be healthy

Dear God,

Today has been one of the most difficult that I have had in a very long time. For that I am thankful. Thankful that I don’t have these days often and thankful that when that semi-truck came at me, you steered it away.

I can never express how wonderful it is to have had my friends, my loves, with me today. To help me through this day. A most dreadful day. You sent these angels to me to carry me through today, through the sonogram and pain, and for that I am thankful. My care-bear and Gorillaman, for being on either side of me, carrying my weight today, as I was not strong enough to stand alone. You will never know what that meant to me. Thank you for my angels today, God. For today could have ended so much worse than it did.

I’ve been working on getting treatment for the mass in my breast. I have a sonogram again on Monday and a Biopsy again on the 5th. I found out yesterday that as of Tuesday, I will no longer have health insurance. My company has switched providers effective Tuesday and the new company won’t carry me because of pre-existing conditions with cancer. My boss is trying to figure out a plan for me to have individually but until then, I’m SOL. So, I don’t know if my biopsy will be covered under the current plan or if I will have a new plan by then. I am being told that since the group plan is being canceled on Tuesday, I won’t be covered anymore under that plan, even though I won’t have new coverage like everyone else. I feel like I’m getting screwed. The main reason I haven’t moved back to be near my “family” is because of this job that I love so much and the great pay it provides. But I NEED medical insurance. I need coverage at a decent rate that will cover my expenses of this tumor. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. I’ve considered contacting an attorney to find out what Kansas law provides for protecting me. Does anyone around here know anything or have any suggestions? Thanks in advance. I really need some insight. xoxo Jerebel.

So I went shopping this weekend with my girlfriend, and I discovered, I really was wearing too big of jeans. I had to go down a size smaller, reluctantly at first, but I feel great in my new jeans. thanks girl, I got one more down. That makes a total of 5 sizes and 50 lbs! WHOOO HOOO!

I’ve lost 10 lbs in the past 2 months. the cause, see other goals. :-) more sex!!!

I have, in the past month or so, really enjoyed life. In doing so, I have somewhat neglected my health. More so in the past couple of weeks than anything. I have stopped taking my vitamins, stopped eating correctly and drinking entirely too much alcohol. I have really begun to feel the effects of this. I know it is on me to take care of myself. There is no excuse, I just haven’t been. I have fallen back a bit, and I need to kick myself in the ass. I am feeling the effects of vitamin depletion, alcohol and exhaustion. Each weekend, I swear I’ll stay at home and rest, but each weekend, I can’t help but go out of town. I have to take a weekend off. I have to rest and get my body back in line. Fighting, whatever it is that is making me sick, takes it’s toll on my imune system. My doctor has told me that my white cell count is really low and I need to load up on vitamins, fresh veggies and a lot of rest. But how can I when I have so much waiting for me, but an hour’s drive away? URGH, I need to do it. I need to just take the weekend off and rest. This sucks.

I have been working on this one. I have been trying to build my immune system and get healthy so I can be prepared for whatever comes up. I have been taking my vitamins every morning and have been cutting back on my sugar intake. I had Dr. Pepper yesterday, but I’ve cut waaaaayyy back. Coffee seems to be my only real obstacle yet. I have been having salads for dinner and lunch whenever possible, which is pretty often. I gotta say i love Hen House market. They have the best salad bar I’ve seen. I love salad so it doesn’t really get old for me, and I can mix it up with all the different things I can put on them. I’m doing great.

God, I just read my first entry on “be healthy.” Seems kind of ironic now, looking back, that I was worried about this 20 weeks ago and no one would do anything about it. The doctors I mean. Now, as it progresses and becomes worse, I am stuck in a similar position.

So 2 of my goals have to do with getting a physical and having my mamogram to stay cancer free. So I got the appointments for Tuesday. I took the day off work and set up the appointments to be done in one day. As part of preparing for my physical, I am making a list of the things going on in my body that concern me, so I can ask the doc. I realized, I am not in too good of shape. Metaphorically. As time goes on, I am becoming more worried about the pain in my breast. I am pretty sure it’s from the scar tissue of having cancer a couple of years back. I am just paranoid and remembering how hard it was to handle cancer when my life was going great. Now that my life is upside down and I have virtually no support network, what is going to happen if it came back? I just heard of a co-worker’s mom who “got it all” 8 years ago and now she’s all but dead because they missed some that was too small to see. And while I don’t want to be the person who makes it all about them, I feel this is my place in the world where it can be all about me. I’m just worried. and stressed, and exhausted. I’m not looking really for any encouragement by writing this, just using this as my journal for today I guess.