be more social

Getting invited for the second time to have dinner with a co-worker and his friends. They’re a mixed bag of nerds with a sense of humour I can relate to.

I still eat lunch alone though. I think I’ll always be pretty selective about who I hang out with.

I saw my friend’s girlfriend at the supermarket yesterday. I almost literally bumped into her, but she didn’t see me so I didn’t say hello, even though she’s really nice and reads Terry Pratchett and everything. Maybe because the last few times I saw her at my friend’s place, I felt kinda awkward. It seems like we don’t have anything to talk about, and it’s always a bit weird to talk to people’s girlfriends. A simple “hello” wouldn’t have hurt though, would it? But if I can avoid social contact, I just do.

I have also realized that I’m really bad at looking people in the eyes when I talk to them. I don’t think I used to be, or maybe I never noticed. People must think that I’m totally uninterested in the conversation. They probably get the impression that I want to be somewhere else, and they’d be right.

That usually only happens with people I’ve never met before though. I recently saw an old class mate at a store, and to my own surprise I said hi. She said hi and walked toward me… and didn’t stop. For a split second I was thinking “What the hell is she doing?” and realized almost too late that she was going for a hug. In the last second, I managed to reciprocate. After that, we had a nice little talk where I actually looked her in the eyes, came up with things I wanted to say and ask, and we said bye and I was happy that I’m not socially incompetent.

Still, I really need to work on looking people in the eyes. Anything else is just rude. I’m practicing on cashiers by looking them in the eyes when saying hi and thanks. I guess I’ll somehow work my way up from there.

I realized something yesterday. I need to learn the value of social interaction. I’ve already pointed out to myself that I don’t see the point, but I’ve never thought about why that is, or decided to do anything about it. I now think that the reason is that I’ve never really been alone (I still live with my parents ferchrissakes!).

By finding myself alone in an empty apartment, I would (hopefully) eventually actually want to meet people and talk to someone. As it is, I want everyone to leave me the heck alone.

So my sub-goal for “be more social” is now to actually try being alone, so that I can learn to appreciate the overarching goal of being with people.

The school I work at is throwing a halloween party. As usual, I can’t see the point of going to a party. I’d have to pay bus fare to get there, I’d have to sit in a bus for 90 minutes in total, I’d have to think of a costume, and I’d have to actually wear said costume. And all this just for some social interaction.

Let’s say that I did go. I might have some amusing conversations with some of the guys, and my boss might be there and talk to me about something. Pointless; that usually happens on a normal workday. The make-up girls will be there, and maybe a couple of them would talk to me. Maybe. Because I sure as hell don’t engage anyone in conversation, be they guys, girls or boss.

So I’ll be the boring guy standing in a corner, getting more and more nauseous by the sheer amount of people and the level of noise.

I know it’s unfair not to give this party even a fighting chance, but I’ve been at parties before. Even if I do try to get in the mood and try to have fun, chances are I’ll just go home feeling empty and depressed.

Well, I found an opening and went for it. The other day, my students were asked to volunteer as test subjects for the make-up students. Since I was there when they were asked and there seemed to be room for more test subjects, I volunteered as well. The result was a nice afternoon off where my programming guys mingled with the make-up girls. It turned out to be a nice experience, and of course social interaction was totally unavoidable.

Also, I’ve struck up several conversations with the lady who’s opened a cafeteria at my job. Speaking of the cafeteria, a girl actually engaged me in conversation there today. Strangely, I didn’t even flinch, much less freak out or anything. Actually, I don’t think I’m bad at social interaction. It’s just that I tend to avoid it. It’s good that I have a job though, it continuously forces me into social situations.

I bumped into the same girl at work again, in the same kitchen. I was doing the dishes, and the cabinet doors in front of me were slightly ajar. It may have looked as if I could have hurt my head on them, because she reached past me to close them for me. It was a very considerate gesture, and I thanked her and we exchanged a few words. I still avoided eye contact, totally concentrating on my dishes.

I was at a clothing store the other day to pick up a pair of pants, and while the store clerk went to get them, another clerk asked if we (my father, my cousin, her daughter and I) needed any help. I said we were getting helped, and she replied “Oh, you’re the guy with the pants.” I said something along the lines of “News travels fast.” I can’t remember the conversation exactly, but she surprised me by admitting that she remembered me from when I sang in church at graduation 7-8 years ago. While she said this, she blushed.

Both of these girls are attractive. In both cases, a normal guy would be thrilled and flattered and jump at the opportunity. I just want to run away and hide.

I really need to work on this. The other day at work, a girl was struggling to open a dishwasher in the students’ kitchen. I gave a suggestion, she tried it, it worked, and I was almost out the door before she could even thank me. More recently, she said hello to me when we passed each other by the entrance, and I barely made eye contact and answered rather hurriedly.

Both of those times, it never even entered my mind that I could have stopped and talked. It’s not that I’m shy (which I am), it’s that I’m not even aware of opportunities for social interaction.

So now I’ve promised myself that I’ll be looking for openings, and I’m going to take them. Next time you see me, hopefully I’ll be talking to someone instead of sitting alone eating my lunch at an empty table, again.