be a better mother

Both boys have been home since Oct. 16th. My youngest has been diagnosed correctly now with the following: Asperger’s Syndrome (a form of autism), bipolar mixed-severe, Agoraphobia, severe phobias and they are thinking he may be schizophrenic but it’s too early to tell as he won’t talk about the voices and the things he sees. He will sit in a room and scream at these voices, and will tell us that they said they would kill him if he tells, but he won’t say anymore. He’s 6 years old, so he’s too young to really diagnose with any schizo-effective disorders.

However, they both seem to have an effective combo of medications and are back home and in school. Sort of. They don’t go to regular school. But they are in a school program of sorts. For the first time, my 6 year old can count to 12 and almost sing his A,B,Cs. He’s very bright though in math, he can multiply up to his 7’s. Go figure. lol

So both are home and we are holding tight. Thanks for your prayers.

So 2 months later, I’m still fighting to help my 5 yr old. He has been in the hospital for 7 1/2 weeks now. :-( We have to tranfer him to another hospital tomorrow morning to have and MRI done, then take him back to the home hospital. Which, by the way is an hour and 15 min from my home. I’ve been living in 2 places, but mostly on the highway for the past 2 months…and I’m exhausted. Please continue prayers for my baby boy, Conner. I want so dearly for him to get healthy and come home.

I’ve been working so hard on this. If you read my entries, you know that I have 2 sons who are disabled.

Lucus is age 10. He has the following as of his last assessment 5/2009: ADHD, Bipolar, Expressive Language Disorder, Anxiety, Tourette Syndrome, Oppositional Defiance, Aspergers Syndrome.

Conner is age 5. He has the following as of HIS last assessment 5/2009: Anxiety, Agoraphobia, Bipolar….
(I don’t agree with this assessment by the way.)

Thursday, May 14, Luke had a HUGE melt-down at school. He shoved 2 desks into a 3rd desk that a kid was sitting at and hurt the kid. He threw a chair across the room and tried to leave school grounds. His teacher was able to keep him on the property by threatening to have him arrested. Had he tried to leave again, she would have had to have him arrested. Instead, she called me before it got that far.
I got to the school and so did his community support worker. After 3 hours of trying to calm him down and assess, we decided he needed to be hospitalized.

Friday, May 15, Conner had an initial psychiatry appt. After 2 yrs of trying behavior modification techniques and moving him from daycare to a day treatment facility, I was having to have him put on meds for his illnesses. At the appointment, he had to be restrained as he was trying to hurt people in the waiting room…His community support worker restrained him and when the doc came out to call us back, he broke free and broke his support worker’s nose. The doc restrained him and said he needed to be hospitalized. So…3 hours later, we finished the crisis intake and found him a bed at a hospital.

Both of my sons were hospitalized for around a week.
During their hospitalization, Conner’s teacher called me and said that that Thursday, he told her that my younger brother (age 15) had molested him and Luke.

I’ve been fighting diligently for so long it seems, to protect these kids and get them the medical help they need.

I’ve fought teachers who have called child services on me for “improper supervision.” I aparently didn’t supervise them well enough because they were being molested. They have called 2x in the past month. Although my brother hasn’t been here for 3 months…And my children are never alone…except if there is another responsible person there to look after them. I didn’t realize my 15 yr old brother wasn’t responsible.

I’ve fought doctors who refuse to adjust Luke’s meds, who won’t call me and tell me what is wrong with Conner, who won’t talk to the boys about molestation allegations…

I’ve fought their dad, who firmly believes that the oldest is “crazy” and the youngest would be fine if he just lived with him.
His theory is that it is my parenting that is why Conner is the way he is.

I’ve fought my recently ex-fiance who is still involved in our lives, about his parenting styles and spanking my 5 yr old. (I don’t spank my kids unless abso-friggin-lutely necessary. Which is pretty much never. I just feel there are better ways to discipline and teach them.)

So, I’ve been fighting like crazy for my kids and to do what I believe is best for them. Even when I don’t like it. Seems like there should be more family support, instead of all the services fighting against me.

a strike in my #30 objective gives me a point in this one i guess.

Its been probably the most difficult year I’ve ever had. I’ve nearly lost my grandmother, who raised me, I lost someone very close to me, I started back to school and have been trying to keep my head up, I had to pick up one day and go get my sister in Minnesota and bring her to my home. But of all of these, the most difficult has been with my children.

My oldest son was diagnosed with 6 illnesses. Since then, my youngest son has had to move to his fathers, and back home again. My oldest was in the hospital for trying to kill himself at age 9. The hospital got him stable on meds and things got better for a few months, but now, they are getting worse again. He is getting violent again. And I’m scared to think of him going back into the hospital.

I try my fullest every day. I give my all to my kids and try to teach him and love him and help him. But somedays, its too much. Some days, I have to stand back and just look at my beautiful son and think, will he ever live a productive life as an adult? I’m having a terrible time at being a good mom right now. My patience isn’t what it should be. I’m trying so hard but when he goes for 5 1/2 hours of a violent screaming fit, its hard to keep your cool.

