact with it instead of just being in it. In order to be that engaged, that amazed and grateful, it seems that one must also be open to the pain and suffering of the world, be willing to embrace it with those arms, that heart, that mind, and perhaps be hurt by it in the process of truly knowing it. One must be fearless, and persistent. Being a little bit broken helps, I think, but aren’t we each broken in some way, in need of some repair? In this process of knowing the world and loving it are moments of greatness, sublime glimmers of joy that make this approach to living worthwhile, imperative, in fact. I see glimmers of this promised land, this hopefulness, within myself, but those are rare moments that are far too fleeting. I hope to get there someday, to be able to open my arms, my heart, to life, without fear or trepidation. Wish me luck!