I occasionally put my hand against my hip when I’m waiting. It’s a stupid-ass pause.
♫ not ur kind of jin ♫ has written 16 entries about this goal
I may tap my fingers or foot repeatedly.
or a bowl of fruit etc. I have this OCD-like completionism when it comes to food. Maybe that’s why I don’t like shopping for more than I need for the day. If it’s food that requires cooking, it’s okay, I’ll leave it alone, but anything that I know I can just eat, well it’s hard for me leave it alone, it has to go.
I have terrible feeding habits in general. I can’t plan eating, I just eat when I’m hungry. As I’ve mentioned here and there, I was anorexic around age 17-18. I feel this is quite a personal entry but I must write about it, because I just stumbled upon some “artsy” photographs of a very, very skinny schizoid man (had seen those at an all-around demented exhibition years ago), and I’m haunted by them, as they remind me of this strange era when I wasn’t too good to myself, even though I never went to such drastic lengths as that guy, obviously. Still, it was pretty bad. I lost 10 kilos. Very, very quickly, in maybe a couple of months. Here’s what I think happened : my girlfriend at the time was obsessed with that androgynous, anorexic-ish rockstar, and I kind of bought into the whole look myself. I was a normal boy eating normally, not asking myself questions about it, and for the first time I realised that if I wanted to change how I look and maybe be a little thinner, just for cool’s sake, well I just had to try eating less and see what happens. It worked and it quickly got out of control, before I knew it, I was obsessed. I had never really cared for my appearance, I became narcissistic. Naturally, I clashed with my family about it and a lot of those memories, I buried, as I’m quite ashamed of all that needless drama and worrying I put them through (and not proud of how sickly I looked, whatever photos I had from those days, I just deleted mercilessly). I’m not sure how it happened but with time I let go of the whole stupid obsession, though I may have picked up others (hair, body hair, anyone ?). And I feel I’m getting much better regarding those two as well. Exercising lately and experimenting with haircuts has done wonders to my acceptance of myself and given me a more matter-of-fact, lighter approach to my looks. But even though I’ve considered myself cured of the eating disorder thing for years now (I do just love eating, and I’m at a heathy weight), I guess it’s still hard for me to consider food coldy and rationally, the whole topic is quite absurd to me. If I think about it, I start wondering why I’m eating this and not that, not so much in terms of calories (which I don’t care about anymore) as in terms of healthiness, as there’s a health freak somewhere in me too, and in terms of ethics (I’ve been an on-and-off vegetarian for years), so I’ll often just not think about it and stick to eating what I want to eat right now. Then again, like most people I assume. But perhaps the fact that I have trouble looking at food and not leaving it alone/can’t stop eating when I want to means I’m still not as comfortable as I should be around food. I feel weird writing about this but I’m glad I did, gives me a better grasp of the reality of this little issue I have. The whole birthday thing has been tough on me but maybe it’s for the best. I realise it’s time to start being a happy young man. There’s just a lot of shit about myself that I’m sick of and would like to kick galaxies away.
It’s not that I don’t care for it, but somehow I’m always afraid it will somewhat influence and denature my own work. It’s pretty stupid. I have phases when I’m willing to absorb things by other people and others when I’m just plain hermetical. I see it as neurotic behaviour because I sometimes go out of my way not to read, hear or see something. And whenever I do consume someone else’s work (whether it’s by a friend or a famous artist), I always end up loving it and understanding my own work better and what makes me different. So it’s really really stupid and I should work on that.
- ate some meh food :(
- worked on my posture :)
- been nice to my hair :)
- went to bed somewhat too late the night before :(
For example, if someone is to give me an object like a bottle, I like them to hold an extremity, not grab the thing by the middle so I have to touch their hand in the process. If I ask for a fruit at the table, I like when people present the plate and I get to pick my own, not when they pick it for me and there’s hand contact. That’s a pretty messed up neurosis, isn’t it ?
This week I want to go against my compulsions, especially the whole hair thing : control freak week.
When it comes to living beings I’m the most non-violent person out there but I can’t say the same about objects. Not that I kick objects or throw them around or anything like that, it’s more specific : when something seems broken, sometimes I proceed to break it more although I perfectly know it’s useless. There was an ugly dark lining around my kitchen sink when I moved in my apartment, it looked much like a stain. I proceeded to scrape it off, until I realised it was probably some sort of glue that had been put there in order to prevent liquid from running in that thin spot, where it would be hard to clean off and might leave smells or something. But since I had gotten started and that dark lining really did look messy, I proceeded to scrape the whole thing off instead of giving it up. Or I had this board where you can pin important papers and stuff ; there was like a plastic hook glued on it and I wanted to glue it somewhere else so that I can hang my keys on it when I get home. So I tried to unglue it and it tore off a tiny part of the board, and instead of leaving it alone I proceeded to break the whole thing down. Not in a violent no-self-control way by the way, more like a slow quasi-hypnosis. I should stop this. I’m not 5 years old anymore.
A pretty weird thing to do I reckon :/ ! I think what goes through my mind is : if I do that, they’ll look away, while if I look too cool for school, they’ll think “who the hell does that guy think he is ?” and keep looking.
Instead I should try to impress them by looking even more too-cool-for-school, then perhaps they’ll be embarrassed and suddenly start scratching their back too. That would sure be fun.
I like having long hair better but when it reaches a certain length, I seem to get obsessed with it and I break ton of hair after ton of hair because I won’t leave it alone. I want to stop doing this. It’s been all right these last two years but for some reason ever since I moved into my new appartment I begun doing that again, more than ever. Perhaps because I’m more nervous. I certainly feel that way. Could very well be that I really don’t feed myself properly now that I’m on my own, must make the hair more fragile. I noticed wearing hats helps a lot (obviously), but it kind of kills the point of having long hair (plus it makes it look all weird when I take the hat off, resulting in me messing with it more). Tying it up works too but it’s not really long enough to do that properly. Okay, enough on that shallow topic. I’m only mentioning it because of all the broken hair trophies around the bathtub.
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