be a good mom

Hey everyone thank you sooo much for all the support. Its been a while since I last posted because i was so down i just couldn’t. But i want you all to know i read all your posts and messages and they helped me cope. They really did. I have good news about my baby. Miracles really do happen. It seems that he may have been misdiagnosed. We are wating for some test results and hopefully they come out positive. The new daignosis would mean that he will not be leaving us for sometime yet. We still have a long battle ahead of us but the new battle is far far better than being told that he’ll be gone in a couple of years. Thank you so much for your prayers. Hoepfully i’ll get to post more often again. And by the way I am doing better. I still have a lot of down days but its starting to look up.

i feel so alone in all this. i spend the whole day with Sam and almost no one else. i do have other people with me in the house but i find myself isolating myself more and more. i deliberately push people away and sometimes i don’t understand why. bless sam’s heart he’s such a good baby. he rarely makes any fuss (at least compared to other babies) and seems to still love me even when i’m no fun to be with at all. poor baby, stuck with a mom who doesn’t smile much and doesn’t talk to him and play with him as often as a baby would like to be played with. i feel so stupid. i know i am sinking into depression and it sucks because i want to take care of my baby but it gets harder and harder each day as i feel this deep blackness starting to strangle me again. i need help. HELP! if not for me for my son at least. he needs a good mom. he deserves a good mom and i feel like i’m failing him. miserably…

Sam is a high maintenance baby. He should not be left alone even fo r a few minutes because he might pull out his nasal feeding tube. He really does love to pull on it! Its weird but i find it cute. He also loves to talk, talk and talk when he’s awake. I feel so guilty because I do neglect him since he is sooo well behaved. I run around doing the laundry or fixing the room or even just simply texting or watching the TV! My bad! I’m so sorry Sam. My batteries are low and am starting to spiral down down down. I love Sam so much and I like to give him hugs and kisses but I think I’m not a fun mom at all.

I know I’ve got to get more organized and get my energy level up so I can cope. Oh hopeless me… however will I do that?

Stay at home and take care of Sam.
Make Sam’s life as happy as possible.
Focus on the joys not the sorrow.
Pray, pray and pray that he doesn’t suffer much.
Pray, pray and pray for a miracle ( if only he’ll survive to sit in a wheelchair ).
Prepare for our goodbye.
When we do say goodbye remember that someday I’ll see him again and get to kiss and hug him.

Still hardest thing to do is to let go…

our 4 month old baby has infantile spinal muscular atrophy. The doctor says he has around 18 months to live. But i don’t want to lose hope. She says that some have managed to live till 16years with the help of a ventilator. Got to find one immediately. I need to think, to act and be busy. Its so unreal. Its just so unreal. Please pray for us. Please pray for Sam.

He has recurring pneumonia and has feeding problems. Symptoms are to long to list down and I’m feeling really down today. Got turned down for a job for the frst time in my life and I’m just really. Need to get back to the hospital but i needed to log on and write some in here to feel a little better. Not working very well but at least I’m thinking. People tell me maybe its because I should be with my baby. I guess they’re right. And in some way I am happy and a little relieved I wasn’t accepted so I can be with Sam. But right now I just feel down. Being rejected hurts (my pride) and makes me feel less confident. I feel like a housewife ONLY. Aw shoot. I want to cry but I can’t. I wan’t my baby to get well but he’s still sick. I don’t want them to give him electric shocks or to or prick him and all that stuff. I hate him suffering. I hate that I can’t help but think of the finances. I hate that I’m scared to be “stuck with my baby” when I know I want to be with him. I hate being contrary. I just hate this feeling. I feel down…

If I were catholic the sin i would be most guilty of is SLOTH. I am lazy lazy lazy… I loooove to sleep and lounge around doing nothing productive. So I’ve got to kick my bad habits. I want to be a good mom. I’ve got to wake up when I don’t want to. Clean up when its the last thing I’d rather do. Plan OUR day, plan OUR week, plan OUR life.

I have obviously been very busy since Sam arrived. Samuel Mark arrived last June 30 and he’s been taking up most of my time. I have found out that I really am far from being the best mom out there but as I spend more time with Sam I also find that I’m falling more and more in love with the little creature called my son.

My baby is due anytime soon. I’m sooo excited to hold him in my arms. Scared of the labor and finances and everything but I’m sure that seeing my baby and hearing his first cry will all be more than worth it.

As a rule I don’t like throwing parties for myself or making big a big fuss over “big events”. I wasn’t going to celebrate my debut (except that my mom gave me a surprise party that turned out to be fun), I didn’t want to march during my college graduation (but I did just to make my relatives happy) and I had a civil wedding (to be practical since I didnt want to get in debt because of grand wedding). Now my sister wants to throw a baby shower so I said fine since she’s the one who’s going to throw it anyway, not me. But then i just found out that she wants me and my mom to arrange the details for the party and all she’s going to do is contact the guests… Bleh! Almost everything in me rebels but then again this party is for my son, not me. So I guess I’ll go ahead with this baby shower or should I?