not be afraid to love the people I love.

I have met a man, whom I adore. I wasn’t trying to meet anyone. I just wanted to go to school and be on my own, being tired of games and drama. I start classes, and on my second day, there sits a man that catches my eye. I don’t say anything, of course, but go back to my place of solitude alone. I look up, and in walks this man. I’m completely absorbed in what I’m doing, but my attention was caught by him once again. It takes a few weeks, but we start talking and hanging out casually. He calls me up and asks me to a movie. I can’t go because I have to work so we reschedule for lunch that Monday. We’ve been having lunch together ever since. He spoils me rotten. Which is a direct change from any relationship I’ve ever been in. I’m enjoying it. :-) He spoils me with more than gifts. He spoils me with picnics and lazy mornings cuddling in bed. He spoils me by calling me twice a day from Italy even though it costs $1.25/minute. He spoils me with his love. The part of all this that should freak me out, but doesn’t, is that I’m not afraid to love him. Or let him love me. There has been a connection between us since the first day. I can’t explain it, but I think he may be it for me. And I can’t explain how I know, but I know it’s not just because of the relationships I’ve had in the past. There’s more here than filling a hole that never was filled. There’s respect, decency, and dare I say it, love.

Yesterday, I had some intense therapy provided by a few of my dearest friends. While I still have reserves about a couple of issues, one was made very open and clear.

I’m going to try very hard to open up to that one, very special person. I’m scared to death of….rejection….getting hurt….and missing out on something truly wonderful because of the first 2. I don’t put him on a pedastool, but I believe he truly is a wonderful man. I see so much good in him and so much potential for where he is going and what he is trying to be. I just wish he could see his own potential.

I hope he will meet me in the middle and we can overcome this useless void between us. I cherish him dearly and I hope he will allow me into his brain and heart. xoxo to Gorillaman! :-)

I have decided to back away just slightly. Even if not physically speaking, but not allow my heart to be ever so involved with the ones I love. I have really lost perspective of my life the past few months. I have realized that although I love these people, I am bound to fail and I’m not willing to let my heart go through with falling in love and putting myself in a position to where I cannot be loved in return. So, I will continue with my life, as I have been, but not allow my heart to be given.

I think I’m as close to accomplishing this goal as I’ll ever get. The fear in this was realized this weekend when it all almost fell apart. Friendships and all. I hope to God that never happens again. Just when I was feeling a little more secure in it, I felt what it was like to feel it pull away from me.

I made a pretty big move on this one this weekend. As I sit, I am here, where I want to be, with the people I want to be with. I have confessed that I love them. As hard as that is to admit, because that means I’ve put my heart out there to be stomped on again, I am happy that I did it. I do love them. Very much. And I hope that we can keep the communication open and really be open together. I hope that we can work out the issues presented and really focus on loving each other. I hope that one day, soon, I can love these people and not be afraid of the pain and heartache that I feel is sure to happen.

How do I stop being afraid after I took this step and actually said to them what they already knew? How do I put myself out there like this and not be afraid of getting destroyed again? Is that even possible? I know that these people love me, and that they would do nothing to intentionally hurt me. But I am not naive enough to think that this will last forever. As much as I want it to.

So, I guess this is still a work in progress.

I don’t know what to write about this entry. It’s pretty self-explainatory.