be more patient

So I thought I should write a new entry.

Even though I have not written anything in a while, I feel like I am I am making good progress on this goal based on the approach I documented. As I’ve mentioned in my posts, I think this approach are not only key to being more patient, but they are key in eliminating stress in one’s life and ultimately in being happy.

I recently received an e-mail from a friend who included this in the e-mail. It was more in the form of a (PowerPoint) presentation so I couldn’t post it, but I found it elsewhere on the Internet. I have not checked if all items are exact to what I received in the e-mail but I think they are close enough.

Coincidentally enough, many of the items listed here have similarities to the approach I’ve documented in this goal. I’ll highlight those in blue which I think raise similar points.

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. it is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, “My purpose is to__ today. I am thankful for__.”
3. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
4. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
5. Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
6. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
7. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
8. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
9. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
10. You are not so important that you have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
12. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
13. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
14. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: “In five years, will this really matter?”
15. Forgive everyone for everything.
16. What other people think of you is none of your business.
17. GOD heals everything – but you have to ask Him.
18. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
19. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!
20. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
21. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements:
    “ I am thankful for_.” “Today I accomplished__.”
22. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

I liked the phrase in #16 and to search for this list on the Internet, I searched on that phrase. It led me to this list, but I also found an interesting article titled Who You Gonna Change? Why Should They Change? which is a related topic that the only one you should try to change is yourself.

But now (unlike before), I have something very specific with how I would like to retrain my brain. These concepts should help reduce my stress which in turn should help me become more patient. Although I’ve not really had a problem with being happy, I admit at times that I felt so frustrated, I did not feel happy. At any rate, applying these concepts also should help anyone feel happy.

Now to the specifics:

I am sure I will have to modify this entry to include additional information which I may have left out, but I wanted to go ahead and document as much as I could now. I feel by using these concepts, I’ll be able to greatly reduce stress in my life. By reducing stress, I’ll be able to be more patient. Almost by definition, “no expectations” means that I should not become impatient because impatience implies that I have some expectation.

These concepts are consistent with some other beliefs I’ve had:

• It is better to give than receive… Or also, in other words, give without expecting anything in return. If you give something but expect something back, then it is not really giving and you are having expectations. If someone gives something to you and wants something in return, then they have expectations on you. While I don’t dictate that others have to have the same beliefs, I also don’t believe that I should be obligated to do things based on other people’s expectations.
• You can’t directly affect others, only how you react to them. If someone causes you stress, usually it is because you have some expectation, like you expect them not to say negative things to you. If you have no expectations, you can observe the circumstance and then “throw it away” per the visual image mentioned above.
• Forget, not forgive. I have heard this expression in the past (wish I could remember where) and I remember the argument was that “forgiveness” implies judging who is right and wrong. However, holding the feeling that you’ve been wronged brings a lot of stress. Anyway, in the past, I’ve tried to apply this principle but I found it rather confusing. How can I forget something where someone has wronged me. With this new way of thinking, I should not be thinking about right or wrong, so it will be easier for me (in theory) to forget.
• Unconditional love. I’ve sometimes had problem with this because I wonder how can I feel that I am able to continue to love someone who seems to continually upset me. Utilizing these concepts, I should not be upset by the things they do, so it should be no problem to continue to love them. Of course, depending on the situation, after repetitive questionable actions by the other person, my inner self may tell me that something is wrong here and I should re-evaluate. But it would not be stress or overthinking which would cause me to come to such a conclusion.
• There is no right or wrong, only consequences. I’m a believer of this one. It does not matter who is right or wrong, what matters is what happens as a result. Therefore, the “no expectations” which includes the concept of “not to be judgmental”, there is no need to judge who is right or wrong.
• Do not be judgmental. People are different, their values are different. Why do I have the right to apply my values upon them. So these concepts are consistent with that thought.
• I heard someone repeat some advice he had received about marriage. It would apply to this concept as well as the point is not needing to react to or judge everything that happens.
  
  1. Don’t sweat the little things.
  2. Everything is a little thing.
• Live life without regrets. Usually regrets are based on things you did not do (or sometimes what you did do) because of some fear of doing it. Or it could have been because you were pressured not to do it by your parents, family, friends, peer pressure, or some other reason. If you live your life free of stress, without thinking too much, and do things because you feel it is the right thing to do (and because inside, you feel it is the right thing to do, not because other people were telling you it is the right thing to do), then you probably will not have any regrets in life.
• Anger and stress are primitive emotions which prevent one from thinking clearly and making good decisions. I have always been a believer that creative thinking is a more advanced way of thinking in our brain, and when our brain is bogged down with primitive emotions, we are not able to use our brains as well for creative thinking. I should also be able to make better decisions because my brain does not have to deal with as much stress.

• I used to believe the most important aspect of a relationship is appreciation. I felt with appreciation, then the relationship will succeed. The fallacy of this, though, was that I didn’t always feel appreciated, which then led to a lot of frustration. However, the lack of appreciation could have only been perceived on my part. Anyway, I definitely had expectations how it should be in a relationship and I imagine it was not possible for others to live up to this standard. Anyway, I need to change my way of thinking that appreciation is not the most important part of a relationship because I should no longer have expectations.
• Obligation is a big part of the Japanese culture, so I felt obligation was a big part of my life, too. The key is you should do things because it is the right thing to do, not because you feel obligated to.
• Think before you speak. I used to believe in this. The problem is that thinking before speaking is similar to holding your feelings inside which can be bad for you. However, if you don’t think before you speak, you may end up saying hurtful and regretful things. The point with this concept is that if your actions (and words) are not driven by stress and emotions, your inner self will know what to say and when to say it.

And that’s the key. If there are no expectations, how does one know what is the right thing to do? If you can eliminate stress from affecting your decisions, if you no longer make decisions based on what other people want or other people expect or what you think other people want or what you think would make you liked or popular… If you can eliminate thinking too much about all of these external factors, then your inner self will tell you what the right thing to do is.

And how does this relate to happiness? If we define happiness as enjoying life… Then being free from stress, making decisions because they are the right thing to do and not because we feel pressured to do so or expected to do so, not letting other people’s negative feelings, actions, words affect us, I hope accomplishing this makes it seem like we can enjoy life… and thus, be happy.

It’s sort of a vicious cycle as most everything else in life is. The more frequently we encounter circumstances where we become impatient, the more we train our brain to become impatient, making it easier to become impatient more quickly the next time. That is, we have built a super highway in our brain directly to the impatient hot spot. Of course, not all circumstances make us impatient. That’s because we have not built the super highway there yet… but if we become careless, it will soon be there.

So I really need to train my brain to start thinking differently. Not an easy thing to do, but as they say, the longest journey starts with the first step. Maybe I’d better get a new pair of shoes.

On the drive to Florida, I don’t remember getting too frustrated on the drive. On the way back though, I was starting to notice how many people drive slowly in the left lane [of the Interstate]. When driving through Florida, there was some heavy rain, so it makes sense to drive slower, but do they have to do it in the passing lane? I was sometimes amazed at how often there would be absolutely noone ahead of the car who is slowing down traffic in the left lane.

This continued on the way back to Dallas as well. It used to be that if a car was passed on the right side, the driver would realize that they shouldn’t be in the left lane and then they would move over. However, now it just seems that they are content driving in the left lane.

I don’t want to make any generalizations but it seems that a high percentage of these people were middle-aged guys driving their SUVs. Hey, waitaminute! I’m a middle-aged guy who drives an SUV. (Actually, it’s a small SUV, not a full-blown big one.) They are probably the same drivers who get mad when they get behind someone slowing them down in the left lane. At least I know I should get out of the way.