We had practice again tonight. The coach wasn’t getting everyone together to start…1/2 the kids didn’t show up…so i decided to take charge. I got the kids together and we set up a make shift ball diamond and started playing. They each got to hit one good hit and run the bases. It was a lot of fun.

I tell you, I think I was just as excited as he was to get on that field. That little man hit 6 homeruns and about 10 grounders and pop flies. I am so proud of him. Baseball is so good for his self-esteem which is pretty much non-existent these days. I feel like he just got signed with the Yankees. :-)

Today, I take my son to the doctor to be medicated. I have always been very adament about not medicating children unless absolutely necessary and there are no other options. So here are my two thoughts this morning.
1. What constitutes “necessary?” I’ve waited for 3 years, working and hoping he would get better. I’ve worked with him at home, with his school, with encouragement and positive reinforcement. I’ve tried all conventional means that I know of. My son is currently failing every subject in school. Failing in every part of his home life. He has only one or two friends to speak of. My youngest son is currently living with his dad because the two boys can no longer live together without hurting each other. I feel as though I went beyond trying to keep him away from medicine. Now I feel as though, maybe I waited too long. Maybe my insecurities have neglected his well being and if he had been medicated before, maybe he would not be so bad off now. So I torment myself before about working until I can no longer breathe from exhaustion, now tormenting myself for not getting help sooner. Maybe it’s part of motherhood to torment yourself.
2. Every parent wants their child to be normal and healthy. I am struggling to let go of this. I am struggling to face that my son will never be “normal” without medication. Don’t get me wrong, I am not one to get caught up on the term “normal” but I use it now as a means to express what I cannot say otherwise. I am no longer facing raising two healthy and happy boys. I now face raising a son who is dependent upon medication, that he will likely loathe as he becomes a teen. I see his Tourette’s getting worse almost daily and it frightens me. I see his behaviors; anger, agression, frustration…getting worse by the day and I want to reach out and hold him. I want to touch his heart and heal it. But I know the best I can do is rely on what this doctor, who knows nothing of me and little of my son, can do for him.
My heart is breaking today for the loss my son will experience over the rest of his life. I feel as though he will never be able to carry a typical life, free of medication. I too, am dependent on medication to lead a “normal” life. I know, no matter how improved it makes things, it is never fully the same.

For the past 3 years, following my divorce, I have worked very hard to be a strong and passionate leader for my newly restructured family. I, as many of you know, am a single mom of two beautiful little boys. I have an 8 year old and a 3 year old, each wonderfully distinct and equipped with his own set of “quirks.” While I anticipated single motherhood as a difficult struggle, I was geared up and ready to face that lion head on.
As I sit here today, I am overcome with emotion, yet again. I received the diagnosis yesterday for my 8 year old son who has been struggling severely with life following “the revolution.” After extensive testing, the psychiatrist diagnosed him with the following:
-Tourette’s Syndrom
-Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity
-Anxitey Disorder
-Bipolar Disorder
In my heart I knew some of this was on its way but, I still cannot help but to feel a great sense of loss. I feel as though I have lost my little boy somewhere inside of that little body and my chances of having him returned to me have been ripped from my heart.
They say he needs medication immediately for the last three items and will have to undergo more tests, including an MRI, before he can receive a second medication for the first item. I was told by his therapist that I should immediately apply for SSI benefits for him as he and I will need it to take care of him. My question to that is this: Does that mean he will not be able to be a functioning adult someday? Does that mean that he will always need care and extra attention to ensure a successful life? Will he still be able to work? Get married? And have a healthy relationship? Have a family?
I am completely overwhelmed and stunned. I don’t know what to do for my baby boy and as a mother, that is a first. It’s always been an instinct for me to know what is best for them. Now, I can only weigh my options and guess which will have the fewest negative effects.
I don’t even know why I’m writing this here, as this is a deeply personal issue and I know very few of you. But my hope is that I’m not alone and someone can read this and understand. Surely I’m not the only parent who has felt this way.

With everything going on with my kids the past few months, I’ve discovered, through the help of a group of experienced and supportive people, my 8 year old son has ADHD and probably Tourettes Syndrom. With all of this, and his behavior, my 3 year old is learning his violence and starting beating the crap out of his teacher at daycare in addition to the two of them fighting nonstop. With all of this, I talked with my ex-husband and we decided for my 3 year old to live with him for a while. I’m not sure if this is being a good mom by doing what he needs for protection and keeping them separated…or if it was being a bad mom by shipping my kid off to his dad’s? I don’t want him to think that I don’t love him or didn’t want him around…ya know? I just can’t see him continuing to learn the bad habits of my 8 year old and continuing to fight his teacher and brother. The violence has stopped with him since he’s been gone but my heart breaks to hold him and love him everyday. Any advise?