After years of living in a love-free marriage i am coming to realize that i may never know the pleasure again. some days it doesn’t bother me and some days, like today, it tears at my soul.
the current edition of time magazine has a couple articles about marriage – and its first derivative love. it gives several reasons why people marry and love is not the biggest reason. funny.
when i ways young all that i wanted out of marriage was intimacy – and i don’t just mean sex. i mean to be fully intimate with heart and soul. to share myself completely with someone who’d accept and love the ‘me’ that i am. well, that didn’t happen.
my partner was/is highly judgmental and never accepted me for who i am and for 30 years my married life has been a big long lie. there is no closeness, there is no intimacy there are no shared dreams.
some days i wake up look over to the other side of the bed and just wish i were dead. life is so bleak, empty and pointless.
i remember love. i remember the feeling of caring for someone and being cared for. i remember aching to be near. now, all that i long for is the end of the pain.
i don’t hate my partner. it’s that there is no love. nothing. nothing. nothing.