be enough

Today I named the fear that is at the center of so many of my issues, the way I have lived my life all these years, and the battle I am fighting. I know what it is, where it comes from, but not how to vanquish it.

My fear is that I am both not enough and too much. My fear is that if I were to put the full weight of my self, my need, on any of the relationships in my life, they would collapse. This dynamic has been borne out in my relationship with my parents, my siblings, my husband, and others. I have lived it, and the life experience that bolsters this has not been replaced, or refuted, by anything I can trust with certainty.

One of the problems with being ever strong and self-sufficient is that a precedent gets set. Relationships that are supposed to be steadfast and reciprocal seem to crumble at the introduction of need or weakness on the part of the rock, the provider. My default setting, imperviousness, has stuck for decades, and the fear has lived at its heart. Even though I couldn’t name it, own it, or because of that, I acted on it in every interaction, every relationship, earning my love, never testing too much or too often the tenacity of each earned bond.

Now that I have gained honesty and bravery enough to move beyond it, my world is crumbling. What happens when the need becomes great, when the provider becomes the needy? Knowing what I know, I have no choice but to walk forward with bravery, but also with fear borne of experience, fear that has long been deeply buried, swallowed down, and until now unidentified.

I am certain I have created the issue I must now address, the monster I need now battle. But how to battle it is the question.

WARNING: This is not a pretty entry. In fact, I am somewhat embarrassed by it. But it is all that sitting down this morning has produced. Call it release. If you don’t abide self-pity, then please, stop reading and go somewhere else.

Today is one of those days when I lay my head on the desk and wonder what the hell I am doing. My life is not balanced or efficient. My words are not elegant, or apropos. My mindset is not one of adventure or conquest, but also not one of contentment. I am failing in some small ways in every area of my life right now. The horizon in my head, at times so brilliant even in its distance, is blunted and gray, enrobed in a fog that no heat can burn off, no sun can permeate. I am jealous, and frustrated at my inabilities, my shortcomings. And angry. I am more likely to sit and fill myself, with pity or with food, than create or release. My legs ache. My heart aches. Although I know that it is temporary, today I am, most definitely, not enough.

to reflect the next step in this process. I’m doing well at reaching deep within myself, my potential. But now I need to take the masterpiece I have created, am constantly creating, and see it, me, on my own terms, not in the mirror of or in relation to another or others. I must internalize that I am enough, unadulterated, outside of context, and of my own accord. I need to be enough for me.

It’s been a good month for this goal. I really tuned in this month in terms of my self-perception, my capabilities, and my recognition of the sensualities that surround me. I’ve unleashed a bit, and I have to say, I like my new and improved, more sensual self. I have created opportunities of late to utilize my assets, and I’ve been empowered, let’s say, to further explore the limits of my sexitude (to coin… ;D). It’s a delicious feeling, one I can build on. I could get used to this. I will, in fact.