write random thoughts

I try to live my life by doing the things that I want to do and not what others want me to do. I have a big conflict regarding this with a dear person in my life. It seems as though anytime I do what I want to do, it creates a problem/arguement with what they want me to do. But I have a rebel string in me that anytime someone tells me I should do something, it makes me push that much harder in the other direction. Even if my mind was already made up to do what I wanted. It makes me push to do that even more. I’m stubborn that way, but that’s just who I am. Even if I know it’s good for me to do something. If I don’t WANT to do it, I’ll push the other way just that much harder. The thing is, letting go of that instinct means me growing up…I guess. But I don’t want to let go of that. I want to do what I want and what I think is best, regardless of who tells me otherwise. I’ve always been that way and I think I probably always will.

I want so much for my life that it is difficult to be patient. I’m not overly eager to get married again, but I see people who are truly in love and I miss that. I want to have someone to share my life with. Intimately. I know I have my kids, and they are wonderful. And I know that some think that no matter what, you are always alone. And I can see that too. But I miss having a partner. I miss having someone t take care of me once in a while. I miss having help with the kids and the house. I miss having someone to open my door or carry the groceries.