Be enough

WARNING: This is not a pretty entry. In fact, I am somewhat embarrassed by it. But it is all that sitting down this morning has produced. Call it release. If you don’t abide self-pity, then please, stop reading and go somewhere else.

Today is one of those days when I lay my head on the desk and wonder what the hell I am doing. My life is not balanced or efficient. My words are not elegant, or apropos. My mindset is not one of adventure or conquest, but also not one of contentment. I am failing in some small ways in every area of my life right now. The horizon in my head, at times so brilliant even in its distance, is blunted and gray, enrobed in a fog that no heat can burn off, no sun can permeate. I am jealous, and frustrated at my inabilities, my shortcomings. And angry. I am more likely to sit and fill myself, with pity or with food, than create or release. My legs ache. My heart aches. Although I know that it is temporary, today I am, most definitely, not enough.

to reflect the next step in this process. I’m doing well at reaching deep within myself, my potential. But now I need to take the masterpiece I have created, am constantly creating, and see it, me, on my own terms, not in the mirror of or in relation to another or others. I must internalize that I am enough, unadulterated, outside of context, and of my own accord. I need to be enough for me.

It’s been a good month for this goal. I really tuned in this month in terms of my self-perception, my capabilities, and my recognition of the sensualities that surround me. I’ve unleashed a bit, and I have to say, I like my new and improved, more sensual self. I have created opportunities of late to utilize my assets, and I’ve been empowered, let’s say, to further explore the limits of my sexitude (to coin… ;D). It’s a delicious feeling, one I can build on. I could get used to this. I will, in fact.